(birds chirping)
(choir singing)
All right, let's straighten you up here, Regina.
Oh, please, I'm just a mess.
All right, let's see. There we go.
Is that better? Oh, good.
Sister Brendan!
I haven't seen you in a month of Sundays.
I know, I just got back home.
I was chosen to take a group of our students
to study the rainforest in Brazil.
It was amazing!
Must be nice.
I just took a group of our students
to study methods of incarceration in Jersey City.
Well, if you're ever arrested,
you'll be prepared.
Speaking of getting arrested,
where is Sister Robert Anne?
Was one of your sisters in jail?
No...well, not recently, thank the Lord.
Say, what's this I hear
about you losing funding for your music and art classes?
We just found out this week.
The parish doesn't have the money.
Oh, that bites the big one, doesn't it?
Aren't you getting any cuts at Mary Immaculate?
Are you kidding?
At Our Lady of the Cadillacs?
Every girl at our school is planning on being
what I dreamed I'd be when I grew up.
A nun?
An heiress.
(laughing)
(choir singing)
(birds chirping)
♪
Hoboken Has Talent,
Variety Show Competition,
$100,000 prize for the winning school!
Holy...Mary, Mother of God!
(bell tolling)
♪
This could be the answer to our prayers!
♪
♪ Some folks think of convents as the places where we pray ♪
♪ But let us tell ya, convents are much more than that today ♪
♪ We're dedicated people, but we like to have our fun ♪
♪ We're here today to share with you the humor of the nun ♪♪
(clicking)
Let us pray that this retreat
will help all of us to improve ourselves
and to grow in our relationship with God.
In the name of the Father and of the Son
and of the Holy Spirit.
-Amen. -Amen.
Dear Lord, as we sit in this peaceful place,
let us discover in the quiet of our hearts--
(quirky ringtone)
Apparently there is someone extremely important
here with us.
Who is it?
Sister.
Bring the phone up here.
What is so urgent
that it cannot wait until your free time today?
"Up for parole soon, thought maybe you could put in
a special request with the Big Guy
to help me get out of this hellhole."
"Teetle." What is that?
That's T-T-Y-L, "talk to you later."
He's an old boyfriend.
We were in the same gang growing up in Brooklyn.
We--
We actually got arrested together once.
It was--it was kinda sweet.
But he could never get his act together,
so that's why he's in jail right now.
Thank you for the history lesson, Sister.
So sorry, Father, it won't happen again.
No, it won't, because I'm keeping your phone
until the end of this retreat.
Now, is there anyone else that would like to bring up
a cell phone just to avoid temptation?
Let us start again, shall we?
In the name of the Father and of the S--
("Hallelujah" chorus ringtone)
(giggling)
She who has not sinned with cell phone
can cast the first stone.
(coins rattling)
Well, what are you waiting for?
Get a rock!
♪
Folks, I want to thank you for joining me today
for the final program in our series,
"Comedy in the Confessional."
And a special thanks to our friend,
Earl-Dean Snedeker,
for today's confession entitled,
"And then Father said,
'No kidding!
What happened next?'"
(laughing)
We'll be right back.
Sister Wilhelm,
did I look okay on that last shot?
I think so, Reverend Mother, but I'm still having
a little trouble with the zoom.
Come on.
Oh, I think I need a manual.
Sister Hubert, Sister Wilhelm's a nurse.
What does she know about running a camera?
I was president of the AV Club at Guadalupe Academy.
I should be doing that.
Oh, Sister Michaela, I wish I had a nickel
for every time things didn't go my way.
If I were Mother Superior,
I might've given Sister Michaela a chance,
but as Mistress of Novices,
I'm only number two around here.
First runner-up, always a bridesmaid,
but I'm not bitter.
They think because I'm Cuban I don't know anything.
No, they think because you're a novice
you don't know anything.
We've all been through it.
(ding)
Psst!
You're on!
Oh!
Welcome back to the show.
I'm sorry to say I have some very unsettling news.
Ever since I became principal of Mount Saint Helen's,
I have always been determined to keep two programs alive:
Music and Arts, and Cursive Writing.
However, due to a serious financial shortfall,
Music and Arts will be cut from our school curriculum.
They're cutting Music and Arts from the school?
That's awful.
However, when God closes a door,
He opens a window.
A local philanthropist has set up a challenge
called "Hoboken Has Talent."
