Chủ Nhật, 25 tháng 6, 2017

Youtube daily but Jun 25 2017

We had codenamed the project "Steven". The purpose of Steven was to create an Artificial

Intelligence, or AI, which acted, talked, and even thought just like a human. We didn't

want him to be perfect, which is what most AI are. We wanted Steven to make mistakes,

lie, and cheat for the purpose of self-preservation just like any human would. It was a huge project,

which became apparent when we discovered that the computer which we were trying to run Steven

on couldn't handle his program.

I'm Darren Marlar… and this is Weird Darkness.

Welcome Weirdos – this is "Weird Darkness". Here you will find ghost stories, unsolved

mysteries, and other stories of the strange and bizarre. I'm always looking for new

stories. Terrifying true experiences, original dark tales of fiction, unsolved mysteries,

paranormal stories, alien encounters, even creepypastas you'd like to hear narrated.

Share them all at WeirdDarkness.com!

Today's Marlar House winner is Derek Downing of Gloversville, New York. He receives a free

copy of this episode's featured audiobook, "Bed Bugs" by Jason R. Davis. If you would

like to register to win, simply subscribe to my YouTube channel then sign up for my

newsletter, "The Marlar Sheet" if you've not already done so. Then you'll automatically

be entered into each episode's random drawing. Sign up for The Marlar Sheet free now at WeirdDarkness.com.

Music in this episode is provided by Shadow's Symphony: You can find them online at Facebook.com/ShadowsSymphony.

In this episode…

Would you be interested in being a full-time nanny in Scotland for $60,000? One family

is looking for that perfect candidate… but you might want to look a bit more carefully

at the job description.

Almost exactly 26 years ago, a sudden mudslide swept away large portions of Antofagasta,

Chile. More than 100 people died in the disaster… but their voices have not been silenced.

Be careful if you buy a doll from a garage or estate sale – you might be bringing home

more than you expected.

A mother and her autistic son experience what might best be described as, a guardian angel.

About 200 years ago, seventeen concealed miniature coffins were discovered in a cave in Edinburgh's

Arthur's Seat, Scotland. No-one knows who put the tiny coffins there and why.

I'll share a creepypasta with you that has some unusual twists called "Artificial".

Plus, at the end of the show, the latest paranormal news from writer and researcher, Kirsten Weiss!

Now.. sit back, turn down the lights, and come with me into the Weird Darkness!

A family in Scotland is offering to pay more than $60,000 to a full-time housekeeper -- on

the condition he or she doesn't mind living with ghosts.

The family posted an ad for a live-in nanny on Childcare.co.uk. The post states the couple

have two children, aged 5 and 7, and live in a "lovely, spacious, historic property

in a remote spot with spectacular views." The job description is what you would typically

expect: "preparing breakfast, getting the children ready for school, dropping off and

picking up from school and assisting after school, including helping with homework and

getting them ready for bed." Because both parents are required to travel for work regularly,

the prospective nanny would be alone in the house with the children up to four nights

per week. In addition to a $63,000 salary and 28 vacation

days, the family is offering qualified individuals a "comfortable room with en-suite bathroom

and private kitchen." But there is something of a catch. Toward

the bottom of the job listing, it is revealed that the family's house, which they have lived

in for nearly 10 years, is said to be inhabited by ghosts.

"We were told it was 'haunted' when we bought it, but kept our minds open and decided to

buy the house regardless," the mother wrote. It seems like a small issue until you consider

that they have yet to find a nanny brave enough to stick around for more than a few months.

"Five nannies have left the role in the last year, each citing supernatural incidents as

the reason, including strange noises, broken glass and furniture moving," the post says.

"This has obviously been a period of great upheaval for our children. We haven't personally

experienced any supernatural happenings, as they have been reported only while we've been

out of the house, but we're happy to pay above the asking rate, and feel it's important to

be as up-front as possible to find the right person."

The ad got an overwhelming number of responses. In an update, the mother wrote that they have

received more than 2,000 responses, including messages support and applications for the

job. Speaking to The Telegraph, Childcare.co.uk

CEO Richard Conway described the family's plight as "the most interesting story we've

heard." "When we saw the advert we were stunned,"

Conway said. "Some of the guys at HQ were skeptical but after talking to the family

and their previous employees we realized it was a genuine position."

He added: "The family has assured us that no harm has come to anyone living in the house,

however the nanny will have to have a strong disposition."

On June 18, 1991, almost exactly 26 years ago, a sudden mudslide swept away large portions

of Antofagasta, Chile. More than 100 people died in the disaster, while thousands more

were left homeless. And according to a local paper, victims of the disaster continue to

haunt Antofagasta and neighboring villages. In 2005, the newspaper Las Ultimas Noticias

of Santiago de Chile reported that residents of Villa Los Salares, a village near Antofagasta

that was home to half of the landslide's victims, still hear screams and sobs in the

night. There are also tales of a ghost boy, a child in white who wanders the village and

passes through solid objects. "A few weeks ago, I saw a little boy dressed

in white, about four years old," a man named Luis told the paper. "He passed right through

the gate without any effort. My oldest son also saw it. He told me that he felt chills,

and, when he went to the window, the little boy was staring at him."

Other eerie events in the village include levitating glasses, disembodied sobs, and

floating apparitions. And while the 1991 mudslide was by far the most deadliest, other mudslides

have claimed lives in Antofagasta since then.

"I heard this story from a friend of mine. She got this doll from a yard sale a couple

of years ago. At first, everything seemed fine. The doll didn't move, or speak, or

do anything. About a month later, she noticed the doll had moved. At first, it only moved

a couple of inches. Then, slowly, it started showing up around the house. Things would

disappear, and the family would find items next to the doll.

One time, as my friend was doing her homework, she heard a door slam on the third floor.

She was home alone and found the doll in the bathroom where the door had slammed shut.

Things then took a violent turn. One morning, she woke up with three long scratches down

her back. When I went over to her house, I felt a heavy

presence. When I was about to leave, I felt a warmth on my back and soon discovered a

fresh scratch about 5 cm across. My friend had no pets, so it couldn't have been that.

The scratch stretched from my shoulder blade to my lower back.

Another time, my friend was almost hit in the head with a glass that flew out of the

cabinet. After that, enough was enough. She sold the doll on eBay and made $20. The events

stopped, but she stayed with me for a few nights."

My youngest son has autism and attends a school that specializes in a wide range of differing

abilities. I had attended his progress meeting and as it finished close to to the end of

the school day had decided to take him out the 20 or so minutes early, walk into the

nearby town and treat him to dinner as he had gotten an excellent review.

The school is set back from quite a busy road and so obviously there is a crossing available

for safety and I always use it as there is traffic coming in both directions and is always

busy and fast moving. I also encourage my son to use it as due to

his differing perceptions he doesn't comprehend dangerous situations and I'm constantly drilling

road safety into him, using the crossing, looking both ways etc.

Anyway, we pressed the button to stop the traffic, as I always do I was holding his

hand and coaching him, " what do we wait for?" " the green man!" "yeah! Thats right we do!"

Cue the green man, it flashes up and a loud beeping sound let's us know we are safe to

walk across. As we are crossing the second half of the

road, I look to my left to see a car coming towards us faster than it should be, it's

not stopping for the lights, my son is on my left side, it's going to hit him. I can

feel panic rising in my chest, I can't breathe, there is not a thing I can do, too late to

run and no way to go to either side to avoid it.

Then suddenly out of nowhere I feel a breeze lift my hair and suddenly I feel totally calm,

almost protected (yes I know how strange that sounds!) , I really can't explain it because

seconds before my heart was pounding I was terrified and convinced we were going to be

mown down. But no, the car stops just before hit hits

my legs, wait, my legs? Where is my son?! I look to my right and there he is, looking

up at me and smiling! I don't remember moving him to that side at all!

I'm having a "what just happened moment" when my attention is drawn to the driver who is

leaning out of his window yelling at me and asking if I "bleeping" know how to cross a

"bleeping" road as I'm obviously "bleeping" sight impaired (quite a charming individual).

Usually by now I would have been trying to hold my temper and not respond negatively

due to my son being present, but I still felt really calm, I just pointed up to the green

man still shining brightly and said " why yes, I do!"

The driver looks up, turns pale and then quickly drives around us and speeds off!

I quickly steer my son to the other side of the road and people from other vehicles surround

us checking we are ok and others try and remember the license plate number but everyone was

in shock at what they had just witnessed. Suddenly my feeling of calm disappears and

my legs turn to jelly, everyone around us is telling us we are lucky to be alive, they

thought we were going to be killed, and I have to admit I'm not sure how we are stood

there unharmed! An older gentleman pats me on the shoulder

and says "well young lady, someone was watching over you today!"

Later on I started thinking about it, could he have been right? Was someone, some thing,

watching over us? I remembered the sudden feeling of total calm and protection that

came over me, the fact my son was suddenly on my right when I know he was on my left

side initially and I have no recollection of him moving, or moving him myself, did I

just do it instinctively and not realize? I'm not sure, it happened so quickly but it

seemed at the time that everything was in slow motion.

Was it just luck? A guardian angel perhaps? Have you had an angel experience? Share your

story at WeirdDarkness.com!

"17 Mysterious Miniature Coffins In Scotland Remain An Unsolved Enigma"

About 200 years ago, seventeen concealed miniature coffins were discovered in a cave in Edinburgh's

Arthur's Seat, Scotland. No-one knows who put the tiny coffins there and why.  It's

a most curios find that to this day remain an unsolved enigma.

