This is my first time doing this. I didn't do
it on public because I didn't know what was gonna happen, so I'm do this
privately and I'll post it if it's okay. For goodness sakes
I don't know what I just did. I'll try to hold very still, okay. I'm
right next to a fire here. Right next to the fireplace. I don't have a lot of light in here some
pretty dark other than this fire. I want to give us kind of cozy um fireside chat sort of feel because it is.
So it's kind of late'ish, late at night. So this season right now is my birthday
season which used to be a really happy time, but for a couple years now it's
also been kind of a sad time too because that means I'm coming up in the
university of like the last time I saw my son you know will always gonna coincide
with that cuz the last time that I saw him he come home for the 4th July
and my birthday. He came home on July 3rd and stayed till the 7th, and then left my son
was like 7th 2016, and then I talked to him on the night that it happened just a
couple hours before . The last words we said to each other were: I said
"be careful I love you" and he said " I love you too mom." Crazy.
So yeah, I've been thinking about my younger self you know like. It's funny how
time kind of collapses you know. Like you get to be middle-aged you know you have
adult kids, and even kids that even die you know all that.
And you know you remember yourself at their age it's not like when they were little
it I didn't even remember myself at their age I mean I totally...it doesn't even
seem that long ago, and strangely enough this year just because of social media
they've actually a couple people I've gotten in touch
with me, and they didn't even know me as a mom. I mean they knew me
before I had children so almost when I was almost that long ago so that's kind
of interesting it's kinda like a time capsule of you know I want him sent me
some pictures I'll put those up with the video but anyway so just you know kind a
lot of things are running through my mind like you know what would be the
things the things I would say to my younger self you know what what I wish I
knew or you know and of course that's a huge epic question it's like okay what
would I say to my younger self well would I you know what's the context
right what I know that it's my future self saying it to me so that I were like
would I be like my 25 year old self or 22 year old self hearing from my self
now knowing with the truth knew was gonna happen so I could change it or we
might not be able to change and I just you know like it might just we're just
be telling myself like relax pace yourself it's gonna be hard you
know when I say that or when I say don't you don't marry him don't we don't you
know I don't know obviously obviously I would if I could stop myself from and
making a couple critical decisions that I made back-to-back two decisions I made
back-to-back that were life-altering decisions that
I I can't imagine okay yeah that I can't imagine but what my life would have been
like had I not made the first always to move back move back home to Washington
leave leave Los Angeles I had just I was living down in Los Angeles and I just
been I just been like an agent had just discovered me well I like to have me
come in just screen tests and stuff I never even told anybody about that and I
I decided that relationships were what mattered to me and my grandmother just
bent down and she looked like she was getting so old and I didn't like miss
out on the last years with her and I had this missing memory from my childhood I
don't know what that was about I wanted to go back home and kind of piece
together my life I felt kind of disjointed disconnected from I couldn't
piece my life together my path together I wanted and I figured the legend sort
of mattered if I had this whole I have all my family and my childhood friends
everybody all up in one place all these people all the people that loved me in
one place why wouldn't I go up there and make my
life up there that was my logic at the time and so
that's what I did you know I I went up to Washington and then right away and it
was kind of prompted by my brother was getting my brother had become engaged to
a girl she was coming home for like a week for an engagement party and then
leaving forever she moved to Scotland to marry this woman and he was gonna move
there to Scotland and um so I'm thinking oh my parents are losing their son I
should go you know at least if I didn't if I'm
moving back that would make up for that you know like right now they have both
of us temporarily you know I'm going to California he was in Japan at the time
you know maybe hit that him saying he's permanently moving away maybe if I say
I'm moving back how to make up for that little did I know that
they were not gonna be unhappy with him moving to Scotland they were but they
were gonna been happy with my moving back they just they didn't care they
didn't want me moving back I had no idea I could never I wouldn't did not have
any idea that that would be the case so that was this is one and the decision to
have an almost simultaneous to back with it was vision one and that was um when I
got a call from my oldest friends older sister and I call him Griffin in my book
but his older sister who I call Maeve in my book invited me out with a group of
friends that I had a scrape of her friends I really wanna introduce you to
them there's a great group of women and you know though if you need a job or
place you know apartment or something they can really hooked you up but it's a
great group of women I really want you to meet him I think you fit in like
really great I was like oh thank god I just come through this rejection with my
mother and father and I was just like thank god this would this is wacky mom