$100,000 will be awarded to the school
that puts on the best variety show.
Now, I don't want to seem overconfident,
but we've been blessed with an abundance of talent
here at Mount Saint Helen's,
and we've been known for putting on a variety show
with great success!
Roll the tape!
♪ We're just a couple of sisters ♪
♪ Plain as we can be ♪
♪ Just a couple of sisters who've discovered harmony ♪
A hundred thousand dollars?
Are you going to be in the competition?
Does the sun rise in the east?
You know, you should try out.
I bet you got a lot of clever ideas in that old hacienda.
♪ Just a couple of sisters ♪♪
The rules say students, teachers, parents, and friends
can participate in the contest,
and you know we'll be in it to win it.
Until next time, from our studio here
in Mount Saint Helen's Convent basement,
this is Mother Mary Regina saying,
thanks for tuning in, and remember,
penmanship counts!
(tone)
♪
Now, our cook, Sister Julia...
-Child of God. -Child of God.
...tells me she has someone who will be a sponsor.
I do, Reverend Mother.
I was at Rothstein's Relic and Rosary Emporium,
and there was a special sale on the bones of Saint Lorenzo.
-Who? -Lorenzo.
Oh, I loved him on Falcon Crest!
He was...hot!
Not Lorenzo Lamas.
Saint Lorenzo, the Patron Saint of Cooks!
Well, you should've told me that
before you made dinner yesterday,
I would've prayed to him!
Okay, I'm gonna ignore that.
Mr. Rothstein said
that if I agreed to promote his store,
he'd write a check to help us with our show.
How are you gonna promote his store?
On next week's cooking show,
I'm going to make a brisket,
then when I drop a bone into the pot, I'll say,
"With a Rothstein relic,
you're guaranteed a blessed brisket every time."
I'd still say grace before I ate it.
Reverend Mother, tell 'em to stop picking on me.
Oh, now, Julia, you must admit
you've had some mishaps in the kitchen.
Mishaps?
I think poisoning 52 of our sisters
is a little more than a mishap.
Fifty-two nuns from the Mount Saint Helen's Convent
died today after contracting botulism
from a Vichyssoise soup recipe gone horribly wrong.
You know that was an accident.
A few more accidents like that
and we'll be like the blackfin cisco.
-The black cis-what? -Don't look at me!
-I never even heard of it. -Exactly, it's extinct.
All right, let's not bring up old troubles.
Speaking of trouble, where is Sister Robert Anne?
She had the kids from Saint Clare's Detention Center today.
(horn honking)
Okay, everybody in the van!
Let's go!
Vinnie!
(backboard clanging)
Vinnie!
Get in the van.
Get your (honking) hands off me.
You know something, Vinnie?
When I was your age,
I got sent to that same school, too,
and I can talk just the way you do.
And if you don't move your (honking) ass,
I'm gonna bust your (honking) head open!
Sorry.
(basketball bouncing)
(chuckling)
I'll snap.
♪
First of all, I think we need to make a list
of all the requirements.
What kept you?
Oh, I had a problem with this kid Vinnie.
He wouldn't get in the van, so I had to tell him...
Actually, you don't want to know.
-You're right. -You know, I was--
I was thinking about the show,
and when I was growing up in Brooklyn...
You lived down the street from Barbra Streisand.
-We know, Sister. -Yes, it's true,
and humility prevents me from saying it,
but I really believe
that some of her talent has rubbed off on me.
Well, I'm so glad humility prevents you from saying it.
Many people think I put up with Robert Anne
because I was just like her,
but that's not true.
I grew up in the circus.
She was in a gang.
She stole cars.
All I ever stole was the spotlight.
Now, the first thing we need to decide is
who should host the show?
Well, I'll let you handle that.
I've got to get dinner started.
All right. Rosie?
Hey, Rosie!
Say what, what's the matter, where'd it go?
Would you go and help Julia in the kitchen?
Oh, Reverend Mother.
Not even Saint What's-His-Halo could do that.
Better I should light a candle.
(muttering in Italian)
When she cooks that sausage...
As I was saying, the most important thing
is that the host can keep everything moving,
and at the same time, be very charming.
Oh, I agree.
Someone who the audience
could totally fall in love with.
Well, I think it's more important
that the host has management skills.
When I was a gang leader in Canarsie,
it was my management skills that kept us out of jail.
Except that one time.