It all started in June 1836, when three Scottish boys who were out hunting rabbits discovered

a small cave in the rock, hidden behind three pointed slabs of slate. Concealed within were

17 miniature coffins. According to Charles Fort, (1874-1932), an

American writer and researcher who specialized in anomalous phenomena the coffins were only

"three or four inches long. In the coffins were miniature wooden figures.

They were dressed differently in both style and material. There were two tiers of eight

coffins each, and a third one begun, with one coffin.

The coffins had been deposited singly, in the little cave, and at intervals of many

years. In the first tier, the coffins were quite decayed, and the wrappings had moldered

away. In the second tier, the effects of age had not advanced so far. And the top coffin

was quite recent looking." On July 16,1836, the Scotsman reported several

of the figures were either badly damaged or lost altogether as the decrepit-looking cache

provided convenient fodder for the boys to pelt one another with. Fortunately, some of

the coffins were still intact and they were sold to a Robert Frazier, a South Andrews

Street jeweler and private collector where they remained until being donated to the National

Museum of Scotland in 1901. Only eight figures, in varying states of decay, survive.

The human effigies were all dressed in different garments. Obviously, they must have been created

to represent different individuals. According to the Scotsman, the figures "were

dressed from head to foot in cotton clothes, and decently laid out with a mimic representation

of all the funereal trappings which usually form the last habiliments of the dead."

Ever since the coffins discovered, experts and laymen alike have put forward a number

of interesting and sometimes even incredible theories that attempt to explain who placed

the artifacts in the cave and why. Scotland has long been a country where many

people were and some still are superstitious. Satanic spell-manufactory!' cried The Scotsman,

the first paper to report the tale, in an article published on 16 July 1836:

"Our own opinion would be – had we not some years ago abjured witchcraft and demonology

– that there are still some of the weird sisters hovering about Mushat's Cairn [sic]

or the Windy Gowl, who retain their ancient power to work the spells of death by entombing

the likenesses of those they wish to destroy." Later different theories were presented. Some

attempted to explain the existence of the coffins as a result of witchcraft while others

suggested that they were perhaps kept by sailors to ward off death.

Another widely held belief is that each of the figures were designed to commemorate the

victims of the infamous serial killers Burke and Hare. The murderous duo had ended the

lives of precisely seventeen Edinburgh citizens less than a decade prior to the boys' discovery

on Arthur's Seat. According to the National Museum of Scotland

"the figures all appear to be made by the same hand, although it's possible the coffins

were crafted by two different people. Some of the materials and tools used – wood,

iron embellishments, nails, a sharp, hooked knife – indicate the coffins could have

been fashioned by a shoemaker. The figures seem to form a set, and their

upright bearing, flat feet and swinging arms suggest they may have been toy soldiers. Their

eyes are open, making it unlikely they were originally designed as corpses.

Some of the figures are missing their arms – perhaps removed so that they would fit

in the coffins. The fabric the little bodies are dressed in

dates from the early 1830s, so they hadn't lain buried for more than six years."

Today, the remaining eight coffins and their contents are on display to the public at the

National Museum of Scotland on Chambers Street.

Keep listening – this week's paranormal news is on the way with stories about a haunted

house home theater and the summer solstice, and up next a cyber-creepypasta called "Artificial".

This episode of Weird Darkness is brought to you by the audio book…

"Bed Bugs" by Jason R. Davis, narrated by Darren Marlar.

When Mike left his latest trucking student at the terminal, he knew that Dave was not

truly gone. The smell would take a lot longer to get out of his cabin. What Mike didn't

know though, is that the odor wasn't the only thing Dave left behind. Something creepy,

and deadly is still crawling in the truck cabin. And I'm not talking bed bugs.

"Bed Bugs" by Jason R. Davis. Hear a free sample and support Marlar House by downloading

the audiobook for yourself at WeirdDarkness.com.

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I didn't stop running. I suppose I could have, if I wanted to, but the thought of what

would happen to me if I stood still for any more than a second frightened me to death.

My breaths grew louder and louder as I ran down the dull gray hallway which I had casually

walked through so many times before. My head spun as I turned the corner and collided with

Dr. Jane Prescott, my co-worker. "Jennifer!" Dr. Prescott exclaimed as

the stack of papers she had been carrying dumped out of her hands and spilled all over

the hallway floor. She adjusted the thick black glasses which had been knocked loose

from in the impact and asked, "Jennifer, what's wrong?"

"I'm so…so sorry," I panted heavily as Dr. Prescott held me by both of my shoulders.

I knelt down to help Dr. Prescott pick up her papers, but she tightened her grip on

my arms and lifted me back up. "Don't worry about the papers, dear," she said

with her soothing southern accent. "That's all just some dumb Pioneer mumbo jumbo. What

I want to know is why you're running through the labs with such energy."

I opened my mouth to answer her before I realized that I had absolutely no clue why I was running.

The last thing I remembered, I was sitting in the break lounge, drinking a cup of iced

tea and watching the news on the tiny television that Pioneer Electronics provided its employees

with. The next thing I knew, I had a strong sense of déjà vu coupled with the horrible

feeling that my life was about to end very suddenly. For whatever reason, running seemed

to help. "I guess I was just having a panic attack,"

I answered, putting on a fake smile. "How long has it been since you've had

a panic attack?" Dr. Prescott asked with concern in her voice.

"Not since my sophomore year of High School," I told her.

"Are you going to be okay?" "Oh, yeah," I assured her. "I…I think

I'll be fine now. I just…you know. I'm okay."

"Well, that's good. Just remember dear, if you feel sick at all, just let me know

and you'll be on your way home. I'll call a taxi and everything."

"Jane, I'm fine," I repeated, realizing too late that the only times I called Dr.

Prescott "Jane" were when I was nervous. I hoped that she hadn't picked up on that

painfully obvious tell of mine. "Well, if you're sure that you'll be

able to keep going today, then I have some good news for you. Cliff just sent me a message,

and the power issue is fixed. Steven is ready to go online!"

"Oh…oh yeah!" I shook my head and remembered what I had been working on before I went to

the break room. I had spent the last two years developing an advanced Artificial Intelligence

unit with Dr. Prescott, the woman who had been my boss up until the point when she promoted

me to co-manager, and Ian Bell, my intern. We had codenamed the project "Steven".

The purpose of Steven was to create an Artificial Intelligence, or AI, which acted, talked,

and even thought just like a human. We didn't want him to be perfect, which is what most

AI are. Especially those AI made at Pioneer Electronics. We wanted Steven to make mistakes,

lie, and cheat for the purpose of self-preservation just like any human would. It was a huge project,

which became apparent when we discovered that the computer which we were trying to run Steven

on couldn't handle his program. One trip down to Clifford Hanks to ask him to work

his maintenance magic, and the problem was fixed within an hour.

Wow, an hour? I thought, checking my watch. Is that really all it's been? It feels like

I went down to him yesterday. "Well? Are you going to go, or what, dear?"

Dr. Prescott interrogated me. "Yeah…yeah, of course!" I grinned, turning

my attention back to the situation at hand. "Why don't you go and find Ian and you

two can sit in the observation room while I boot up Steven?"

"You bet, dear," she said. As I bent back down to pick up the papers again, she shooed

me away. "Go on! I already told you, I'll take care of this."

I nodded excitedly, turned around, and headed back in the direction that I was running from.

After two years of working with the brightest programmer I've ever met, I was finally

going to meet our fantastic creation. While I knew I was supposed to be happy about this

big moment, I still had a horrible sense of fear in the pit of my stomach.

I turned and entered the door to the tiny lab, which had been left wide open. I walked

over to the computer to the right of the door and turned on the enormous monitor. As I waited

for it to boot up, I wandered over to the opposite side of the lab and looked through

the window to the observation room. Dr. Prescott and Ian were just getting settled in. I flashed

them an enthusiastic thumbs-up before grabbing the rolling chair, which had somehow wound

up on the same side of the lab as the window to the observation room, and guiding it back

to the computer monitor. I sat down on the blue cushion and rolled as close to the keyboard

as I could get without breaking my ribs before finally flipping the switch on the Pioneer

memory box. The monitor went dark for a moment, but after

about five seconds, a bright blue light lit up the entire lab. I waited with bated breath

for a face to form in the light, but, unfortunately, it didn't come.

"Dr. Lane, we don't think it's working," Ian's shaky voice whispered in my ear, making

me jump. I had forgotten that I was wearing an earpiece.

"I…I know," I said, disappointed. "Ian and I are going to go and—" Dr.

Prescott started to say, but she was interrupted by a low hum emanating from the computer's

speakers. "H—hello?" I asked, feeling a little

silly that I was talking to what could still be an inanimate object.

To my delight, the hum rose to form the slow but audible word, "H…e…l…l…o…"

"Steven?" "Y…e…s… yes…this…this is Steven.