this has never happened anywhere else this wouldn't happen in Los Angeles this
is where cuz I have old friends this is why I moved back here I went out I went
to meet this group of friends and it was a total setup there was nobody there but
my ex-husband he was the only guy there it was complete setup she'd done it all
for him arranged it all for him and for a split second alarm osmond off alarm
bell alarm bells I was really defend it at first I was like I was really bummed
out because she I'd really set it out like I was really flattered and excited
that she had called and invited me and then it was it was a scam and but I
quickly turned I quickly told myself but it was flattering that he'd go and all
this effort i mighta have to to go through to get her to do that and all
that and um and then also I told myself that because she set it up he must be a
really really it would be a really good guy you know that she's giving him just
her stamp of approval and I respected her opinion and
so you know I so if that was his number two and I you know I first and I wasn't
taking that seriously I didn't think it would really go anywhere so I was kind
of just kind of confessing with him like what was going on with me you know
emotionally with my family little did I know that I was like you
know telling this guy that was gonna complete sociopath I tend to be using it
all against me yeah I skip Effingham I'll guy yeah I
moved back up here and I don't remember my childhood and I'm having at least
weird like kind of flashbacks and my mother's acting so strange and you know
just whatever whatever and uh lo and behold they're all gonna come back to me
like ten years later he's gonna use it all you smell like it's me but um yeah
yeah whatsoever I'd shit what I've told my younger self well quick if I could
undo any of that I would definitely Warner hope they don't go back don't go
back don't and don't uh don't tell Mary that guy but aside from that I would I
would I would I would go a lot more and you trust me feel you need to trust how
you feel go with your feelings because I didn't at the time I didn't I didn't
listen to my feelings at all I I talked myself out of my feelings most of the
time and I told myself that I was too sensitive I told myself that I was you
know all the things that I'd been told you know I told myself that those are
those not reliable reliable feelings I can go I couldn't I couldn't just go
with what felt good all right it you know like if what she had done
felt bad to me or it felt wrong felt weird to me that he had lied to me I
didn't trust myself just go that doesn't feel right but it wasn't right it wasn't
right and it took me I forgot all about it for years not until the whole thing
blew up said Jackie later today even though these things even start to come
back to me that he was remember oh yeah our first date was a complete and total
lie our second jape he totally abandoned me
I had these stories on my channel you have to look at like my early dating
stories I tell those stories about what happened there were red flags all over
the place I totally ignore totally ignore the red flags so you know I would
I didn't I did not understand at all how I should be treated I had such low
standards for how I should be treated because you know just you know when you
I tell you when you have if you're a father of a daughter god don't
underestimate how important it is because you really are teaching your
little girl how how to be treated how she should how he deserves to be treated
and my father didn't teach me that I deserve to be treated with any kind of
tenderness or gentleness or or respect or anything you know he taught me that I
deserved to be neglected and should ignore my feelings indicator to someone
else's needs and that you know I just wasn't precious it wasn't important it
wasn't you know those would be the things I would tell my I would tell my
younger self I tell myself you are really special you're really special and
you haven't been loved well you don't know that you don't know that you
haven't been loved well but you haven't been loved well and you deserve to be
loved well you deserve to be loved unconditionally you deserve to know how
precious you are how wonderful you are how wonderful your big soft gentle heart
is and that it shouldn't be it shouldn't be taken advantage of or made fun of or
you know should be treated with utmost respect tender loving care
hmm and I'm sorry it wasn't you've been neglected I would tell her you've been
neglected you've really been neglected and you need to pay attention to it
don't go with what feels comfortable to you because what feels comfortable
familiar to you isn't going to be right it's not going to be right
you have to override override wet chemistry look what tells you that feels
right because it's not right it's just it's just familiar and if this doesn't
get through if I can't change the course of history then I'm just gonna say
pace yourself road really rough road but you can do it I wish I could make it
easier for you it's gonna be quite a journey but you'll be a wise woman one
day o wise wise women one day yeah and you know you're gonna live you're gonna
live and you know love fully and you're gonna have your heart broken but when
it's all over you will know you have lived and you'll have felt at all a full
range of everything
yeah I would I would you know if I if I had like me for a daughter I would
really try and change the way that I saw myself changed my value change what I
put up with gosh you know I really had imbalanced
relationships all around even with friends all around I had some good
people in my life too but I just I just didn't I just didn't expect enough of
anyone you know all right ended up putting up with a lot