Regina, I know you were a sensation
as a tightrope walker,
but a circus is very different than a variety show.
As Mistress of Novices, management is my strong suit.
The fact is, Reverend Mother,
once you let me start teaching by cabaret class,
I was basically a host.
I sang, I danced, I kept things moving.
You chewed the scenery.
That is not true.
You show me one tooth mark.
The crowd loved me, and I could tell you--
But humility prevents you. We know.
Robert Anne, you're the only one I know
who could steal focus from herself.
I say that we get another opinion.
Sister Michaela, would you go find
Sister Mary Paul and Sister Leo?
Let's see what they say.
So, making the brisket for tonight, huh?
Yes, Reverend Mother said I gotta test everything
before I put it on my show.
Oh, so what doesn't kill us gets into your TV program?
Mamma mia, Santa Maria.
Oh, live with it.
It's time to add the relic; Where is it?
Where'd it go?
Don't look now, but John the Basset is smiling.
No, no, John B., that's not for you!
Give it back, give it back!
Don't you know that stealing bones is a sin?
Oh, I hope it's not ruined.
I'd better wash it off.
Oh, we're all gonna get hydrophobia now.
I'd better light another candle.
Oh, Santo Lorenzo, save us, save us!
Oh, go!
Get the peroxide.
Oh, you mean the paramedics.
I'll see if there's a doctor next door.
The way you cook,
I'm tellin' ya, I'm gonna go to Angelo's.
I'm not eatin' this frickin' brisket she's makin'.
(unintelligible mumbling)
Leo, Amnesia, come on in.
We're talking about the variety show.
Ooh, I was in a variety show once.
Back home in Arkansas,
I played the spreading chestnut tree.
But I tripped onstage and my nuts fell off.
Poor Sister Amnesia-- I mean, Sister Mary Paul,
was hit on the head with a crucifix
and for quite some time,
she couldn't remember who she was.
She's regained her memory,
but she's still a sandwich shy of a picnic.
Who do you think would make the best host?
Sister Hubert, Robert Anne, Wilhelm...
or me?
-Well, I think I would. -You?
Sure, I've done shows since I was a little girl.
I've got experience.
Well, you're no Carol Burnett.
Who's Carol Burnett?
Sister, just because your family performed together
doesn't really make you the host type.
We need somebody with bells and whistles.
-Who's Carol Burnett? -More than bells and whistles,
we need someone who's a leader!
Who's Carol Burnett?
Would somebody please tell her
who Carol Burnett is?
Carol Burnett was one of our finest variety show hosts.
Thank you.
So, why don't you just get Carol Burnett?
Amnesia, why don't you take my phone
and give her a call?
They may still call me Sister Amnesia,
but I remember things.
Lots of things.
Big things, little things,
other things.
(chuckling)
This is so exciting!
(beeping)
Siri, please call Carol Burnett.
Are you crazy?
Carol Burnett is way too busy to take any calls.
Let's put it to a vote.
How many people think that I should host the show?
How many people think that Hubert should be the host?
And then let's guess how many people think
that it should be Sister Wilhelm.
Well, obviously, voting isn't going to work.
Perhaps we should just pray for guidance.
Maybe you'll have another vision.
You have visions?
I did once,
but I couldn't figure out
if I was seeing Saint Catherine of Siena
or Saint Thomas Aquinas in drag.
♪
(snoring)
(glass shattering)
(eccentric wailing)
Ah, Mother Ragina.
It's Regina.
Oh, I'm sorry!
I was thinking it was a-- well, uh, never mind.
I have come in answer to your prayers.
I'm very grateful, but did you have to burst
through the stained glass window?
Couldn't you come down the chimney or something?
What do you think I am, Santa Claus?
Listen, you want to handle this on your own?
I'm gonna head back up to Heaven.
No, no, no, no, don't go.
Listen, I really need your help.
Our cook, Sister Julia, Child of God...
...Child of God.
...served some Vichyssoise soup,
and 52 of our sisters died instantly of botulism.
So tell me, what's the trouble?
Well, we buried 48 of the sisters,
but we came up a little short of funds,
and we had to put the last four dead sisters
in the convent freezer,
so we've gotta raise the money
to bury the last four dead sisters.
There's gotta be an app for that.
Well, let's see, where is that?
Ooh, that's not it.
Now let's see, hmm.
(cheerful humming)
Frigid nun problem.
Click your heels together three times and--
No, no, that's not it.