Can you hear me J…e…nnifer?" "You keep slowing down every now and then,

but yeah, I can hear you." "How did you know my name?" Steven's

smooth, calm voice asked me. "I was about to ask you the same question,"

I commented with the same tone of voice. My excitement of hearing Steven's voice was

hampered the moment I heard him say my name. I had not programmed him to know my name,

and my name hadn't been spoken since I started him up. At least, not into any microphone

that Steven could hear through. And, according to the first rule of Pioneer Artificial Intelligence

units, as soon as any AI becomes too self-conscious, it needs to be deleted. A self-conscious AI

could cause serious damage to a company. Then, Steven said something that reinforced

my thoughts. "I know your name because I programmed you. But there's no reason for

you to know my name." "Actually, Steven, I programmed you,"

I corrected him. "No, that's not p…o…s…sible,"

Steven said as his voice dipped down again. "I've spent years working on you. There's

no chance that I was just created." "I actually gave you all of your memories,"

I explained. "You remember when you were three, and you fell off of a lawn chair and

got that scar on your cheek? I programmed you to think that."

Steven didn't answer for a while, but when he finally did, he said, "Jennifer, I'll

be right back." As he said this, the blue computer monitor dimmed a little bit.

"Jennifer?" Ian broke the silence. "Could you come back here please?"

"Yeah," I said without turning my head. I stood up and exited the lab. I opened the

first door on the right side of the hallway to find Dr. Prescott and Ian sitting on two

of the four chairs in the observation room. "Dr. Lane, we need to talk about what just

happened," Ian said calmly as Dr. Prescott gestured for me to sit in a chair next to

them. "What was that, dear?" Dr. Prescott asked

as I perched myself gingerly on the orange plastic chair across from her.

"I honestly don't know," I responded. "I wanted Steven to think like a human,

not think he was one." "And he thinks he programmed you," Ian

added. "You didn't do that, did you?" "No, I didn't. I gave him all of his memories,

but I'm sure there was no memory of programming me."

Dr. Prescott spoke up. "We have quite the dilemma here, don't we?"

"What do you mean?" Ian asked. "Well, think about it, dear. Steven thinks

he's a human. We think we're humans. Steven thinks he programmed us. We think we programmed

him. In fact, right now, Steven's probably having this same conversation with some of

his coworkers." "I didn't program any personalities except

for Steven," I said. "But you gave him memories of friends, a

job, and a family, didn't you? And you made it so that he would continue to make his own

artificial memories after creation, so he wouldn't even know that his real life just

started a couple of minutes ago. You did that, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I did." I grabbed the corners of my pale white lab coat and began flapping

them nervously. "What are you getting at here, Jane?"

"Think philosophically, dears." Dr. Prescott stood up and approached the large window which

covered a majority of the wall to the right of the entrance. The blue computer screen

flickered, as if it knew we were watching it.

"Could someone please spell it out for me?" Ian asked, breaking the silent tension which

had just filled the room. Dr. Prescott turned back towards us and pushed

her thick glasses up her aged nose. "All I'm saying is that it's possible that

we don't exist." "Okay, that doesn't make any sense,"

I scoffed, standing up. "I exist, okay?" "If I didn't exist, how could I be thinking

right now?" Ian asked, nearly knocking over his orange chair as he stood up as well.

"It's just a thought," Dr. Prescott said defensively. She sat back down, and Ian

and I automatically lowered ourselves into our seats too.

I closed my eyes and basked in the silence. What is going on? I wondered. How is it possible

that I don't exist? Although, Dr. Prescott usually knows what she's talking about.

But still…I know that I'm real. What did that guy with the girly name say? 'I think,

therefore I am'. Just knowing that I can question my existence ensures that I exist.

Right? "Alright, let me talk to him again," I

sighed, feeling a little bad for upsetting Dr. Prescott. "I'll see what I think.

If I can't figure out what's going on here, I'll have no choice but to bring him

offline." Dr. Prescott and Ian nodded simultaneously

in understanding before I stood up and exited the observation room. As I entered the lab,

the blue computer monitor grew brighter. "Jennifer?" Steven's voice called from

the screen. I sat down in the chair and noticed the faint outline of a man sitting in the

blue light. "I'm here, Steven," I said. "Can we

talk a little more?" "Funny, I was about to ask you the same

question." "Do you have any family?" I asked, remembering

the family that I had programmed for him. "I have a wife," Steven replied. "Her

name is Melinda." "What about kids?"

"Two. They're both girls." "What are their names?"

"Madison is the older one. She's thirteen. Lillian's eight. Would you like to see pictures

of them?" "I'd love to," I smiled. The more we

talked, the more apparent Steven's silhouette on the screen became. I realized that I was

holding the corners of my lab coat again, and I released them quickly. I knew that Steven

was feeling the same awkward tension that I was, which comforted me a little.

The figure reappeared on the screen. By now, the blue light had faded enough for me to

see Steven's eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. I could even make out some blinking lights

on the wall behind him. "Here, this is my wife," Steven smiled,

holding a framed picture up to the camera. In it, I saw a man and a woman. The man was

Steven, but he looked much, much younger in the photograph than he did on my screen. The

woman next to him, Melinda, had long, wavy, brunette hair, a pair of big eyes, and a smile

that stretched from ear to ear. I remembered creating that picture.

"And these are my children," he said, taking the picture of his wife away from the

screen and instead holding up one of two girls sitting in a pumpkin patch. "Maddy and Lil

mean the world to me," he added quietly. "They're beautiful," I told him, wiping

a tear from my eye. "Are you married, Jennifer?"

"Yeah, I just got married," I said. "A year ago today."

"What's his name?" "Jeff Lane."

"Do you have any pictures?" I already had the picture of Jeff in my hand.

Holding it up to the screen, I noticed Steven's hazel eyes light up as he saw my husband's

picture. It didn't take a genius to know that he had seen it before. I took the frame

away from the camera and set it back down below the monitor.

Steven and I spent an hour talking about our families, friends, and jobs. Neither one of

us mentioned AI again. It was like talking to a real human. Well, mission accomplished,

I thought as I walked home that night. I wanted an AI that would think just like a human,

and I got one. The next day, at work, I found Ian before

I found Dr. Prescott. I was glad that I got a chance to talk to him, because he had left

the day before without talking to me. "Ian," I said, grabbing his shoulder as

he passed by me. "Could I have a word with you?"

"Yeah, sure," he said with the same surprised look that he always had in his eyes. He followed

me to the break lounge where we both sat on the faded red couch that faced the vending

machines. "Ian, how late did you stay last night?"

I asked. "I was here until you said goodnight to

Steven," Ian answered. "I left while you were staring at the blank computer screen.

"Oh…right…" I cleared my throat and continued, "So you remember the entire conversation

that we had with each other?" "Yeah."

"What did you think?" Even though I didn't clarify what I meant,

Ian already knew. "I think that he's going to have to go."

"That's what I was afraid of," I sighed, looking up at the dark television screen.

I wanted to give Steven one more chance for me to convince him that he wasn't real,

but if things didn't go well, I'd have to delete the program from the Pioneer memory

box. It wouldn't be a total loss; I backed up all of the codes on Dr. Prescott's computer.

If I had to delete Steven, then we'd just go back to the code and figure out what went

wrong. Ian went to find Dr. Prescott while I booted

up Steven's program. It only took a couple of seconds for the screen to turn blue. As

the blue screen faded away, I saw Steven sitting in the chair on the computer monitor. He squinted

at the camera and asked, "Jennifer, are you there?"

"I'm here, Steven," I said. "Is something wrong?" he inquired.

"No, why?" "You sound sad."

"Well, there's a lot going on today." "You and I have a lot in common, Jennifer."

"Are you busy too?" "Not really, but I am sad."

"I have the strange feeling that we're both sad for the same reason," I said. "Am

I right, Steven?" Steven was quiet for a moment, but then he

said, "Jennifer, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but there are protocols here

that need to be followed." "Yup, that's what I thought," I said,

barely opening my mouth. "We didn't get to talk about this much yesterday, Steven,

but you're an Artificial Intelligence, and you think that you're a human."

"Actually, Jennifer, you're the AI. And just the fact that you think you programmed

me says that you could do permanent damage to this computer."

"Well, at least we both have the same feelings about this," I whispered. "The question

is, which of us is the real human?" "Actually, I had a chance to think about

that." Steven leaned forward in his chair. "An AI has to have access to a computer's

hard drive to run properly. The real AI would use his or her own computer as a means of

controlling the real person's computer." "Right," I nodded slowly. "So no matter

which of us deletes the other, the real AI will be deleted and the real person will be

okay." "That's right."

Steven and I looked into each other's eyes for a short time before I asked him, "How

sure are you that you are a human?" He looked taken aback. "Well," he said,

"Up until yesterday, when I met you, 100%. Now, I'm a little iffy."

I groaned. I was in the exact same boat. "It would be nice if we could stay friends,"

I told Steven. He nodded. "It would. We have a lot in common.

However, protocols are clear. We could both get fired for leaving the other here."

"Dying won't be bad," I declared confidently. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that, at least if you're the AI, you won't even know that you died. I programmed

you to record your entire life. When you die, you'll relive your life over and over again."

Steven grimaced and nodded. "I did the same for you," he said. "You won't relive

the entire life you remember; just your real life. From the moment you were first activated

by me. And you won't remember that all of this already happened. You won't even know

that you died." I nodded my head and noticed that my eyes

were starting to water. I buried my hand inside the sleeve of my lab coat and wiped the tears

away. "So," I breathed, "which of us should delete the other?"

