ANNOUNCER: THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM IS PAID FOR BY
THE FRIENDS AND PARTNERS OF JOYCE MEYER MINISTRIES.
JOYCE: I CAN'T GIVE SOMEBODY ELSE THE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR MY JOY.
AND WE NEED TO ALWAYS MAKE SURE THAT WE KNOW WHO WE ARE ENOUGH
THAT WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE CO-DEPENDENT ON SOMEBODY ELSE,
AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT WE NEED TO DO.
GINGER: AS WE WALK THROUGH EACH NEW DAY,
WE ALL HAVE QUESTIONS.
THEY'RE JUST PART OF LIFE.
BUT DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE ANSWERS FOR YOU?
GOD SAYS WHEN WE LOOK, WE'LL FIND HIM.
HE'S NOT TRYING TO HIDE ANYTHING.
SO, TOGETHER WE ARE DISCOVERING LIFE'S EVERYDAY ANSWERS.
GINGER: YES, THERE ARE A LOT OF MOVIES ABOUT FALLING IN LOVE,
ROMANTIC MOVIES, BUT NOT VERY MUCH ABOUT STAYING IN LOVE.
MARRIAGE IS DIFFICULT.
IT'S NOT ALL ROSES AND CONFETTI, BUT IT CAN BE WORTH IT.
SO TODAY, JOYCE HAS PRACTICAL TIPS FOR YOU AS SHE ANSWERS
THE QUESTION SO MANY OF YOU HAVE ASKED, "CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME
WITH MY MARRIAGE?" JOYCE: RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE
VERY CHALLENGING.
CAN ANYBODY SAY AMEN?
AND ESPECIALLY THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP CAN BE CHALLENGING
BECAUSE YOU'RE WITH THAT PERSON ALL THE TIME.
AND GOING TO LUNCH WITH A FRIEND IS QUITE DIFFERENT THAN BEING
MARRIED TO SOMEBODY FOR 50 YEARS.
AND DAVE AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 50 YEARS, AND I CAN SAY THAT
DURING THAT PERIOD OF TIME, GOD HAS CHANGED ME A LOT, AND IT'S
PROBABLY A GOOD THING BECAUSE IF I WOULDN'T HAVE LET HIM DO THAT,
I PROBABLY WOULDN'T STILL BE MARRIED TODAY.
I THINK ONE OF THE THINGS IN OUR LIVES THAT GIVES US A LOT OF
PROBLEMS IS JUST HAVING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING SOMEBODY TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING
THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO GIVE YOU, OR TO MAYBE UNDERSTAND SOMETHING
ABOUT YOU THAT THEY COULD NOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND, ESPECIALLY
IF YOU'RE EXPECTING SOMEBODY TO MAKE YOU HAPPY ALL THE TIME.
AND I DO THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE, WHEN THEY GET MARRIED, THEY GET
MARRIED WITH THE IDEA THAT, "NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME
HAPPY ALL THE TIME."
AND FIRST OF ALL, YOU KNOW, SOME OF THE THINGS THAT YOU FEEL WHEN
YOU'RE DATING SOMEBODY IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN THE WAY
YOU FEEL, YOU KNOW, AFTER YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR A WHILE.
AND SO, THERE'S A LOT OF EXCITEMENT, AND GOOSEBUMPS,
AND ALL THOSE THINGS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S ALMOST LIKE, YOU KNOW, THE CHASE IS DIFFERENT
THAN WHEN YOU ACTUALLY GET WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS A GREAT DAY FOR ME AND I'M SURE FOR DAVE WHEN
GOD SPOKE TO MY HEART AND INSTRUCTED ME THAT I WAS TO STOP
GIVING DAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF KEEPING ME HAPPY.
HE SAID, "YOUR JOY IS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY.
IT'S NOT SOMEBODY ELSE'S RESPONSIBILITY."
AND I DO THINK IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT WE REALLY THINK THIS OTHER
PERSON IS SUPPOSED TO KEEP US HAPPY ALL THE TIME, THEY'RE
SUPPOSED TO MAKE US FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES ALL THE TIME.
BUT TO BE HONEST, IF YOU DON'T ALREADY HAVE A SENSE OF
CONFIDENCE, IF YOU DON'T ALREADY FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, THEN
THERE'S NO HUMAN BEING IN YOUR LIFE THAT IS EVER GOING TO BE
SUCCESSFUL AT MAKING YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF
ALL THE TIME.
AND I CAN TELL YOU IT WEARS PEOPLE OUT BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T
FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF GOD'S LOVE
AND WHO YOU ARE IN HIM, AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE
AN INDIVIDUAL, THEN YOU'RE CONSTANTLY LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY
ELSE TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, TO MAKE YOU FEEL SUCCESSFUL,
TO MAKE YOU FEEL CONFIDENT, TO MAKE YOU FEEL SECURE.
