(electronic music)
- [Jay] The new year usually stresses me out.
I know that you can always turn over a new leaf,
or start with a clean slate, or whatever other metaphor you wanna use
at anytime during the year.
But something does seem momentous about the New Year.
It seems easier to start over then.
But then I get caught up.
I make a lot of goals, I set plans about what 2019 is going to be like.
Things that I wanna do during that time period.
And all of a sudden it's almost the end of January, and it feels like 2018.
If we're being honest, it still feels like 2017 sometimes.
So then I'm reminded that the New Year's already slipping through my fingers.
And I try to get to it.
I like cleaning.
It calms me down.
So I find myself doing that a lot when I start to get overwhelmed with the greatness that I need to reach in 2019.
I end up cleaning my apartment a lot.
And then when I feel like everything is okay, and clean, I can finally sit down and do what I need to do.
Which is write.
So far it hasn't been great.
Which is a bummer, because this happened all of 2018.
I didn't write anything, except maybe a few letters.
2017 was different.
I wrote a lot.
Pages upon pages, and a lot came out of that.
I felt very satisfied with what I did in 2017.
And then it was like I just... hit a block.
Nothing.
I think I wanted to blame 2018 on my usual tendency to get stuck in the past.
I'm a nostalgia King, you could say.
When I first moved to New York, all I could think about was Abilene, and the people I had left behind.
Or I guess, the people that felt really distant then.
But I'm not sure I actually did that last year.
2018 was actually pretty great.
Living in the present has never been so attractive to me.
But the need to present is still there.
To make a difference, to create something that is good, lasting.
To read more, and watch better movies.
To improve my craft.
I get sucked into other people's videos, and I feel like I'm in this black hole.
Some of them help.
Some of them make me feel like I'm not 25, and that I'm 80 years old,
and I haven't done anything with my life, and nothing will become of my life, so I have to stop.
And I watch something like this instead.
And then there's panic.
And then it's back to my list.
What are you supposed to do in 2019, remember?
Your goals?
Take more pictures.
I've been doing that.
Some are good.
Some are uh... not so great.
But I'm working on it.
To write more letters, to eat healthier, to work harder.
I've been going to the gym.
It's uh... it's the gym.
But then that makes me think about my body.
And then I think about how I in my body.
And that's never been so pressing on my mind as it is right now.
But that's something for later, cause that's a bigger box to open.
So I spend a lot of time thinking about all that, and then my chest gets tight, and I feel like I've done nothing my entire life,
and I freeze.
And then I start cleaning again.
And it cycles.
So I made this video cause I'm not sure how to handle it all sometimes.
But as I was making this, I started to spiral in a different way.
Because why does this even matter?
How little of a problem is this?
How can I complain about achieving some goals when I have a roof over my head, and people are dying?
And suddenly I feel so small, so tiny.
So helpless
And I'm not really sure where to go from here.
And I'm not really sure this does have a point.
I have no control over the world as a whole.
And I'm glad I don't, I wouldn't be good at managing it.
I have no control over 2019.
No matter what I say or the plans I make, this year itself cannot be moved.
The people around me cannot be moved.
But I can move myself.
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