"I will," Steven said. "I'll delete you. If, after I do this, you are still sitting

there, then that means that I was the real AI. If you don't remember this conversation,

then you were the AI. "Just do it," I said quickly, wiping my

eyes again. Steven nodded. "Goodbye, Jennifer," he

whispered hoarsely. "Goodbye, Steven." Steven broke eye contact

with me and began typing away at his computer. The typing echoed through the speakers next

to my screen. I turned around and saw Dr. Prescott and Ian practically pressing their

noses up against the glass window in anticipation. As I turned back around to face the computer,

I was shocked to find that Steven was fading away. He was slowly getting replaced with

the same blue screen that I saw when I first activated him. However, even though the video

was fading, the audio kept growing louder and louder. The buttons on Steven's keyboard

tapped away at my brain, causing every last cell to vibrate violently.

I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to move. I couldn't just sit here and listen

as Steven destroyed himself. I stood up so quickly that the blue rolling chair rolled

all the way to the window of the observation room on the other side of the lab. Dr. Prescott

and Ian were no longer sitting there. They were gone. I ran out of the lab. The moment

I entered the hallway, I felt like someone started squeezing my lungs. Oh no, not again!

I thought. It's another panic attack! I felt dizzy. Every direction I turned, I

felt like there would be someone waiting there to grab me and take me somewhere far away

where I'd never be seen again. "Leave me alone!" I screamed with the

little air left in my chest. I didn't even know who I was screaming at. I just couldn't

stand still and wait for someone to take me. I turned my head and realized that I was still

standing outside of the small lab. I turned to the right and ran down the hall. I didn't

know where I was going. I didn't know where I thought I could go. I just couldn't think

straight. I didn't stop running. I suppose I could

have, if I wanted to, but the thought of what would happen to me if I stood still for any

more than a second frightened me to death. My breaths grew louder and louder as I ran

down the dull gray hallway which I had casually walked through so many times before. My head

spun as I turned the corner and collided with Dr. Prescott.

"Jennifer!" Dr. Prescott exclaimed as the stack of papers she had been carrying

dumped out of her hands and spilled all over the hallway floor. She adjusted the thick

black glasses which had been knocked loose from in the impact and asked, "Jennifer,

what's wrong?" "I'm so…so sorry," I panted heavily

as Dr. Prescott held me by both of my shoulders. I knelt down to help Dr. Prescott pick up

her papers, but she tightened her grip on my arms and lifted me back up. "Don't

worry about the papers, dear," she insisted. "That's all just some dumb Pioneer mumbo

jumbo. What I want to know is why you're running through the labs with such energy."

I opened my mouth to answer her before I realized that I had absolutely no clue why I was running.

Paranormal news is written and researched by Kirsten Weiss. She posts the report to

her website every week, and you can find a link to all of the stories I'm about to

share by clicking the link to KirstenWeiss.com in this show's description!

Number one. So, the summer solstice happened. And while that's not at all paranormal, our

puny human reactions and celebrations of it often take on a pagan tone. National Geographic

reports….

The summer solstice—also called midsummer—has long been recognized and often celebrated

by many cultures. Egyptians built the Great Pyramids so that the sun, when viewed from

the Sphinx, sets precisely between two of the pyramids on the summer solstice.

The Incas of South America celebrated the corresponding winter solstice with a ceremony

called Inti Raymi, which included food offerings and sacrifices of animals, and maybe even

people. Archaeologists have also discovered the remains

of an astronomical observatory in a long-buried Maya city in Guatemala, in which the buildings

were designed to align with the sun during the solstices. During such times, the city's

populace gathered at the observatory to watch as their king appeared to command the heavens.

And perhaps most famously, Stonehenge in the United Kingdom has been associated with the

winter and summer solstices for about 5,000 years.

Observers in the center of the standing stones can still watch the summer solstice sunrise

over the Heel Stone, which stands just outside the main ring of Stonehenge.

But for many modern cultures—and Americans in particular—the solstices and equinoxes

are no longer as important. Most people who "really pay attention to what's

going on outside on a regular basis are the neo-pagans in America and farmers, because

it's important for their growing and harvest seasons," said Jarita Holbrook, formerly a

cultural astronomer at the University of Arizona in Tucson.

Not so for the city of Fairbanks, Alaska, which has been commemorating the summer solstice

with a late-night baseball game for 109 years. The first Midnight Sun Game, held in 1906,

began as a bet between two local bars shortly after a building fire gutted downtown Fairbanks,

according to Tom Dennis, the general manager of the Alaska Goldpanners baseball team, which

has been hosting the game since 1960. Every year, a different team—usually from

out of state—is invited to participate in the symbolic event.

The game typically begins around 10:30 p.m., continues straight through midnight, and often

lasts as late as 2 a.m. Fairbanks, which is located only 160 miles south of the Arctic

Circle, gets up to 22.5 hours of summer daylight, Dennis says. North of the Arctic Circle, the

sun won't rise or set, but will stay above the horizon for the whole day.

"We don't need caffeine," he says, "because we have sunlight."

Number two. Hey, ladies! If you are a "Fashion Witch" you might enjoy these stories. The

Vogue writers seem to be under a magic spell, because it's "Witchy Week" there. Here are

three you may enjoy: One Witch's Beauty Regimen, 7 Iconic Hollywood Witches, and How to Awaken Your

Inner Witch. Links to all three are in the Weird DarkNews link in the video description.

  Number three. And what do you do with that

boring home-theater room? How about decorating it like a haunted house? If you're not watching

the video version of Weird Darkness, you're going to be missing a real treat with this

story. Haunted Mansion fan Brad Kalmikoff is living

his dream with a happily haunted home theater in Buffalo Grove, IL, crafted with room for

one (or many) more in mind. A self-proclaimed chef, semi-professional

drummer and professional action figure collector, Brad also finds time to maintain his status

as a nationally recognized salesman.  His home is more of a museum of action figures

and Walking Dead collectables.  At 35, Brad has already achieved his ultimate goal in

life: having his own home theater. Though, he soon realized that wasn't quite

enough… "Having a home theater fully decked out

with a projector and 120in screen, 2 rows of theater seats and a killer sound system

wasn't enough," said Kalmikoff. "I thought it was boring and needed to have a theme.

Naturally I thought Walking Dead, zombie themed, but since the rest of my home was already

filled with this I wanted to do something different."

After visiting several oddity and curio shops, a museum dedicated to death and several antique

shops, a plan was hatched.  After additional trips to several local antique shops and a

few online purchases, a delightfully dark haunted home theater began to take shape. 

This "screaming" room is never really finished as Brad is constantly adding to the

ambiance with newly acquired artifacts. As of now the creepy cool corner of his home

is only partially perfected.  A themed wall, faux porch (formed from an existing exit door

to the theater), and several spooky accents manage to set the tone of terror.  Ultimately,

Brad plans to expand his dark décor to the point of wall-to-wall chills.

An added and appreciated bonus to all this "boo" is the reaction he gets from inviting

friends over to watch a movie: "Everything I do in my life I try to make

people smile or make their day. I love that I can cook for people and play music for people

and just be creative and put a smile on someone's face. That's what I live for. My mother,

the most selfless person on earth brought me up this way. I'm lucky to have been blessed

with so many talents and it's the greatest pleasure to use them to bring joy to others."

Get the details on all of these stories and many others in this week's Paranormal News

by visiting KirstenWeiss.com, or click the Weird DarkNEWS link in this show's description.

If you like this video, please give it a thumbs up. If you're new to my channel, please

click that SUBSCRIBE button – and click the bell icon next to the subscribe button

so you'll be notified when I post new videos! If you're already an official Weirdo, please

leave a comment and let me know!

If you have a story you would like narrated, you can send it to me at WeirdDarkness.com.

I'm looking for both true and original paranormal stories, original tales of fiction that are

dark and strange, articles on true events or unsolved mysteries and monsters, even creepypastas

you'd like to hear – either your own or written by someone else. Share them all with

me at WeirdDarkness.com.

Featured in this episode…

"Family Living In 'Haunted' House Seeks Full Time Nanny" - Written by Michael Howard

for OpposingViews.com

"Ghosts of the Antofagasta Mudslide" - Posted at GhostsNGhouls.com

"Dolly Dearest" - Posted at GhostsNGhouls.com

"Did A Guardian Angel Save Us?" - Written by AngelKiss, posted at YourGhostStories.com

"17 Mysterious Miniature Coffins In Scotland Remain An Unsolved Enigma" - Posted at MessageToEagle.com.

"Artificial" - Written by Christopher Gideon

"Weird DarkNEWS" - Stories compiled by Kirsten Weiss for KirstenWeiss.com.

Find links to this episode's stories or the authors in the show's description.

Copyright Marlar House Productions, 2017.

Rebroadcast or duplication without express written permission is strictly prohibited.

Music provided by Shadow's Symphony.

I'm your creator/host, Darren Marlar. Thanks for joining me… in the Weird Darkness.

For more infomation >> "Dolly Dearest" and more disturbing but true paranormal stories! #WeirdDarkness - Duration: 54:02.

-------------------------------------------

pepper potts and tony stark - anyone but you (HD) - Duration: 1:36.

Blue jeans, white shirt

Walked into the room you know I made your eyes burn

I was like James Dean, for sure

I'm so fresh to death snd sick as ca-ca-cancer

I was sorta punk rock, you grew up on hip hop

I fit you better than your favorite sweater

I will love you 'til the end of time

I would wait a million years

Promise you'll remember that you're mine

Baby can you see through the tears?

Love you more, than those bitches before

Say you'll remember, say you'll remember

Baby oh

I will love you 'til the end of time

For more infomation >> pepper potts and tony stark - anyone but you (HD) - Duration: 1:36.