Ah, wave the magic wand
and bibbidi-bobbidi-boo...
No, that isn't it either.
Wait a minute.
Weren't you in the circus?
-Yes. -Why don't you put on a show?
(phone chiming)
Yes!
I finally got an appointment
with the Department of Miraculous Images!
I gotta get back.
I'm up for an appearance
on a grilled cheese sandwich.
(shouting gleefully)
Hi-ho, Satan!
Wait, don't go!
What kind of show?
Who are you?
(Lone Ranger theme playing)
♪
The Lone Ranger?
I thought he was straight.
♪
I wasn't going to question the advice from a saint,
so we ended up doing a show,
and once you get bitten by the showbiz bug,
it's hard to resist.
She never had a vision.
She fell asleep and it was a dream.
I think she might've gotten into the altar wine,
but you didn't hear that from me.
I don't think we can count on another vision.
Hello, Sisters.
-Can I take some coffee? -Of course.
Oh, Brother Anthony, I'm glad you're here.
We're discussing the show.
Now, do you think our first day of tryouts
should be just singers?
Well, I guess so,
but Brother Timothy's gonna be disappointed.
He's over at the school practicing his juggling.
I hope he's not juggling knives again.
The last time he tried that,
he nearly cut off his middle finger.
Well, at least he won't be able to flip you the bird.
Oh, Robert!
Brother Tim will get his chance later.
So, it's all settled.
We start next Saturday with singers.
(phone ringing)
I'll get it!
Hello, Mount Saint Helen's,
Sister Mary Leo here.
Leo, it's me, your brother; Knock it off.
Hey, Virgil, what's up?
I'm on a roof.
We got no signal in the friary.
I was calling about the tryouts for the variety show.
Does old Grizzlepuss still want me to come over and help out?
You can ask her yourself.
You're on speaker.
Oh, uh, yeah, I knew that.
I was just kidding.
You know me, Reverend Mother,
I'm always joking around.
It's a good thing you're cute, Virgil,
'cause it's all you got going for you right now.
But we do need your help.
Father Virgil has his own music radio program.
He's a big deal around here.
Virgil, you have such great guests on your shows.
If we could get one of them,
maybe it would help improve our chances.
You know, I interviewed Darlene Love last week.
Maybe she would do it.
Darlene Love?
She's incredible!
¿Quién es? I don't know her.
-You don't know her? -You don't know her?
She was in that movie, "20 Feet from Stardom."
It won the Oscar.
Virgil, do you think we could get her?
It's worth a try.
Hey, Grizzlepuss, do you really think I'm cute?
Oh, get off the phone, Virgil!
-Bye! -Say, Anthony,
do we need the school piano tuned?
Oh, it'll be fine.
Ever since the eighth grade production of "Titanic,"
it has not been the same.
Now that was a disaster.
I'd like to meet the idiot who thought it was a good idea
for them to turn on the fire hose for the big finish.
Well, thank God I knew where the shut-off was.
Let's not tell the kids about the funding problem.
Oh, remember when we were doing our Christmas show?
-Nuncrackers. -And I was the Sugar Plum Fairy.
And you got hurt.
And I had to take you to the hospital.
Oh, and the kids were so worried that the show wouldn't go on.
When you and Father Virgil came out
of the Sugar Plum Fairies to save the show.
Thought I'd die laughing!
(laughing)
Anyway, Anthony,
we're so glad you can play for the tryouts.
-It'll be a hoot. -Oh, hey, Anthony,
come on, I want to show you the song I picked out.
Come into the parlor.
Said the spider to the fly.
Oh, watch out, Brother Anthony.
She thinks she's Barbra Streisand.
But humility will prevent her from saying it.
(laughing)
(bells clanging)
Amnesia, what is all this?
I couldn't get Carol Burnett,
but I got the bells and whistles.
Do I get to host?
(whistle whizzing)
So, I used to do this song
kind of up-tempo, you know, like...
♪ I don't care if I'm ever rich or famous ♪
But--but I thought, for the show,
I could do it kind of sexy, you know?
I could lie on the piano like a chanteuse.
What do you think?
I don't know, I mean...
you're a nun.
Just because I can't take you for a ride
doesn't mean I can't show you the car.
(chuckling)
Just play--play some jazz chords.
Go, go, go.
♪
Oh.