AND IT'S LIKE YOU'RE EXPECTING SOMETHING THAT THEY'RE NOT GOING
TO GIVE YOU BECAUSE, TO BE HONEST, NO MATTER WHO YOU
MARRY--NOW, I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE SHOCKING, BUT I HAVE TO
SAY THIS.
THEY ARE NOT GOING TO BE FOCUSED ON YOU ALL THE TIME.
ISN'T THAT SURPRISING?
THEY DON'T HAVE YOU ON THEIR MIND ALL THE TIME.
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BE FOCUSED ON YOU ALL THE TIME.
BUT WHEN A PERSON IS--REALLY LACKS CONFIDENCE, LIKE FOR
EXAMPLE, IF A WOMAN IS INSECURE AND SHE MAKES A NEW MEAL.
IF THE MAN, THE KIDS, WHATEVER DON'T RAVE ABOUT HOW GOOD IT IS,
SHE'S GOING TO AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THAT IT'S NOT GOOD
AND THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT.
YOU KNOW, WHERE A PERSON WHO HAS CONFIDENCE MAY TASTE IT AND SAY,
"THIS IS REALLY GREAT."
AND THEY DON'T--THEY DON'T NECESSARILY HAVE TO HAVE
SOMEBODY ELSE CONFIRMING TO THEM ALL THE TIME THAT EVERYTHING
THEY DO IS GOOD.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE SHOULDN'T COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER,
BUT IF YOU HAVE TO HAVE THAT, THEN IT'S KIND OF EQUIVALENT TO
A DRUG ADDICT NEEDING A FIX.
IT'S LIKE YOU CONSTANTLY EXPECT SOMEBODY ELSE TO FIX YOU,
TO KEEP YOU FIXED ALL THE TIME.
AND IT JUST WEARS THEM ABSOLUTELY OUT.
SO, ARE YOU EXPECTING THE PERSON THAT YOU'RE MARRIED TO TO ALWAYS
BE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU'RE HURTING, TO ALWAYS UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON THAT CAN
EVER UNDERSTAND ANY OF US, AND THAT'S JESUS.
AND I AM GRATEFUL THAT THE BIBLE SAYS THAT WE HAVE A HIGH PRIEST
WHO UNDERSTANDS.
IT GOES ON TO TALK ABOUT OUR WEAKNESSES AND OUR INFIRMITIES,
BUT HE UNDERSTANDS EACH OF US IN OUR OWN LITTLE BRAND OF
WEIRDNESS.
AND TRUST ME, WE ALL HAVE A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF THAT.
AND SO, I GUESS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT DAVE AND I HAD
A NUMBER OF ARGUMENTS OVER OVER THE YEARS WAS I WANTED--NO
MATTER WHAT I TOLD HIM I WAS GOING THROUGH, I WANTED HIM TO
SIT AND LISTEN TO EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY WORD, AND I WANTED HIM
TO UNDERSTAND.
BUT HE DIDN'T.
GINGER: JOYCE HAS MORE PRACTICAL TIPS FOR YOU ON
MARRIAGE.
AND NOW, LET'S TAKE A MOMENT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.
[MUSIC]
GINGER: WE ASKED YOU TO SHARE HOW GOD HAS SHOWN YOU THAT HE
CARES ABOUT THE SMALL THINGS THAT ARE VERY IMPORTANT
AND SPECIAL TO YOU.
SO, HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN SHARED OF WHAT I CALL
GOD'S WINGS TO YOU.
THIS IS JEANETTE FROM WASHINGTON STATE.
"ONE TIME I WAS DE-CLUTTERING AND WAS GOING TO THROW OUT
A PICTURE.
SOMETHING IN MY SPIRIT SAID, 'STOP, TAKE IT APART, THERE'S
A SURPRISE FOR YOU.' SO, I TOOK IT APART
AND FOUND AN ORIGINAL PORTRAIT OF MY PARENTS FROM THE 1940S.
HE CARES ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS AND HOW WE LIVE.
THANKS FOR LETTING US SHARE."
WELL, THANK YOU, JEANETTE, FOR SHARING THAT, WE APPRECIATE IT.
ROMI FROM PASADENA SAYS, I LOVE THIS ONE, "I GOT
A FLUX CAPACITOR BASED ON THE 'BACK TO THE FUTURE'
MOVIE CAR PHONE CHARGER TODAY!
ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS BOUGHT IT FOR ME.
IT'S JUST A TOTAL SURPRISE.
GOD CARES ABOUT SOMETHING SO SMALL, SOMETHING AS SILLY AS A
CAR CHARGER WAS IMPORTANT TO GOD BECAUSE IT WAS SPECIAL TO ME."
WELL, THOSE ARE GOOD, AND GOD DOES CARE ABOUT
EVERY SINGLE THING.
AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU A TIP ABOUT MARRIAGE, APPRECIATING
THOSE SMALL THINGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT IN A MARRIAGE.