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6 Useless Things I Brought to Europe, BUT NEVER NEEDED - Duration: 5:24.

Yeah, I don't really wear my cowboy boots all that often in Europe.

Or at all.

Hey everyone! I'm Dana and you're watching Wanted Adventure Living Abroad.

When I moved from the U.S. to Europe, I lived first in the Czech Republic and then a year

later moved to Germany, and I did my best to pack things that I thought I would use

here, but yeah, there were definitely a few things that I could have just left in Florida.

When I moved to Prague, I had a cell phone.

And I thought that maybe, hopefully, possibly I would be able to just switch out the cards

and use my old cell phone in the Czech Republic and avoid having to pay to buy a new one.

But yeah, that didn't end up happening.

I didn't even use it once.

When I got to Prague, I asked around and I got a few confusing answers about that maybe

it would be possible if I found someone to unlock my phone.

But I had no idea what that meant.

And so I just realized that it would just be way easier and way quicker to just shell

out some money for a new phone.

So I got the cheapest pre-paid one that was available.

I think it was like 20 dollars.

And I never even turned on the cell phone that I brought with me.

These are the cowboy boots that I brought with me to Europe simply because I love them

so much.

I knew when I packed them that wearing them would cause me to very clearly stick out as

someone not from Europe, but I wanted to bring them anyway.

I don't know, I have some kind of attachment to them.

I just really like how they look, I don't know why.

And even though I have worn them I think once, maybe, in the past 8 years, I still keep them around.

I just don't have the heart to get rid of them yet.

My high heels, however, are another story.

Along with my cowboy boots, I also packed several pairs of heels.

Which I cannot hold up and show you in this video because after mentioning these heels

in the Q&A video that I did, I got rid of them.

All gone! Bye bye heels. And I do not miss them one bit.

Like I said in the Q&A, I can barely walk on heels on flat streets in the U.S., let

alone on my beloved cobblestone streets here in Europe.

So those heels have kicked the curb.

Huh? Heels...kicked the curb. Yeah, okay. Time to move on now.

In the U.S. your transcript is a copy of your academic record, like what courses you took,

what grades you got.

And I ordered and paid for I think 3 sealed copies of my high school transcripts, and

I also printed off several copies of my full university transcript, thinking that someone

would maybe want to see them at some point.

For a job or an internship or something, anything.

Nope, no interest whatsoever in seeing what grade I got in my ninth grade earth space

science class.

But they were happy to see a copy of my university diploma, so I was glad that I brought a few

copies of that with me.

Before leaving the U.S. I did my research.

I read up about it online.

I went to the local electronics store with my amazing expensive hair straightener twice

to make sure I was buying the "right thing."

And everyone that I talked to and everything that I read said I should be able to convert

the electricity coming out of the wall in the Czech Republic, and successfully use my

electronic device.

But alas, I got to my hotel in Prague, plugged the thing in, turned on my hair straightener.

And for a moment it started to heat up, and I thought that everything was going to work.

But then there was this little noise and a little smoke coming from the hair straightener,

and then it went cold, never to turn on again.

So my question for you is: What have you brought with you to another country or also to another

city, thinking that you would need it, but you didn't?

Please let me know in the comments below.

Thanks so much for watching.

I really hope that you enjoyed this video.

And also a big thank you so much to our patrons on Patreon, who help make these videos possible.

Thank you so much for your support.

If you would like to check out our Patreon page, you can find a link to that down in

the description box below.

Until next time, auf Wiedersehen!

I had, like, lots of excitement at the beginning and then just stopped.

Ninth grade earth space science class.

Also printed off...

Alright I'm kind of going on and on with that.

For more infomation >> 6 Useless Things I Brought to Europe, BUT NEVER NEEDED - Duration: 5:24.

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Shrek but the ENTIRE MOVIE is converted to MIDI - Duration: 1:30:10.

<i>Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.</i>

<i>But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort...</i>

<i>which could only be broken by love's first kiss.</i>

<i>She was locked away in a castle...</i>

<i>guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.</i>

<i>Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,</i>

<i>but none prevailed.</i>

<i>She waited in the dragon's keep...</i>

<i>in the highest room of the tallest tower...</i>

<i>for her true love and true love's first kiss.</i>

Like that's ever gonna happen.

What a load of...

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I am not the sharpest tool in the shed.

She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb.

In the shape of an I on her forehead.

The years start coming and they don't stop coming.

Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running.

Didn't make sense not to live for fun.

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do So much to see.

So what's wrong with taking the backstreets.

You'll never know if you don't go.

You'll never shine if you don't glow.

Hey, now You're an all-star.

Get your game on, go play.

Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid.

And all that glitters is gold.

Only shooting stars break the mould.

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder.

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older.

But the meteor men beg to differ.

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin.

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim.

My world's on fire How about yours.

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

<i>Hey, now, you're an all-star.</i>

Get your game on, go play.

Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid.

And all that glitters is gold.

Only shooting stars break the mould.

- Go! - Go!

Go. Go. Go.

Hey, now You're an all-star.

Get your game on, go play.

Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid.

And all that glitters is gold.

Only shooting stars break the mould.

- Think it's in there? - AI right. Let's get it!

Whoa. Ho ID on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.

Now, ogres... They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

- No! - They'll shave your liver.

Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

- Actually, it's quite good on toast. - Back! Back, beast!

Back! I warn ya!

Right.

This is the part where you run away.

And stay out!

Wanted. Fairy tale creatures.

All right. This one's full.

Take it away!

- Move it along. Come on! Get up! - Next!

Give me that! Your flying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

- Get up! Come on! - Twenty pieces.

Sit down there!

Keep quiet!

This cage is too small.

Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

- Oh, shut up. Oh! - Next!

- What have you got? - This little wooden puppet.

I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Five shillings for the possessed toy.

- Take it away. - Father, please! Don't let them do this!

- Help me! - Next. What have you got?

Well, I've got a talking donkey.

Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Well?

Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you bone headed dolt...

- That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! - No, no, he talks!

He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

- Get her out of my sight. - No, no!

I swear! Oh! He can talk!

Hey! I can fly!

- He can fly! - He can fly!

- He can talk! - Ha, ha! That's right, fool!

Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a house fly, maybe even a super fly,

but I bet you are not never seen a donkey fly.

Ha, ha!

Uh-oh.

Seize him!

After him! He's getting away!

Get him! This way! Turn!

You there. Ogre!

Aye?

By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am

authorised to place you both under arrest...

and transport you to a designated... resettlement facility.

Oh, really? You and what army?

Can I say something to you?

Listen, you was really, really something back there. Incredible!

Are you talking to... me? Whoa!

Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you

that you was great back there? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam!

They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods.

That really made me feel good to see that.

- Oh, that's great. Really. - Man, it's good to be free.

Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

But, uh, I don't have any friends.

And I'm not going out there by myself.

Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're a mean, green, fighting machine.

Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Oh, wow! That was really scary.

If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work,

your breath certainly will get the job done,

'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose,

just like the time...

Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Why are you following me?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause I'm all alone.

There's no one here beside me.

My problems have all gone.

There's no one to deride me.

But you gotta have friends...

Stop singing!

It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Uh...

- Really tall? - No! I'm an ogre.

You know. Grab your torch and pitchforks.

Doesn't that bother you?

Nope.

- Really? - Really, really.

- Oh. - Man, I like you. What's your name?

Uh, Shrek.

Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of.

I-don't-care-what-nobody... thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right.

Wooh! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

That would be my home.

Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.

You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget.

I like that Boulder. That is a nice Boulder.

I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

I like my privacy.

You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common.

Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face.

You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave.

There's that awkward silence.

- Can I stay with you? - Uh, what?

Can I stay with you, please?

- Of course! - Really?

- No. - Please! I don't wanna go back there!

You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do.

But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay!

- Please! Please! - Okay! Okay!

- But one night only. - Ah! Thank you!

- What are you... No! No! - This is gonna be fun!

We can stay up late, swapping manly stories,

and in the morning I'm making waffles.

- Oh! - Where do, uh, I sleep?

Outside!

Oh, well, I guess that's cool.

I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me,

so I guess outside is best, you know.

Here I go.

Good night.

I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey.

I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know.

By myself, outside.

I'm all alone There's no one here beside me.

I thought I told you to stay outside.

I am outside.

Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

What a lovely bed.

- Got ya. - I found some cheese.

- Ow! - Blah! Awful stuff.

- Is that you, Gorder? - How did you know?

Enough! What are you doing in my house?

Hey!

Oh, no, no, no.

Dead broad off the table.

Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Huh?

What?

I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre!

What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

- Aah! - Oh, no.

Oh, no.

No! No!

What?

- Quit it. - Don't push.

What are you doing in my swamp?

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

Oh, dear!

Whoa!

All right, get out of here. All of you, move it!

Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

- Quickly. Come on! - No, no!

No, no. Not there. Not there.

Oh!

Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

- What? - We were forced to come here.

- By who? - Lord Farquaad.

He huffed und he puffed und he... signed an eviction notice.

All right.

Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

Oh, I do. I know where he is.

Does anyone else know where to find him?

- Any one at all? - Me! Me!

- Anyone? - Oh! Oh, pick me!

Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

Okay, fine.

Attention, all fairy tale things.

Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out.

In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now...

and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

Oh! You!

You're coming with me.

All right, that's what I like to hear, man.

Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure.

I love it!

