Have you ever felt uncertain about who you are?
Have you ever tried to rewrite the story of your life
because your circumstances were so adverse,
you felt surreal?
In this video, I will share with you
the story behind one of my spiritual poems
called I AM YOUR PRINCESS
it's a story about my identity crisis that I experienced this year.
All my spiritual poems came from my personal
conversations with God.
Hi!
My name is Anna Szabo, and this channel is for
all women who want to grow
in their relationship with Jesus.
Here, we have authentic conversations about God, Gospel, and the matters of life.
A new video comes out every single day!
So, make sure to subscribe now and turn on the notifications bell
to receive content alerts.
Today is #PoemsFromGod Friday which is a series
of stories about my conversations with God where I share how He blessed me
with the rivers of living water - the spiritual poems on the topics of love,
faith, marriage, forgiveness, and prayer.
I remember the morning of 3/6 this year.
It was 4 am.
One day before our divorce mediation...
The life circumstances which led to that day -
all determined the topic of this first poem I ever wrote.
Michel proposed to me last year on 1/31/2016
and he was an amazing Christian man whom I said YES to
with confidence.
Not only because I loved him with all my heart but also because I saw a Christian man who
was capable of leading a Christ-centered marriage.
On 5/14 last year we were married.
After the wedding night, Michel abandoned the marriage
focusing on his dream of becoming an athlete.
4 months later he filed for a divorce.
Michel called his bicycle MY OTHER WIFE I CHEAT ON YOU WITH
declaring that all he wants out of life
is to be an IronMan and compete in Kona.
Michel and I went through a 4-day long divorce jury trial this year,
but before the trial, our mediation took place in March.
Married to Michel, abandoned, and traded in for a bicycle,
I was confused and devastated.
I was depressed and suicidal.
In the beginning of this video, I introduced myself to you as Anna Szabo.
This name and how I got it was what confused me so much
that I became suicidal from hopelessness...
Before Michel and I said I DO on 5/14 last year,
I was an award-winning author Anna Stevens and I loved my life.
I loved who I was.
I loved my walk with Jesus.
I loved my journey.
And then..
Michel persuaded me to marry him and he insisted that I honor him by taking
his last name, which I did.
After we got married and my name changed to SZABO,
Michel started discarding, devaluing,
and dehumanizing me, which are all very popular Narcissistic Abuse
techniques that I reviewed extensively on my podcast called
The Anna Szabo Show.
You can find it on Spotify, iTunes,
iHeart Radio, and other platforms as well.
Michel practiced silent abuse on me regularly and ignored me for extended periods of time.
Then, he would decide to talk to me about his needs
and he would address me not by my name but instead address me as
EXUSE ME!
He rejected me in every way possible, he practiced mental cruelty on me regularly,
and so I was depressed and suicidal.
I hated being Anna Szabo and I hated the life associated with that name.
I saw myself as Michel's wife Yet Michel called his bicycle
MY OTHER WIFE I CHEAT ON YOU WITH
He dishonored me on a daily basis And I couldn't believe my reality.
Being Anna Szabo felt devastating and surreal
Almost daily, I'd drive back to my apartment where I lived for years
before Michel and I got married.
I'd park in front of the building, look up at my balcony on the 5th floor with
a beautiful city view.
And I'd weep.
I would weep about what happened to me.
The deception I experienced and the narcissistic abuse I was enduring.
The man who was not at all capable of leading a Christian marriage.
The betrayal I experienced and his cheating.
The confusion I lived in and being pulled by the Narcissist
into multiple realities
I would weep and weep.
I wanted to pinch myself, wake up from the nightmare
of the marriage with Michel, be in my beautiful apartment
which was my safe haven.
I hated the country house he moved me into which was unfinished construction
It was unsafe and scary.
I wanted to be Anna Stevens and I wanted to forget the Szabo name forever.
I wanted the Szabo era to not only go away but I wanted to wake up to a reality
where Szabo was not even an era of my life ...
ever!
And I wept.
Daily.
I prayed to God in my confusion, depression, and devastation.
And He gave me a great idea: Instead of focusing
on what Michel says about me, How about focusing on
what God says about me.
WHO DOES GOD SAY I AM was my question...
I was struggling with resentment from Anna Stevens - the high achiever - toward Anna
Szabo who was committed to Michel and being his wife no matter his nonsense but she was
depressed.
I actually shared here a letter of acceptance from Anna Stevens
to Anna Szabo, I will link to it in the video description
below.
At the time, I also experienced guilt for not being sweet
enough to Michel and for letting him know
that he hurt my feelings.
I also suffered from paralyzing depression
so performing daily chores was tough for me and I felt
like a failure.
And that's how this poem was born...
It's called I AM YOUR PRINCESS
My heart is broken, My soul is aching,
But I have hope, Because you are still reigning.
Your mercy gifts forgiveness.
Your grace gifts blessings.
We don't deserve your goodness: Our lives are always messy.
But you don't rate performance - Our heart is one that matters.
So when we fail all over, You raise us from the deadness.
Your strength is sufficient.
Your love is enough.
I am your daughter - A perfect princess in the fallen world.
I actually published this poem on Amazon for you and I'll link to it below this video.
Poems From God made up my entire prayer hallway, my war room,
where I have these poems printed and framed and they encourage me daily.
I'll share the link here with you.
And here's my question to you.
Have you ever struggled from an identity crisis or self-rejection?
Share with me in the comments below.
If you enjoyed this video, please subscribe to my channel
for more content like this.
Thanks for watching and I'll see you in my next video
tomorrow.
Oh BTW, to remind YOU that YOU are a Princess,
I created this canvas
It's also available on Amazon, the link in the description.
Have a wonderful day!
God bless!
Không có nhận xét nào:
Đăng nhận xét