SO, THANKS FOR SHARING THESE, WE WANT TO HEAR MORE OF YOUR VOICE.
SINCE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE TODAY, LET'S JUST DO
IT, LET'S JUST JUMP RIGHT IN THERE AND SHARE WHAT YOU
APPRECIATE MOST ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE.
LOOK FOR THOSE GOOD THINGS, MAYBE THEY'LL SEE IT.
IF NOT, IT'S A GREAT EXERCISE FOR YOU TO WRITE IT DOWN,
AND IT'S IMPORTANT TO SHARE.
SO, USE FACEBOOK--FACEBOOK, TWITTER, USE #EA.
AND RIGHT NOW, HERE IS MORE FROM JOYCE ANSWERING THE QUESTION,
"CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY MARRIAGE?"
JOYCE: THE NEXT THING I WANT TO SAY IS ALWAYS ENTER
RELATIONSHIPS, IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP, WITH THE IDEA
OF GIVING RATHER THAN GETTING.
AND THE THING IS IS OUR MINDSET, THE DIRECTION WE SET OUR MIND
IN, HAS SO MUCH TO DO WITH THE WAY THINGS TURN OUT IN OUR LIFE.
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
I SAID TO DAVE, I DON'T KNOW, A YEAR OR TWO AGO, I SAID--
'CAUSE I KNOW HOW MUCH, YOU KNOW, HE ENJOYS
PLAYING GOLF.
AND YOU KNOW, DAVE IS VERY HEALTHY, AND SO THAT'S ALL GOOD.
BUT I SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE IF YOU EVER FOR
SOME REASON GOT TO THE POINT WHERE YOU COULDN'T PLAY GOLF?"
AND I THOUGHT THE ANSWER HE GAVE ME REALLY DESCRIBES MY HUSBAND
VERY WELL.
HE SAID, "WELL, I'VE ACTUALLY ALREADY THOUGHT ABOUT THAT,
AND I'VE SET MY MIND THAT EVEN IF THAT HAPPENS, I CAN STILL BE
JUST AS HAPPY AS I AM RIGHT NOW."
AND SEE, WE ALL NEED TO HAVE THIS MINDSET THAT MY JOY IS NOT
DEPENDING ON HOW YOU ACT BECAUSE IF IT IS, NOW I'M CO-DEPENDENT
ON YOUR BEHAVIOR.
AND SO, WE'RE EASILY CONTROLLED BY WHATEVER'S GOING ON AROUND US
BECAUSE, TO BE HONEST, WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HOW
SOMEBODY ELSE IS GOING TO ACT ALL THE TIME.
I CAN'T CONTROL HOW--I MEAN, NOW THANKFULLY DAVE IS VERY STABLE,
AND SO THAT'S BEEN AN EXTREME BLESSING TO ME IN MY LIFE
BECAUSE I GREW UP AROUND PEOPLE THAT WEREN'T STABLE.
BUT IF I WAS MARRIED TO SOMEBODY THAT MAYBE HAD MORE UPS AND
DOWNS, YOU KNOW, THEN I WOULD HAVE TO MAKE MY MIND UP,
FIRST OF ALL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
BECAUSE A LOT OF TIMES IF PEOPLE AROUND YOU AREN'T HAPPY,
THEN YOU TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF FIXING THEM.
AND BOY, THAT'S ANOTHER WHOLE NIGHTMARE ALL ON ITS OWN.
AND SO, I JUST HAD TO LEARN THAT I CAN'T GIVE SOMEBODY ELSE
THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY JOY, AND WE NEED TO ALWAYS MAKE SURE
THAT WE KNOW WHO WE ARE ENOUGH THAT WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE
CO-DEPENDENT ON SOMEBODY ELSE AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT
WE NEED TO DO.
CAN ANYBODY SAY AMEN OR "OH ME," OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
SO, ALWAYS ENTER RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE THOUGHT OF GIVING
RATHER THAN TAKING.
AND BASICALLY, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, EVERY SINGLE DAY
OF YOUR LIFE, EVERY DAY.
I DID IT JUST THIS MORNING.
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE WE ALL HAVE A TENDENCY TO BE FOCUSED ON US.
"WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME?
HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME HAPPY?
HOW CAN I GET YOU TO DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO?
CAN WE EAT WHERE I WANT TO EAT?" YOU KNOW, ON AND ON AND ON.
AND SO, I MAKE THAT A HABIT.
I DON'T SAY THAT I DO IT EVERY DAY, BUT I SPENT TIME THIS
MORNING, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I WAS COMING HERE TO TEACH ON
MARRIAGE, BUT I PURPOSELY SET MY MIND TO BE FOCUSED ON WHAT CAN I
DO FOR OTHER PEOPLE TODAY.
BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED THAT IF I'M FOCUSED ON ME, I'M NOT HAPPY.