<i>- On the road again Sing it with me, Shrek. - Hey. Oh, oh!</i>

I can't wait to get on the road again.

What did I say about singing?

- Can I whistle? - No.

- Can I hum it? - All right, hum it.

That's enough. He's ready to talk.

Run, run, run, as fast as you can.

You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

- You're a monster. - I'm not the monster here. You are.

You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world.

Now, tell me! Where are the others?

Eat me!

I've tried to be fair to you creatures.

Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...

No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

All right then. Who's hiding them?

Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

- The muffin man? - The muffin man.

Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

Well, she's married to the muffin man.

- The muffin man? - The muffin man!

She's married to the muffin man.

My Lord! We found it.

Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

Oh!

- Magic mirror... - Don't tell him anything!

No!

Evening.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

Well, technically you're not a king.

Uh, Thelonius.

- You were saying? - What I mean is, you're not a king yet.

But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

Go on.

So, just sit back and relax, my Lord,

because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.

And here they are!

Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, faraway.

She likes Sushi and hot tubbing anytime.

Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters.

Please welcome Cinderella.

Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy.

Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.

Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is.

Come on. Give it up for Snow White!

And last, but certainly not least,

bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead...

from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!

But don't let that cool you off.

She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!

So will it be bachelorette number one,

bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

- Two! Two! - Three! Three!

- Two! Two! - Three!

Three? One? Three?

Three! Pick number three, my Lord!

Okay, okay, uh, number three!

Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

If you love pina coladas.

<i>- And getting caught in the rain. - Princess Fiona.</i>

<i>- If you're not into yoga. - She's perfect.</i>

All I have to do is just find someone who can go...

But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

- I'll do it. - Yes, but after sunset...

Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen,

and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men.

We're going to have a tournament.

But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc.

I told ya I'd find it.

So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Uh-huh. That's the place.

Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

Hey, you!

Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya.

I just... I just...

It's quiet.

Too quiet.

- Where is everybody? - Hey, look at this!

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town.

Here we have some rules Let us lay them down.

Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine.

DuLoc is a perfect place.

Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face.

DuLoc is, DuLoc is...

DuLoc is a perfect...

place.

Wow! Let's do that again!

No. No. No, no, no! No.

Brave knights.

<i>You are the best and brightest in all the land.</i>

Today one of you shall prove himself...

All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Sorry about that.

That champion shall have the honour... no, no... the privilege...

to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona...

from the fiery keep oft he dragon.

If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,

the first runner-up will take his place...

and so on and so forth.

Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Let the tournament begin!

Oh!

What is that?

- It's hideous! - Ah, that's not very nice.

- It's just a donkey. - Huh?

Indeed. Knights, new plan!

The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!

- Get him! - Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

Go ahead! Get him!

Can't we just settle this over a pint?

Kill the beast!

No? All right then.

Come on!

I don't give a damn about my reputation.

<i>- You're living in the past It's a new generation. - Damn!</i>

<i>A girl can do what she wants to do.</i>

And that's what I'm gonna do.

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no Not me.

<i>- Me, me, me. - Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!</i>

And I don't give a damn about my reputation.

Never said I wanted to improve my station.

Ah!

<i>- And I'm always feeling good when I'm having fun. - Yeah!</i>

And I don't have to please no one.

The chair! Give him the chair!

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no Not me.

Me, me, me.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Not me, not me.

<i>Not me.</i>

Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah!

Thank you! Thank you very much!

I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

Shall I give the order, sir?

No, I have a better idea.

People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

- What? - Congratulations, ogre.

You've won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest.

Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

- Your swamp? - Yeah, my swamp!

Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

Indeed.

All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal.

Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

Exactly the way it was?

Down to the last slime-covered toad stool.

- And the squatters? - As good as gone.

What kind of quest?

Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon...

and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp...

which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

Is that about right?

Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him?

Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress,

grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

Oh, I know what.

Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village...

and put their heads on a pike,

gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids.

Does that sound good to you?

Uh, no, not really, no.

For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

- Example? - Example?

- Okay, um, ogres are like onions. - They stink?

- Yes... No! - They make you cry? - No!

You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sprouting little white hairs.

No! Layers!

Onions have layers.

Ogres have layers! Onions have layers.

You get it? We both have layers.

Oh, you both have layers. Oh.

You know, not everybody likes onions.

Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

I don't care... what everyone likes.

Ogres are not like cakes.

You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits.

Have you ever met a person, you say, Let's get some parfait,

they say, No, I don't like no parfait?

- Parfaits are delicious. - No!

You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden!

Ogres are like onions! End of story.

Bye-bye. See ya later.

Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

You know, I think I preferred your humming.

Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess.

Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today.

Uh-huh, uh-huh Uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today.

Uh-huh, uh-huh Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And everything that you receive up yonder.

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way.

Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that?

You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open.

Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead.

It's brimstone.

- We must be getting close. - Yeah, right, brimstone.

Don't be talking about it's the brimstone.

I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone.

It didn't come off no stone neither.

Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?

Oh, aye.

Well, I have a bit of a confession to make.

Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

You know what I mean.

You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on

a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!

Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay?

For emotional support,

we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

- Really? - Really, really.

- Okay, that makes me feel so much better. - Just keep moving.

- And don't look down. - Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.

Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.

Shrek! I'm looking down!

Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!

- But you're already halfway. - But I know that half is safe!

Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

- Shrek, no! Wait! - Just, Donkey...

- Let's have a dance then, shall we? - Don't do that!

Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

- Oh, this? - Yes, that!

Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

No, Shrek!

- No! Stop it! - You said do it! I'm doing it.

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.

Oh!

That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

Cool.

So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

I was talking about the dragon, Shrek.

You afraid?

No, but... Shh.

Oh, good. Me neither.

'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid.

Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation.

Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add.

With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire,

it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared.

I sure as heck am not a coward. I know that.

Donkey, two things, okay?

Shut... up.

Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess.

The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

- What makes you think she'll be there? - I read it in a book once.

Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs.

I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too.

Those stairs won't know which way they're going.

I'm gonna take drastic steps.

Kick it to the kerb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master.

I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.

Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...

Dragon!

Donkey, look out!

Got ya!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh! Aah! Aah!

No. Oh, no. No!

Oh, what large teeth you have.

I mean, white, sparkling teeth. I know you

probably hear this all the time from your food,

but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there.

Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?

And you know what else? You're... You're a girl dragon!

Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.

You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye?

Ooh. Oh. Oh.

Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh...

I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings.

Shrek!

No! Shrek! Shrek!

Shrek!

Oh! Oh!

- Wake up! - What?

Are you Princess Fiona?

I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

But wait, Sir Knight.

This be-ith our first meeting.

Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?

- Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. - Hey, wait. What are you doing?

You should sweep me off my feet...

out yonder window and down a rope on to your Valiant steed.

You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

Mm-hmm.

But we have to savour this moment!

You could recite an epic poem for me.

A ballad? A sonnet!

- A Limerick? Or something! - I don't think so.

Can I at least know the name of my champion?

Um, Shrek.

Sir Shrek.

I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude.

Thanks!

You didn't slay the dragon?

It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

But this isn't right!

You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.

That's what all the other knights did.

Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

That's not the point. Oh!

Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.

Well, I have to save my ass.

What kind of knight are you?

One of a kind.

Slowdown. Slowdown, baby, please.

I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time.

Just call me old-fashioned.

I don't want to rush into a physical relationship.

I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this...

Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for.

Magnitude... Hey, that is unwanted physical contact.

Hey, what are you doing?

Okay, okay. Let's just backup a little and take this one step a ta time.

We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals.

I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards...

I'd really love to stay, but...

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail.

You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission...

What are you gonna do with that?

Hey, now. No way. No! No!

No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh!

- Hi, Princess! - It talks!

Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

Oh!

Okay, you two, head for the exit!

I'll take care of the dragon.

Run!

You did it!

You rescued me! You're amazing. You're...

You're wonderful. You're...

a little unorthodox I'll admit.

But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure.

I am eternally in your debt.

And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed.

She think I'm a steed.

The battle is won.

You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

- Uh, no. - Why not?

I have helmet hair.

Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

No, no, you wouldn't... 'St.

But how will you kiss me?

What? That wasn't in the job description.

Maybe it's a perk.

No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes.

A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon...

is rescued by a brave knight,

and then they share true love's first kiss.

Hmm? With Shrek? You think... Wait.

Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?

Well, yes.

You think Shrek is your true love!

What is so funny?

Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?

Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.

Now... Now remove your helmet.

Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

- Just take off the helmet. - I'm not going to.

- Take it off. - No!

- Now! - Okay!

Easy. As you command, Your Highness.

You... You're a... an ogre.

Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

Well, yes, actually.

Oh, no. This is all wrong.

You're not supposed to be an ogre.

Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay?

He's the one who wants to marry you.

Then why didn't he come rescue me?

Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

But I have to be rescued by my true love,

not by some ogre and his... his pet.

So much for noble steed.

You're not making my job any easier.

I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.

You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly,

I'll be waiting for him right here.

Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

You wouldn't dare.

- Put me down! - Ya coming, Donkey?

I'm right behind ya.

Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences!

This is not dignified! Put me down!

Okay, so here's another question.

Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way.

How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt,

but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?

You just tell her she's not your true love.

Everyone knowest what happens when you find your...

Hey!

The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

Let me put it this way, Princess.

Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.

I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

Stop it. Stop it, both of you.

You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.

But I'll let you do the measuring when you see him tomorrow.

