- Hey, thank you.
Welcome.
As Mort told you, my name is Rick Podell.
Many of you may know my parents, Dave and Loretta Podell.
(audience laughs)
We were on the TV show together, Bowling for Food Stamps.
(audience laughs)
I'm happy to be here, a little bit depressed actually.
I must admit it.
Well, I just broke up with my girlfriend two years ago.
(audience laughs)
You know why we broke up?
We broke up because she used to always
throw out quotes in that magazine, Family Circle.
You know that one?
Where some housewife explains how
she makes a can of tuna last for the summer.
(audience laughs)
Or, seven ways to convert your bathroom
into a breakfast nook.
Cosmopolitan always has those articles.
How to have an affair with your doctor
without him knowing it.
(audience giggles)
So, we broke up.
Music was real important to our relationship.
Our favorite group was The Four Seasons.
Remember that group?
Who always sound like their undershorts
are being pulled very tightly from behind.
(audience giggles)
Great lyrics you could really identify with too.
Walk like a man, talk like a man.
(audience laughs)
Great, I'd love to see The Four Seasons
at home with their families.
Honey, what's for dinner?
Where are the kids?
(audience laughs)
Remember the first date you went on?
That was probably the most excruciating
experience of your life.
Do you remember the first date you went on?
No, Rick, we don't remember anything as an audience.
Okay, just don't bother us.
Don't involve us, okay. (audience laughs)
We're under tremendous pressure.
Don't talk to us.
We've had a rough day.
We gotta get on the freeway.
Please don't involve us in your act.
(audience applauds)
First date I went on, I was so nervous.
Sixteen years old, I'd just gotten my driver's license.
So my car insurance was, I think, $3,800 every 15 minutes.
(audience laughs)
Had a two-toned car, green on one side, red on the other
for conflicting eyewitness reports.
(audience laughs)
I was so scared I drank about
four bottles of English Leather.
(audience laughs)
Guys remember this on a date.
If you ever had a pimple on your face,
you put a BAND-AID over it.
Remember that?
Tell the girl you cut yourself shaving.
That worked till you got one on your forehead.
(audience laughs)
Going to the pick up the girl,
her father comes to the door,
looks like a side of beef with teeth.
(audience laughs)
Hi, come on in, sex fiend.
(audience laughs)
And the mother's standing behind him
in a pink Chiffon negligee with a parakeet on a leash.
Hello. (audience laughs)
Have you and my daughter done anything
you should be ashamed of?
No, how about you and the bird?
(audience laughs)
Just as you're getting ready to the leave the house,
the father would always do this.
(clears throat) Where are you two kids going tonight?
Sir, we'll be at the Holiday Inn, room 328.
Give us a call. (audience laughs)
My parents used to take us to dinner a lot,
and my dad was a big influence on me.
He's a tough guy, tough.
He smokes in bed face down.
(audience laughs)
Dad, your face is on fire.
No wonder I can't get to sleep.
(audience laughs)
I went away to college.
Every Sunday my parents would call,
and they talked to me for 20 minutes,
and then my mother would say, "Wait, don't hang up.
"Your father has to talk to you."
Hi, dad, how you doing?
Fine, here's your mother.
(audience laughs)
My dad was a traveling salesman.
Used to have to go to the airport
all the time to pick him up.
You know something?
Nobody listens in airports.
You can say anything.
Flight 18 to Miami has no engine and the crew is drunk.
Now ready for boarding,
and people walk on to the plane.
Here we go. (audience laughs)
There's so much hijacking and terrorism too.
They're sending in the wrong negotiators.
They should send in Monty Hall.
Look, you got 50 hostages.
You wanna keep what you have or go for
what Jay Stewart's holding in the little box?
(audience laughs)
Yasser Arafat, come on down.
(audience laughs)
It's important too for my parents and us
to have dinner together.
The family always had a meal together
every evening at six o'clock, and we all had chores.
I made a salad.
My dad burped and read the paper.
(audience laughs)
Mom was a great cook.
Used to put Lemon Pledge on the meat to give it a shine.
(audience laughs)
Hey, we had a dog who sat up and begged not to eat.
(audience laughs)
Every Saturday night we got dragged to
a Chinese Jewish takeout restaurant called Sum Dum Goi.
(audience laughs)
Run by a guy named Wing Tipshoes.
(audience laughs)
My mother was always on a diet too,
one of the realistic dieters.
I gotta lose 100 pounds an hour.
Can you help me?
(audience laughs)
Then we go to an Italian restaurant.
She orders lasagna and a Tab to drink.
(audience laughs)
My mother also (laughs), she gave me a book,
an interesting book, "How to Pick Up Girls."
You read this book?
Written by Harry Reasoner.
(audience laughs)
Inside the book it's great.
It says most guys think you have to be
rich and attractive to get a woman,
and then it says not true.
Sure, we all know girls are secretly
looking for poor unattractive men, right?
Look, Sylvia, there's a guy with a pimple and no cash.
Let's talk to him. (audience laughs)
Hey, listen, you've been great.
Thank you very much.
I've enjoyed it. (audience applauds)
Thank you.
(audience whistles)
Thank you.
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