AND SO, THE WAY WE SET OUR MIND, THE DIRECTION WE SET OUR MIND IN
IS VERY IMPORTANT.
SO, WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, IF YOUR MIND IS SET AND MADE UP
THAT THIS PERSON'S SUPPOSED TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ALL THE TIME,
BOY, YOU'VE JUST ALREADY SIGNED UP FOR A DISASTER.
BUT IF YOU SET YOUR MIND, "I WANT TO GIVE."
YOU KNOW, "I WANT TO MAKE THIS OTHER PERSON HAPPY.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR THEM THAT WILL MAKE THEM HAPPY?"
AND IF YOU DO THAT, THEN THE VERY ACT OF GIVING
GIVES JOY IN YOUR LIFE.
WHERE IF WE GO AT A RELATIONSHIP WITH, "WHAT CAN I GET?
WHAT CAN I GET?" THEN EVERY TIME WE DON'T GET
SOMETHING, WE'RE UNHAPPY.
AND SO, YOU KNOW, DAVE IS NOT A MAN THAT REQUIRES A LOT.
HE'S A VERY STABLE MAN, HE'S VERY HAPPY.
BUT I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, YOU LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE GIVE YOU
WHAT YOU WANT.
AND SO, IT'S IMPORTANT TO LEARN THE PERSON THAT YOU'RE IN
A RELATIONSHIP WITH AND WHAT ACTUALLY ARE THEY MOTIVATED BY,
WHAT BLESSES THEM.
MY HUSBAND LOVES PEACE.
IF YOU KEEP IT PEACEFUL, DAVE IS HAPPY.
HE DOESN'T LIKE ARGUING.
HE DOESN'T LIKE COMPLICATED DISCUSSIONS.
HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT GETTING REAL DEEP INTO EVERY LITTLE
FEELING THAT SOMEBODY HAS AND WHAT'S GOING ON.
NOW, I COULD SIT AND TALK ABOUT THAT STUFF ALL DAY,
BUT THAT'S NOT HIM.
DAVE WANTS PEACE.
SO, I PURPOSE TO TRY TO GIVE HIM PEACE.
AND I KNOW THAT DAVE'S LOVE LANGUAGE IS TIME, SO IF HE'S
TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING AND TALK TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING,
EVEN IF IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME, I'M STILL LEARNING, AND I'LL SAY
STILL LEARNING BECAUSE IT'S NOT MY NUMBER ONE GIFT, I'M STILL
LEARNING TO REALLY LISTEN AND PAY ATTENTION.
WHERE I LOVE IT WHEN HE DOES THINGS FOR ME, LIKE HE DOES
THE DISHES ALMOST EVERY NIGHT, AND I LOVE THAT.
SO, YOU HAVE TO KIND OF STOP TRYING TO GIVE PEOPLE WHAT YOU
WANT AND WHAT YOU LIKE, AND JUST BE IN THE RELATIONSHIP FOR WHAT
I CAN GET, BUT ACTUALLY THE WHOLE ACT OF LOVE, WHICH WE ARE
COMMANDED AS CHRISTIANS TO DO, IS TO THINK ABOUT WHAT CAN
I GIVE YOU, NOT WHAT CAN YOU GIVE ME.
AND SO, THEN THE SELFISH NATURE SAYS, "WELL, THEN WHAT'S GOING
TO HAPPEN TO ME?" WELL, THEN GOD TAKES CARE OF US.
SO, LET ME JUST SAY NOW AFTER 50 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, I CAN TELL
YOU, AND I FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THIS, I DON'T THINK THE
WAY THE WORLD IS TODAY, THERE'S MUCH HOPE OF ANYBODY GETTING
MARRIED AND STAYING MARRIED VERY LONG IF YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO BE COMMITTED TO DOING THINGS THE WAY THAT GOD WOULD WANT
YOU TO DO THEM.
AND SADLY, A LOT OF CHRISTIANS AREN'T.
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE WE GO TO CHURCH DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE'RE
SAYING YES TO GOD ON A REGULAR BASIS.
AND SO, ANYBODY WHO WILL COMMIT TO DOING THEIR PART TO DO WHAT'S
RIGHT BEFORE GOD, GOD WILL REWARD YOU.
AND THERE'S A MUCH GREATER CHANCE THAT HE WILL MAKE THE
CHANGES IN THE OTHER PERSON THAT NEEDS TO BE MADE IF YOU JUST DO
WHAT'S RIGHT BEFORE HIM, AND STOP TRYING TO MAKE THAT OTHER
PERSON GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT.
GINGER: ONE OF THE PRAYER REQUESTS THAT WE RECEIVE MOST
FREQUENTLY IS FOR RESTORATION OF MARRIAGE.
WE KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH REALLY TOUGH TIMES, AND
THIS NEXT STORY IS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW GOD CAN HEAL A MARRIAGE ON
THE BRINK OF DIVORCE.