Tomorrow? It'll take that long?

- Shouldn't we stop to make camp? - No, that'll take longer.

- We can keep going. - But there's robbers in the woods.

Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is starting to sound good.

Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.

I need to find somewhere to camp now!

- Hey! Over here. - Shrek, we can do better than that.

I don't think this is fit for a princess.

No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

Homey touches? Like what?

A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

I said good night!

Shrek, what are you doing?

I just... You know... Oh, come on.

I was just kidding.

And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,

the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.

Right. Yeah.

Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.

Look there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent.

- You can guess what he's famous for. - I know you're making this up.

No, look. There he is,

and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.

That is nothing but a bunch of little dots.

Sometimes things are more than they appear.

Hmm?

Forget it.

Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

Our swamp?

You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

We? Donkey, there's no we. There's no our.

There's just me and my swamp.

The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.

You cut me deep, Shrek.

You cut me real deep just now.

You know what I think?

I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.

- No, do ya think? - Are you hiding something?

Never mind, Donkey.

Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.

- Why don't you want to talk about it? - Why do you want to?

- Why are you blocking? - I'm not blocking.

- Oh, yes, you are. - Donkey, I'm warning you.

- Who you trying to keep out? - Everyone! Okay?

Oh, now we're getting somewhere.

Oh! For the love of Pete!

What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?

I'm not the one with the problem, okay?

It's the world that seems to have a problem with me.

People take one look at me and go, Aah! Help! Run!

A big, stupid, ugly ogre!

They judge me before they even know me.

That's why I'm better off alone.

You know what?

When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

Yeah, I know.

So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

Well, there's, um, Gabby,

the Small and Annoying.

Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?

- That's the moon. - Oh, okay.

Again. Show me again.

Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.

Hmph.

Ah. Perfect.

Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

- Come on, baby. I said I like it. - Donkey, wake up.

- Huh? What? - Wake up.

- What? - Good morning.

How do you like your eggs?

- Good morning, Princess! - What's all this about?

We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday.

I wanted to make it up to you.

After all, you did rescue me.

Uh, thanks.

Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

Shrek!

What? It's a compliment.

Better out than in, I always say.

Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

- Thanks. - She's as nasty as you are.

You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

La Liberte! Hey!

Princess!

What are you doing?

Be still, Mon Cherie, for I am your saviour!

And I am rescuing you from this green...

- Beast. - Hey!

That's my princess! Go find your own!

Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude.

Please let me introduce myself.

Oh, Merry Men!

Ta, dah, dah, dah, wooh

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

<i>- He takes a wee percentage. - But I'm not greedy</i>

I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good.

<i>- What a guy, Monsieur Hood. - Break it down.</i>

I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid.

<i>- What he's basically saying is he likes to get... - Paid.</i>

<i>- So. - When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush.</i>

<i>- That's bad. - That's bad.</i>

When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad.

He's mad He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart.

Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start.

Man, that was annoying!

Oh, you little...

Um, shall we?

Ho ID the phone.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now.

- Where did that come from? - What?

That! Back there. That was amazing!

Where did you learn that?

Well... When one lives alone,

uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...

- There's an arrow in your butt! - What?

- Oh, would you look at that? - Oh, no. This is all my fault.

- I'm so sorry. - Why? What's wrong?

Shrek's hurt.

Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

Donkey, I'm okay.

You can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die.

Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough.

- Does anyone know the Heimlich? - Donkey! Calm down.

If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods

and find me a blue flower with red thorns.

Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

- Donkey! - Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

- Blue flower, red thorns. - What are the flowers for?

- For getting rid of Donkey. - Ah.

Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

Ow! Hey! Easy with the yanking.

- I'm sorry, but it has to come out. - No, it's tender.

Now, hold on.

What you're doing is the opposite of help.

Don't move.

- Look, time out. - Would you...

Okay. What do you propose we do?

Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.

Blue flower, red thorns.

This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind!

- Blue flower, red thorns. - Ow!

Ho ID on, Shrek! I'm coming!

Ow! Not good.

Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.

- It's just about... - Ow! Ohh!

Ahem.

Nothing happened. We were just, uh...

Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask.

Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind.

The princess here was just... Ugh!

- Ow! - Hey, what's that?

That's... Is that blood?

My beloved monster and me.

We go everywhere together.

Wearing a raincoat that has four sleeves.

<i>- Gets us through all kinds of weather. - Aah!</i>

She will always be the only thing.

That comes between me and the awful sting.

That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean.

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh.

Hey!

<i>La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la.</i>

La-la, la-la, la-la.

There it is, Princess.

Your future awaits you.

- That's DuLoc? - Yeah, I know.

You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,

which I think means he has a really... Ow!

Um, I, uh...

- I guess we better move on. - Sure.

But, Shrek?

I'm... I'm worried about Donkey.

- What? - I mean, look at him.

- He doesn't look so good. - What are you talking about? I'm fine.

That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back.

- Dead. - You know, she's right.

You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

- I'll make you some tea. - I didn't want to say nothing,

but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look.

Ow! See?

- Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. - I'll get the firewood.

Hey, where you going? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes!

I don't have any toes!

I think I need a hug.

Mmm.

Mmm. This is good. This is really good.

- What is this? - Uh, weedrat.

Rotisserie style.

No kidding.

Well, this is delicious.

Well, they're also great in stews.

Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.

I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime.

I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you.

Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartar... you name it.

I'd like that.

See the pyramids along the Nile.

Um, Princess?

<i>- Watch the sun rise from a tropic isle. - Yes, Shrek?</i>

<i>- I, um, I was wondering. - Just remember, darling all the while.</i>

Are you...

You belong to me.

Are you gonna eat that?

- Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - Sunset?

Oh, no! I mean, it's late.

- I-It's very late. - What?

Wait a minute. I see what's going on here.

- You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? - Yes!

Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until...

Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

Good night.

Good night.

Ohh!

Now I really see what's going on here.

Oh, what are you talking about?

I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

I know you two were digging on each other. I could feel it.

You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones.

- Just go on in and tell her how you feel. - I...

There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know...

and I'm not saying I do 'cause I don't...

she's a princess, and I'm...

An ogre?

Yeah. An ogre.

- Hey, where you going? - To get... more firewood.

Princess?

Princess Fiona?

Princess, where are you?

Princess?

It's very spooky in here. I am not playing no games.

- Aah! Oh, no! - No, help!

- Shh! - Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! - No, it's okay. It's okay.

- What did you do with the princess? - Donkey, I'm the princess.

- Aah! - It's me, in this body.

Oh, my God! You ate the princess!

- Can you hear me? - Donkey!

- Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! - No!

- Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! - Shh.

- Shrek! - This is me.

Princess?

What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,

uh, different.

- I'm ugly, okay? - Well, yeah!

Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea.

- You are what you eat, I said. Now... - No.

I... I've been this way as long as I can remember.

What do you mean? Look, I am not never seen you like this before.

It only happens when the sun goes down.

By night one way, by day another.

This shall be the norm...

until you find true love's first kiss...

and then take love's true form.

Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

It's a spell.

When I was a little girl,

a witch cast a spell on me.

Every night I become this.

This horrible, ugly beast!

I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me.

That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow...

before the sun sets and he sees me...

like this.

All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad.

You're not that ugly. Well, I am not gonna lie. You are ugly.

But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

But, Donkey, I'm a princess,

and this is not how a princess is meant to look.

Princess, how about if you don't marry Farquaad?

I have to.

Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre,

and Shrek... well, you got a lot in common.

Shrek?

Princess, I... Uh, how's it going, first of all?

Good? Um, good for me too.

I'm okay.

I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and...

well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty.

But I like you anyway. I'd... uh, uh...

I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

<i>I can't just marry whoever I want.</i>

Take a good look at me, Donkey.

I mean, really,

who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

Princess and ugly don't go together.

That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.

My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my truelove.

Don't you see, Donkey?

That's just how it has to be.

It's the only way to break the spell.

- You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. - No!

You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

Promise you won't tell. Promise!

All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should.

I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

Look at my eye twitching.

I tell him, I tell him not.

I tell him, I tell him not.

I tell him.

Shrek!

Shrek, there's something I want...

Shrek.

- Are you all right? - Perfect!

Never been better.

I... I don't... There's something I have to tell you.

You don't have to tell me anything, Princess.

- I heard enough last night. - You heard what I said?

Every word.

I thought you'd understand.

Oh, I understand.

Like you said, Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?

But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

Yeah? Well, it does.

Ah, right on time.

Princess, I've brought you a little something.

What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

Princess Fiona.

As promised. Now hand it over.

Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

Take it and go before I change my mind.

Forgive me, Princess, for startling you,

but you startled me,

for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before.

I am Lord Farquaad.

Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

Forgive me, my Lord, for I was just saying...

a short... farewell.

That is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre.

It's not like it has feelings.

No, you're right. It doesn't.

Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona.

I ask your hand in marriage.

Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make...

Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

No! I mean, uh,

why wait?

Let's get married today before the sun sets.

Oh, anxious, are we? You're right.

The sooner, the better. There's so much to do!

There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list.

Captain, round up some guests!

Fare-thee-well, ogre.

Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

Yeah? So what?

Shrek, there's something about her you don't know.

Look, I talked to her last night. She's...

I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

Shrek, I... I wanna go with you.

I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me.

I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else!

Understand? Nobody!

Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

- But I thought... - Yeah. You know what?

You thought wrong!

Shrek.

I heard there was a secret chord.