of selfish people in my life you know I I was naturally drawn to them and they
were naturally drawn to me I asked so that's that I was raised I guess but
yeah he did a good job when I was probably you're a good good person
you've been a good person proud of you what person that you are
yeah it's hard up in vim overcome is this series of videos to trend up trying
to work on like um like post-traumatic groves and the things that come from
trauma here are the benefits that can come from it and you know kind of the
things that come from just you know like mistakes you know you guys I would I
would say to you is you know people a lot smarter than you will make much
Dumber mistakes than you've made so don't beat yourself up because it'll be
tempting because you'll have a lot of people blaming you because that's what
they do a lot of people in your life are blamers
you know so they'll blame you and you're gonna want to blame yourself because
you're gonna invest a lot of time this is if I can't change things so say
things just scare any other way they're gonna go things are just gonna go the
way they're gonna go that's a you're gonna invest a lot of time in people and
in things you're gonna give a hundred percent or things that are not going to
work out if you think that are going to completely blow up in your face and
people are going to take advantage of you and people are going to use you and
then blame you for things because it's they have to do because you're around a
lot of really sick people and
don't blame yourself you you learned from it you know you are you and you
were doing the right thing you went you went back to be with your family cuz
you're a family-oriented person you ambassador to be a devoted daughter and
granddaughter you got married you planning on being a devoted wife and
mother he completely you you did you did it
100% right you just didn't have boundaries
and you didn't have anyone no I had your back no one had your back you know my
husband wouldn't have been is abusive if I had a family on my side you know he
just knew he'd get away with it because it didn't have anyone protecting me and
my family was they just didn't they just didn't know me they just didn't know me
didn't they didn't know we didn't know what they have in me and so they just
they just didn't appreciate it and I bailed on me you know so nothing you
could do about any of that nothing you could you about any of that the only
thing the only thing that you did was take abuse for too long and so don't
spend a large time beating yourself up and abusing yourself then after it's
over because they're gonna kick you around really good and kick you around
they're gonna take everything from you that matters to you and you know lie
about you lie to themselves about you and you will have all the time just been
devoted you just been doing it just to get their approval and it's never gonna
come so you got give yourself your approval and you gotta understand the
you were up against an impossible impossible thing you said up just
something it seems so simple and seem so doable
she was so reasonable and I just wasn't you know when you made that decision you
said I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm not gonna go for this I'm not gonna try and be
trying to be as an actress I'm gonna try and do that that's way too lofty of the
goal I'm gonna scope go home and maybe a good daughter and a good sister
and a good you know whatever friend just be a good person that man I'll be the
hub of a family that seems very doable it should have been but in my case in
your case it probably was it will that was never possible it was more possible
for you to become a movie star for you to become an actress in Hollywood was
way more way more likely than the fact that you were ever gonna become you know
they were gonna have this happy family life with these people it was never
gonna happen but nobody could have told you that nobody could've told you that
nobody had showed you dad and of course nobody even tried to tell
you that and so it was already way too way too late here already really well
invested but because people don't think that way that's not a society a society
tells you that it's all doable your parents love you
society tells you that things like this don't happen but they do happen and
there's some reason why it happened to you and I believe that's because you are
strong enough to take it you have the skills to do something with it
maybe it's because you can write you can speak and whatever it needed to happen
to you so that you could do something with it to help people just read the
word about it to expose this kind of abuse to to do something to get to make
it so that the next generation has helped and I know that one of the things
was you thought you thought the ending the abuse in your family ending that
cycle of abuse in your family was was the goal and and it was and you did do
that it's just that
I didn't turn out the way you hoped because you didn't you also lost a child
but and that will obviously break your heart this person that is no special
person here in your world it's only gonna be here for our season you know
but yeah you are gonna have an epic life you can have an epic life and if say
you're 20 to 23 but I'm your life doubles you will not believe it you will
not believe the things that you've seen and John but if psychic once told me
even when I was looking who knows like like 20 20 22 that the best time of my
life was gonna be when I was like an old woman when I was like doing your
grandmother's music has to be the highlight of my life so I'm hoping that
that was right that sounds pretty good to me I think that would be pretty
awesome so so there a lot going on okay so coming up on birthday coming up