MALE: MY TURN?
DEBBIE: I WASN'T UNHAPPY IN THE MARRIAGE.
OBVIOUSLY, THERE WAS A PROBLEM OR SOMETHING COULDN'T
HAVE HAPPENED.
BUT AGAIN, AT THE TIME, I WASN'T LOOKING, SO IT REALLY SHOCKED ME
THAT THE ENEMY DID COME IN AND PERSUADE ME TO BE INTERESTED
IN SOMEONE ELSE.
SCOTT: I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT, BUT THERE WERE
CERTAIN THINGS.
I MEAN, SHE WOULD GO DO THINGS, AND HE WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE.
SO, I HAD--I HAD THAT GUT FEELING, BUT YET I DIDN'T WANT
TO I GUESS ADMIT TO IT.
ANNOUNCER: WHEN DEBBIE TOLD SCOTT ABOUT THE AFFAIR, HE WAS
HEARTBROKEN, BUT REFUSED TO MOVE OUT OF THEIR HOME.
THEY WOULD LIVE TOGETHER BUT LEAD SEPARATE LIVES FOR
THE NEXT 7 YEARS.
DEBBIE: WE DIDN'T SEPARATE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT BECAUSE AT
THE TIME, OUR SON WAS VERY YOUNG, MAYBE TWO AND A HALF.
SCOTT: TREVOR WAS THE MAIN THING.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A WEEKEND DAD.
AND THAT WAS MY ULTIMATE GOAL, I'M NOT GOING TO BE
A WEEKEND DAD.
DEBBIE: SO, WE ENDED UP WITH A MUTUAL PARTNERSHIP.
WE BOTH WORKED, WE BOTH CONTRIBUTED TO THE FINANCES,
AND OF COURSE WE BOTH TOOK CARE OF MY SON.
YOU KNOW, WE DID THE THINGS A FAMILY DOES, IT'S JUST MOM
AND DAD WEREN'T A COUPLE.
ANNOUNCER: THE AFFAIR CONTINUED THROUGHOUT THOSE
7 YEARS, AND THEN SOMETHING CHANGED.
A SERIES OF TRAGIC EVENTS TOUCHED THE LIVES OF THREE
OF DEBBIE'S CLOSE FRIENDS.
IT MADE HER REEVALUATE HER OWN LIFE.
SHE DECIDED TO END THE AFFAIR AND REACH OUT TO SCOTT TO SAVE
THEIR MARRIAGE.
DEBBIE: YOU KNOW, I CAN STILL CHANGE THIS SO THAT OUR FAMILY
IS NOT FOREVER SEPARATED.
SCOTT: WHEN DEBBIE TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO TRY TO MAKE OUR
MARRIAGE WORK, FIRST REACTION WAS HONESTLY, "YEAH RIGHT,
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
AFTER THIS LONG, YOU KNOW, WHY?
YOU KNOW, WHAT'S GOING ON?" DEBBIE: DURING THAT TIME,
IT BECAME AWFUL.
I WOULD SAY ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.
I SAW A SIDE OF MY HUSBAND THAT I DIDN'T EVEN SEE WHEN I WAS
INVOLVED.
SCOTT: THERE WAS REALLY A LOT OF RESENTMENT, AND THE ONLY
THING I COULD REALLY THINK OF WAS, "MAYBE SHE'S GOING TO TRY
TO BUILD ME BACK UP AGAIN AND KNOCK ME BACK DOWN."
ANNOUNCER: SOON AFTER DEBBIE TOLD HIM SHE WANTED TO WORK ON
THEIR MARRIAGE, SCOTT HAD AN AFFAIR IN RETALIATION FOR ALL
THE PAIN SHE HAD CAUSED HIM.
SCOTT: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I DID.
WHETHER IT WAS--WELL, I MEAN, I SIT THERE AND SAY WHETHER IT WAS
RIGHT OR WRONG.
IT WAS WRONG, DEFINITELY WRONG.
YOU KNOW, I HURT HER MORE PROBABLY THAN SHE HURT ME.
ANNOUNCER: THE HOSTILITY AND REJECTION HAD GOTTEN SO BAD THAT
DEBBIE WENT TO SEE AN ATTORNEY.
IN THE MEANTIME, SHE MET A NEW FRIEND WHO WAS A CHRISTIAN.
SHE ENCOURAGED HER TO FIGHT FOR HER MARRIAGE.
DEBBIE: YOU KNOW, SHE SAID, "GOD REALLY DOESN'T WANT YOU
TO DO THIS.
HE'S REALLY FOR MARRIAGES.
AND IF YOU HANG IN THERE, HE IS GOING TO HELP YOU."
AND YOU KNOW, I KNEW GOD, AND I BELIEVED IN GOD, BUT I DIDN'T
KNOW A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH GOD.
I DID NOT KNOW THAT I COULD RELATE TO HIM EVERY DAY.