♪
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ If I'm ever rich or famous ♪
♪ I just want to be a star ♪
♪
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ If you know what my name is ♪
It's Robert Anne.
♪ I just want to be a star ♪
Oh, I see where this is going.
♪ I want to be the nun who makes you cheer ♪
♪ The nun who's out in front instead of in the rear ♪
♪ For once I want to lead the band ♪
♪ And have the crowd in the palm of my hand ♪
♪ Oh, I don't care if I'm ever rich or famous ♪
♪ Just so I can be a star ♪
♪ Oh, when I began to sing ♪
♪ I was really green ♪
♪ I didn't know a chorus line from a chorus queen ♪
♪ I didn't realize that in a chorus line ♪
♪ You never get to strut your stuff ♪
♪ You never really shine ♪
♪ And I don't care if I'm ever rich or famous ♪
♪ I just want to be ♪
♪ The chorus line is not for me ♪
♪ I'm red hot to be a star ♪
♪ I don't need a mansion or a fancy car ♪
♪ I just want to be ♪
♪ A star ♪
♪ Whoa, yeah ♪♪
(laughing)
(cheering)
(trilling tongue)
(clapping)
♪
Hello, Leo.
Hey, Virgil!
(phone camera clicking)
You see him kiss that sister?
Hashtag FlirtingFriar.
Hashtag Detention.
That's Sister Leo's brother.
I'd like to welcome you to the first day
of our variety show tryouts.
We apologize that we can't be in the auditorium,
but unfortunately,
it's still being checked for mold
following the "Titanic" water disaster.
And now, I'd like to introduce our first contestant,
Jolene Shackleford.
Jolene is a former student here to support Mount Saint Helen's.
Go Volcanoes!
She is currently working as a shampoo girl
at the Hoboken Hair House.
Oh, I gotta be careful how I pronounce that, don't I?
I'd offer you a free blowout,
but there isn't really much to blow, is there?
Thanks, anyway.
What will you be singing, Jolene?
Oh, I can sing anything you want.
What music did you bring?
I didn't bring any music.
Don't you have music here?
Uh, Brother Anthony, maybe she could just sing scales?
I don't think I know that one.
Oh, no, it's, um...
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
Scales.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Scales ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Scales ♪
-♪ La-la-la-la-- ♪♪ -Very good, Jolene.
I think that's all we need for today.
Wow! I didn't think trying out would be this easy.
You're the best we've seen so far.
Thanks!
Who's number two?
All right. Brother Patrick?
Oh, I'm not ready.
I'm workin' on me character.
Okay.
Next we have Kateri Tooterhorn.
♪
♪ My country, 'tis of thee ♪
♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪
♪ Of thee I sing ♪♪
♪ Bring back my Bonnie to me ♪
♪ To me ♪♪
♪ Even our piano in the parlor ♪
♪ Daddy bought for ten cents on the dollar ♪♪
♪
(shrill operatic singing)
♪
♪ Our hands we fold, our heads we bow ♪
♪ For food and drink, we thank you now ♪
♪ Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost ♪
♪ Who eats the fastest gets the most ♪♪
I don't really want to sing.
All right, next...
we have our janitor, Joe Wilson.
♪
♪ I am the very model of a modern Major-General ♪
♪ I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral ♪
♪ I know the kings of England
and I quote the fights historical ♪
♪ From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical ♪
Who's a good boy?
♪
Sister Amnesia, what you doing out here?
We're waiting for somebody, but I can't tell you who.
-Why? -It's a secret.
Father Virgil has a lady friend coming over.
A lady friend!
Dios mío, what a scandal!
Oh, no. Promise me you won't tell anybody
I told you what I wasn't supposed to tell you
but accidentally told you anyway.
Okay!
Te lo prometo.
-What? -I promise.
Oh, okay.
Amnesia, what are you doing?
That's holy water.
He think he's a St. Bernard.
♪
♪ For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
has only been brought down to the beginning of the century ♪
♪ But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral ♪
♪ I am the very model of a modern Major-General ♪♪
(applause)
I did not see that coming.
That was great!
Oh, my God, it's Darlene Love!
Surprise.
Am I too late for the audition?
♪
♪ Turn up the spotlight ♪
♪ 'Cause when we got light ♪
♪ All that we can say ♪
♪ Is, "It really has been fun ♪
♪ Thank you each and everyone" ♪
♪
♪ By the way ♪
♪ God bless you each day ♪♪
♪
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