on that over three if losing Noah we're moving taking a trip down to Mexico next
week and then we're moving and so a lot going on lots lots going on that I'm
gonna still train keep Mike to make sure I get my videos posted and and keep keep
you guys in the loop and I don't know how to do actually do giveaways but I'm
gonna try and just I really want to do some giveaways please write comments
because I'm going to make sure you subscribed make sure you somehow leave
me some way to get in touch with you because I want to I have lots of things
to give away I want to get I want to give stuff away and I'm trying to boost
my channel too I need to really try and get my my channel going because at
several months where I really fell behind because I just didn't realize
what was going on with advertisements and stuff like that it's
like it's like an epic thing you're hearing these channels it's like you
have to be an expert in so many different things you know crazy so I
just didn't I just didn't realize what was going on I wasn't really running ads
and I didn't realize that I was like not getting seen by anybody and so it's
bubbling away way down in the feed so I need to get boosted back up I mean I
need lots of engagements for YouTube just start thinking that I my channel
doesn't suck cuz I mean she probably thinks my
channel 6 because nobody you know any any of you use or you know so I need
lots of likes and comments and shares and and watch time and that kind of
stuff so please if you like my channel please help me out with getting me some
engagement get me boosted back up so it so that YouTube gives me gives you some
love gives me some love and gets me gets me back going again alright you guys um
alright Sonia Simon I'm paying on this I'm doing this sort of series right now
where I'm talking about post-traumatic growth and and some things like that
about mistakes and beating yourself up and forgiving yourself with the things
you've done wrong and and what I wanted to say about that is my final parting
thing is that you know you can't beat yourself up for the mistakes because
mistakes really are what made you who you are you know
honestly we're not learning anything from the victories you know you learn
from the mistakes the mistakes are who made you who you are and and the
beautiful thing is that unless you're sick unless you're disordered you can
enter you can look inside and you can learn from your mistakes and you can
grow and make you bigger you know the very worst thing is when you're when
you're like these abusers and they can't even do that they just keep making
mistakes and they have to just ramrod them with their way through it without
learning a thing you know and this is just that's really just pathetic but you
don't have to do that you can learn you can learn and a lot of times what you
end up learning is that you're relatively limited and what you're able
to do about you know allowing for luck of the
draw who you know who you've got who you were born to I mean no but no I just say
like a jock that's not true I really believe there's a cash life so but
there's something you do about haven't you in agreement about how you pick who
you are born to who your parents are but once you're here you can't pay you
know three pressures who you are and there was nothing to be changing them
you know there was not going to be any changing of your parents so the only
place there was for any change was in you and the fact that you are even here
if you're watching this channel if you know any if you even know what I'm
talking about then that means that you have done a lot
of work and that means that you have not done the autopilot thing which is
because the people that are on autopilot are either back being abused like we
were or their abusers and so you're not either one of those things you're
heading in the right direction and that's not an easy road that's the
hardest road to take that's why it's the road less traveled that's the road less
traveled not saying yeah that will make all the difference right that makes all
the difference which roads pick but yeah those mistakes made you who you are and
it was an easy life and it wasn't an easy life but um but
it's the material for being a very compassionate person for being able or
wise person and it's material for being a creative artist for sure if you have
an art that you create this is a treasure trove of material that you'll
never it'll never run dry never run dry so my son he had you know he was a
musician and he just was like he had a lifetime's worth of songs just saying
you know and I'm hoping maybe he started seeing through me you know who teach me
how to play play guitar get me to sing his songs he'd be awesome anyway
I had lots of stuff planned for him and and what I want to do is pursuing some
stuff for him too so you know let's let's just going on wants to change
changes I was in the air change that was happening okay guys thanks so much for
your support for being here with me on my birthday week I stretch out for like
a week all right and take care thank you so much for for
being here for being supportive of me and my channel and all the things that
I'm doing and please comment write you know anything anything you would like to
talk about anything you'd like to anything just write in the comments let
me know I'm I'm open I'm free and I'm you know I'm the most looking for ways
to kind of shift the channel so that it's a little bit unique a little bit
different you know in whatever area you are needing you know what is it that you
come you come online looking for you're not finding you know maybe let me know
because maybe I can do it whatever that is so okay I will talk to y'all later
you
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