I HAD THEN MET A PASTOR, AND HE SAID TO ME, "YOU DO NOT NEED TO
HAVE YOUR HUSBAND'S, YOU KNOW, AGREEMENT IN THIS.
YOU AND GOD CAN SAVE THIS MARRIAGE."
SO, HE GAVE ME HOPE.
SO, HE BEGAN TO TEACH ME THAT THERE WERE PROMISES WITH GOD.
WHEN I HEARD THAT, THAT WAS LIFE-CHANGING TO ME.
I THOUGHT, "THERE'S PROMISES, I CAN HAVE THEM.
I CAN--THIS IS FOR ME."
SO, I BEGAN APPLYING GOD'S WORD IN EVERY SITUATION.
ANNOUNCER: THOUGH DEBBIE DIDN'T KNOW IT AT THE TIME, SHE
AND SCOTT HAD BEGUN A JOURNEY OF HEALING AND FORGIVENESS THAT
WOULD TAKE 2 1/2 YEARS TO COMPLETE.
IT WAS A DAY BY DAY PROCESS WHERE SHE WOULD MEET SCOTT'S
HOSTILITY HEAD ON WITH KINDNESS.
SCOTT: SHE WAS JUST BEING TOO NICE, AND I THINK IT--I THINK IT
WORE ON ME, YOU KNOW?
HEY, WHY NOT, YOU KNOW?
IT'S BEEN 7 YEARS, IT'S BEEN, YOU KNOW, A YEAR NOW SHE'S BEING
VERY NICE.
ANNOUNCER: IN 2009, THE COUPLE RENEWED THEIR VOWS,
WHICH ALSO MARKED THEIR 20TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
DEBBIE: AND THIS TIME WHEN WE GOT MARRIED, IT WAS--WE LEARNED
TO KEEP GOD FIRST AND PUT EACH OTHER AHEAD OF OURSELVES.
ANNOUNCER: BUT THERE WAS ONE FINAL ACT OF FORGIVENESS THAT
STILL NEEDED TO HAPPEN TO BRING COMPLETE CLOSURE.
SCOTT: I'M GOING TO APOLOGIZE TO HER ON TV.
I DON'T THINK I EVER DID FOR MY ACTIONS THAT I DID, MY AFFAIR.
I'M GOING TO APOLOGIZE TO HER, AND JUST WANT HER TO KNOW THAT
I'M SORRY, THAT I SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE--I SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE OF
A MAN, AND DID THE THINGS THAT I NEEDED TO DO TO KEEP US
TOGETHER.
SO, DEBBIE, I'M SORRY.
DEBBIE: THAT WAS AWESOME.
GINGER: WHAT A WONDERFUL, ENCOURAGING STORY.
AND YOU KNOW, THEY ARE ABOUT TO HAVE THEIR 27TH ANNIVERSARY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED OVER 30 YEARS NOW,
DAVE AND JOYCE OVER 50.
SO, THERE'S A LOT OF ACCUMULATIVE EXPERIENCE THERE
THAT WE CAN ALL SHARE WITH YOU.
AND THERE'S EVEN MORE IN HERE.
JOYCE AND DAVE HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT, LIKE EVERYONE HAS
WHO'S BEEN MARRIED 50 YEARS.
AND JOYCE SHARES IT IN THIS PACKAGE.
THIS IS A CD AND A DVD ALL ABOUT MARRIAGE.
IT'S AVAILABLE DIGITALLY OR A HARD COPY, AND WHAT YOU'LL
GET IS JOYCE TEACHING ABOUT MARRIAGE, AND THEN ALSO YOU WILL
GET MORE OF YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED AS SHE DID A QUESTION
AND ANSWER SEGMENT.
THAT'S ON DVD, SO THERE'S JUST A LOT AVAILABLE IN HERE.
YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT, YOU CAN WATCH IT, AND IT IS AVAILABLE TO
YOU FOR ANY AMOUNT.
JUST CALL RIGHT NOW, DON'T WAIT, GET THIS TODAY.
JUST GET ON THAT ROAD THAT YOU WANT TO BE WITH WITH YOUR
MARRIAGE.
AND THIS MAKES A GREAT GIFT.
SO, DON'T FORGET TO PICK IT UP FOR A FRIEND, SOMEONE IN YOUR
FAMILY, SOMEONE YOU LOVE.
AND IT'S SO EASY, CALL, GO TO THE WEBSITE RIGHT NOW.
ALSO, COMING UP NEXT WEEK ON "EVERYDAY ANSWERS."
JOYCE: TREAT OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANNA BE TREATED,
NOT THE WAY THEY TREAT YOU.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
JOYCE: YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.
GINGER: DON'T FORGET TO ASK US THOSE QUESTIONS, #ASKJOYCE
IF YOU'RE ON TWITTER.
WE LOVE TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS.
NOW, HERE IS THE CONCLUSION OF "CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME
WITH MY MARRIAGE?" JOYCE: NEXT BIG MISTAKE YOU
CAN MAKE IS PLANNING TO TRY TO CHANGE THE PERSON.
ESPECIALLY LIKE IF YOU NOTICE SOME THINGS BEFORE YOU GET
MARRIED, AND YOU'RE THINKING, "OH, I CAN CHANGE THAT.
I CAN--WELL, I'LL WORK ON THAT."
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I TRIED EVERY WAY THAT I COULD
TRY TO GET DAVE NOT TO LIKE SPORTS.
NO REASON OTHER THAN SELFISHNESS.
I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THEM, I DIDN'T GROW UP GETTING
TO DO ANY OF THAT.
MY FATHER NEVER LIKED ANY KIND OF SPORTS.
WE DIDN'T HAVE THEM ON TELEVISION, WE DIDN'T GO TO--I
MEAN, NONE OF THAT WAS PART OF OUR LIFE.
AND SO, IT'S JUST NOT ANYTHING THAT I REALLY AM GOING TO PUT MY
TIME INTO.
SO, I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO LIKE IT.
BUT I CAN TELL YOU THE TRUTH, THE MORE YOU TRY TO GET SOMEBODY
NOT TO DO SOMETHING, THE MORE THEY'RE GOING TO WANT TO DO IT.
I MEAN, THAT WHOLE PRINCIPAL IS FOUND IN THE BIBLE ABOUT
THE LAW.
THAT'S WHY THE LAW CAUSED PEOPLE TO SIN MORE, NOT LESS.
AND GOD DID THAT ON PURPOSE TO SHOW PEOPLE THAT THEY NEEDED
A SAVIOR.
SO, THE MORE YOU TRY TO MAKE SOMEBODY NOT DO SOMETHING,
THE MORE THEY'RE PROBABLY GOING TO WANT TO DO IT.
AND ACTUALLY, TODAY, DAVE LOVES ALL KINDS OF SPORTS THAT HE
DIDN'T EVEN LIKE WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.
I MEAN, HE'S ADDED THINGS THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN PLAY.
LIKE, NOW HE WATCHES TENNIS ALL THE TIME, HE DOESN'T PLAY
TENNIS.
YOU KNOW, HE'LL WATCH A BOWLING TOURNAMENT ON TV.
AND YOU KNOW, THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOW I'M JUST--HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY WAY WITH WHAT I'D LIKE
HIM TO BE INTERESTED IN.
BUT YOU KNOW, DAVE IS NOT--HE'S NOT A REAL AGGRESSIVE MAN.
HIS PERSONALITY IS NOT REAL AGGRESSIVE.
HE ALWAYS SAID, "YOU'RE ALWAYS AHEAD OF GOD," AND I SAID,
"YEAH.
AND YOU'RE 10 MILES BEHIND HIM."
AND SO, HERE WE HAVE THESE TWO PEOPLE THAT ARE MARRIED,
AND I'M JUST REAL AGGRESSIVE AND HE'S NOT AS AGGRESSIVE.
AND SO, I TRIED TO GET HIM TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE, AND I WOULD SAY
TO HIM, YOU KNOW, "YOU NEED TO BE MORE OF THIS, AND YOU NEED TO
BE MORE OF THAT."
AND YOU KNOW HOW AWFUL IT IS, HOW IT MAKES A PERSON FEEL IF
YOU'RE CONSTANTLY GIVING THEM MESSAGES THAT THEY'RE LESS THAN
WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE?
"YOU NEED TO BE THIS.
YOU NEED TO DO THAT."
ESPECIALLY IF IT'S NOT SOMETHING THEY EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO.
AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THE DAY HE SAID TO ME, HE SAID, "YOU BETTER
THANK GOD THAT I AM THE WAY THAT I AM BECAUSE IF I WASN'T,
YOU SURE WOULDN'T BE DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING."
AND SO, I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU TODAY THAT THERE'S A REALLY
GOOD POSSIBILITY NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, THAT THE PERSON THAT
YOU MARRIED IS REALLY PERFECT FOR YOU.
I DIDN'T EXPECT ANYBODY TO CLAP, BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
JOYCE: YOU CAN'T PRESSURE SOMEBODY TO
BE SOMETHING THAT THEY'RE NOT.
NOW, YOU KNOW, WHAT WE FOCUS ON IS WHAT DEVELOPS MORE AND MORE
IN OUR LIFE.
SO, IF I FOCUS ON WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT SOMEBODY, THEN PRETTY
SOON THAT'S ALL I SEE.
AMEN?
BUT IF I FOCUS ON WHAT I DO LIKE, MOST OF THE TIME YOU'LL
FIND OUT, NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU THINK YOUR RELATION IS, MOST OF
THE TIME YOU WILL FIND OUT IF YOU FOCUS ON WHAT YOU DO LIKE,
THERE'S PROBABLY A LOT MORE THAT YOU LIKE THAN WHAT YOU
DON'T LIKE.
I LOVE THE FACT THAT DAVE IS PEACEFUL.
I LOVE THE FACT THAT HE'S EASY TO GET ALONG WITH.
I LOVE THE FACT THAT HE JUST LETS ME BE ME.
IF I WENT TO DAVE AND SAID, "WHAT--" WHICH I'VE DONE.
LIKE, "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHANGE ABOUT ME?
YOU KNOW, IF I CAN CHANGE SOMETHING, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE
ME TO CHANGE SO YOU COULD BE HAPPIER?"
HE SAID, "NOTHING, I LIKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE."
AND SO, IF YOU WOULD HAVE ASKED ME THAT QUESTION 30 YEARS AGO,
I PROBABLY HAD A WRITTEN LIST ALREADY.
I MEAN, 'CAUSE I ACTUALLY REMEMBER TIMES WHEN I SAT DOWN
AND MADE A LIST OF EVERYTHING THAT I THOUGHT DAVE NEEDED TO
CHANGE FOR ME TO BE HAPPY.
WELL, I KNOW THAT THERE ARE THINGS.
I MEAN, DAVE COULDN'T POSSIBLY LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.
I KNOW THAT BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW WHAT MY WEAKNESS ARE AND
SOME OF THE THINGS THAT NOBODY WOULD WANT TO PUT UP WITH IF
THAT WAS ALL THEY FOCUSED ON.
AND I KNOW THAT THERE ARE THINGS ABOUT DAVE THAT I PROBABLY DON'T
CARE FOR, BUT TO BE HONEST, IF YOU ASK ME THAT NOW, I WOULD
HAVE TO THINK A REALLY LONG TIME TO COME UP WITH IT.
YOU KNOW WHY?
NOT BECAUSE IT'S NOT THERE, BUT I DON'T FOCUS ON IT.
AND SO, IF YOU THINK ABOUT LIKE A--SAY A POLAROID CAMERA, I
COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF ANYTHING IN HERE TODAY THAT I WANTED TO,
DEPENDING ON WHERE I FOCUSED THE CAMERA.
AND THEN WHATEVER I FOCUSED ON WOULD DEVELOP IN MY LIFE.
AND I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS
A LOT LATELY.
WHAT YOU FOCUS ON, YOU FOCUS ON YOUR PROBLEMS, PRETTY SOON
YOU'RE GOING TO THINK THAT YOU'VE GOT THE WORST LIFE IN THE
WHOLE WORLD BECAUSE ALL YOU'RE GOING TO SEE IS YOUR PROBLEMS.
BUT IF YOU FOCUS ON YOUR BLESSINGS, THAT GIVES GOD
AN OPPORTUNITY THEN TO WORK ON THE PROBLEMS.
AND SO, IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEBODY,
AND THEY DO A LOT OF THINGS THAT THAT YOU DON'T LIKE,
PRAY FOR THEM.
PRAY ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
AND MAKE SURE WHEN YOU PRAY, THAT YOU DO IT WITH AN ATTITUDE
OF HUMILITY.
I NEVER GO AND SAY, "GOD, THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE IN DAVE."
I'LL PRAY MORE LIKE THIS NOW, "GOD, I WOULD LIKE THIS TO
CHANGE, BUT MAYBE IT'S NOT EVEN THE PROBLEM I THINK IT IS,
IT MAY JUST BE MY ATTITUDE.
AND SO, FIRST OF ALL, I WANT YOU TO CHANGE ANYTHING IN ME THAT
NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.
AND IF THIS IS SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE IN DAVE, THEN
I'M ASKING YOU TO CHANGE IT, AND TO HELP ME FOCUS ON ALL
THE GOOD THINGS, NOT ON THE THINGS THAT ARE AN ISSUE."
GINGER: WELL, WHAT YOU HAVE JUST BEEN WATCHING IS AVAILABLE
RIGHT HERE.
AND YOU'VE ONLY SEEN PART OF IT, SO THERE IS MUCH MORE IN THIS
RESOURCE.
IT'S SIMPLY CALLED "MARRIAGE," AND IT'S SO HELPFUL.
IT'S ON CD AND ON DVD RIGHT HERE.
YOU CAN ALSO GET IT AS A DIGITAL DOWNLOAD
FOR ANY AMOUNT RIGHT NOW.
DON'T WAIT, PICK THIS UP.
THERE IS HOPE FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, DON'T GIVE UP.
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US, WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
CC BY ABERDEEN CAPTIONING 1-800-688-6621 WWW.ABERCAP.COM
[MUSIC]
ANNOUNCER: THE PRECEDING PROGRAM WAS PAID FOR BY
THE FRIENDS AND PARTNERS OF JOYCE MEYER MINISTRIES.
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