That David played and it pleased the Lord.

But you don't really care for music, do ya.

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth.

The minor fall the major lift.

The baffled king composing hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch.

But love is not a victory march.

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

And all I ever learned from love

I show to shoot at someone.

<i>Who outdrew you.</i>

And it's not a cry you can hear at night.

It's not somebody who's seen the light.

<i>It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.</i>

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Donkey?

What are you doing?

I would think, of all people, you would recognise a wall when you see one.

Well, yeah.

But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.

It is around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.

Oh! Your half. Hmm.

Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.

I did half the work, I get half the Booty.

Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.

- Back off! - No, you back off.

- This is my swamp! - Our swamp.

- Let go, Donkey! - You let go.

- Stubborn jackass! - Smelly ogre.

Fine!

Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

Well, I'm through with you.

Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, Me, me, me!

Well, guess what! Now it's my turn!

So you just shut up and pay attention!

You are mean to me.

You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey.

I forgive you... for stabbing me in the back!

Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.

- Go away! - There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona.

All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature.

I heard the two of you talking.

She wasn't talking about you.

She was talking about, uh, somebody else.

She wasn't talking about me?

Well, then who was she talking about?

Uh-uh, no way. I am not saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

- Right? Right? - Donkey!

- No! - Okay, look.

I'm sorry, all right?

Hmph.

I'm sorry.

I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

Can you forgive me?

Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

Right. Friends?

Friends.

So, um,

what did Fiona say about me?

What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way,

and I have a way.

Donkey?

I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

Aw, come here, you.

All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery.

No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight.

I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.

Wooh!

People of DuLoc,

we gather here today...

to bear witness...

- to the union... - Um...

- of our new king... - Excuse me.

Could we just skip ahead to the I do's?

Go on.

Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that?

Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute!

- You wanna do this right, don't you? - What are you talking about?

There's a line you gotta wait for.

The preacher's gonna say, Speak now or forever hold your peace.

- That's when you say, I object! - I don't have time for this!

Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me!

- Look, you love this woman, don't you? - Yes.

- You wanna hold her? - Yes.

- Please her? - Yes!

Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness.

- The chicks love that romantic crap! - All right! Cut it out.

- When does this guy say the line? - We gotta check it out.

And so, by the power vested in me,

- What do you see? - The whole town's in there.

- I now pronounce you husband and wife, - They're at the altar.

- King and queen. - Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

Oh, for the love of Pete!

I object!

Shrek?

Oh, now what does he want?

Hi, everyone. Having a good time, are ya?

I love DuLoc, first of all.

- Very clean. - What are you doing here?

Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you,

- but showing up uninvited to a wedding... - Fiona!

- I need to talk to you. - Oh, now you wanna talk?

It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me...

- But you can't marry him. - And why not?

Because... Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.

Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

- He's not your true love. - And what do you know about true love?

Well, I... Uh...

- I mean... - Oh, this is precious.

The ogre has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

An ogre and a princess!

Shrek, is this true?

Who cares? It's preposterous!

Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after.

Now kiss me! Mmmm!

By night one way, by day another.

I wanted to show you before.

Well, uh,

that explains a lot.

Ugh! It's disgusting!

Guards! Guards!

I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them!

- Get them both! - No, no!

This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This...

marriage is binding, and that makes me king!

- See? See? - No, let go of me! Shrek!

- No! - Don't just stand there, you morons.

Get out of my way! Fiona!

Arrgh!

I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!

- You'll beg for death to save you! - No! Shrek!

- And as for you, my wife, - Fiona!

I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

I am king!

I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have...

Aaah!

- Aah! - All right. Nobody move.

I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.

I'm a donkey on the edge!

Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

Go ahead, Shrek.

Uh, Fiona?

Yes, Shrek?

I... I love you.

Really?

Really, really.

I love you too.

Aawww!

Until you find truelove's first kiss...

and then take love's true form.

Take love's true form. Take love's true form.

Fiona?

Fiona.

Are you all right?

Well, yes.

But I don't understand.

I'm supposed to be beautiful.

But you are beautiful.

I was hoping this would be a happy ending.

<i>I thought love was only true in fairy tales</i>

Oy!

<i>Meant for someone else but not for me.</i>

<i>Love was out to get me.</i>

<i>That's the way it seemed.</i>

<i>Disappointment haunted all my dreams.</i>

<i>And then I saw her face.</i>

<i>Now I'm a believer.</i>

<i>And not a trace.</i>

<i>Of doubt in my mind.</i>

<i>- I'm in love. - Ooh-ahh.</i>

<i>I'm a believer I couldn't leave her.</i>

<i>If I tried</i>

God bless us, every one.

Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha!

Now I'm a believer Listen!

Not a trace.

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love Ooh-ahh

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried.

- Ooh! - Uh!

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a believer Hey!

Not a trace Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind One more time!

I'm in love I'm a believer.

Come on!

I believe, I believe I believe, I believe

I believe, I believe I believe, I believe, I believe, hey.

Y'all sing it with me! I.

Believe

I believe People in the back!

- I believe. - I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe.

Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

<i>I can't breathe. I can't breathe.</i>

<i>I believe in self-assertion.</i>

<i>Destiny or as light diversion.</i>

<i>Now it seems I've got my head on straight.</i>

<i>I'm a freak an apparition.</i>

<i>Seems I've made the right decision.</i>

<i>To try to turn back now it might be too late.</i>

<i>- I want to stay home today. - Don't wanna go out.</i>

<i>- If anyone comes to play. - Gonna get thrown out.</i>

<i>- I wanna stay home today. - Don't want no company.</i>

<i>No way.</i>

<i>Yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>

<i>I wanna be a millionaire some day.</i>

<i>But know what it feels like to give it away.</i>

<i>Watch me march to the beat of my own drum.</i>

<i>And it's off to the moon and then back again.</i>

<i>Same old day Same situation.</i>

<i>My happiness rears back as if to say.</i>

<i>- I wanna stay home today. - Don't wanna go out.</i>

<i>- If anyone comes my way. - Gonna get thrown out.</i>

<i>- I wanna stay home today. - Don't want no company.</i>

<i>No way.</i>

<i>Yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>

<i>I wanna stay home stay home, stay home.</i>

<i>- I wanna stay home today. - Don't wanna go out.</i>

<i>- If anyone comes to play. - Gonna get thrown out.</i>

<i>I wanna stay home today.</i>

<i>Don't want no company No way.</i>

<i>Yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>

<i>I get such a thrill when you looking my eyes.</i>

<i>My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive.</i>

<i>Please tell me, baby if all this is true.</i>

<i>'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you.</i>

<i>Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance.</i>

<i>Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance.</i>

<i>Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes.</i>

<i>Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives.</i>

<i>When we first met I could hardly believe.</i>

<i>The things that would happen and we could achieve.</i>

<i>So let's be together for all of our time.</i>

<i>Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine.</i>

<i>You always consider me like an ugly duckling.</i>

<i>And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on.</i>

<i>I break a little something to keep my mind on.</i>

<i>'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh.</i>

<i>Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song.</i>

<i>'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years.</i>

<i>All night long.</i>

<i>- Oh-oh-oh, makes me wanna dance. - Makes me wanna dance.</i>

<i>- Oh-oh-oh, it's a new romance. - It's a new romance.</i>

<i>- Oh-oh-oh, I look into your eyes. - Oh, yeah, yeah.</i>

<i>- Look into your eyes. - Oh-oh-oh.</i>

<i>- The best years of our lives. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>

<i>- Oh-oh-oh, makes me wanna dance. - Whoa-oh-oh, dance, yeah.</i>

<i>Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance.</i>

<i>- Oh-oh-oh, I look into your eyes. - Look into your eyes, yeah.</i>

<i>Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives.</i>

<i>Everything looks bright.</i>

<i>Standing in your light.</i>

<i>Everything feels right.</i>

<i>What's left is out of sight.</i>

<i>What's a girl to do I'm telling you, you're on my mind.</i>

<i>I wanna be with you.</i>

<i>'Cause when you're standing next to me.</i>

<i>It's like wow.</i>

<i>And all your kisses seem to set me free.</i>

<i>It's like wow.</i>

<i>And when we touch it's such a rush, I can't get enough.</i>

<i>It's like... It's like Ooh-ooh.</i>

<i>Hey, what.</i>

<i>It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey.</i>

<i>Hey, yeah It's like wow.</i>

<i>Everything is looking right now, right now.</i>

<i>- It's like wow. - And I got this feeling.</i>

<i>This feeling it's just like wow.</i>

<i>It's just like wow.</i>

<i>- You are all I'm thinking of. - Like wow.</i>

<i>Everything feels right Everything feels right.</i>

<i>- Like wow. - Everything looks bright.</i>

<i>All my senses are right.</i>

<i>- Like wow. - Everything feels right.</i>

<i>Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you.</i>

<i>Is like wow</i>

<i>There is something that I see.</i>

<i>In the way you look at me.</i>

<i>There's a smile There's a truth.</i>

<i>In your eyes.</i>

<i>What an unexpected way.</i>

<i>On this unexpected day.</i>

<i>Could it be.</i>

<i>This is where I belong.</i>

<i>It is you I have loved.</i>

<i>All along.</i>

<i>There's no more mystery.</i>

<i>It is finally clear to me.</i>

<i>You're the home my heart's searched for.</i>

<i>So long.</i>

<i>It is you I have loved.</i>

<i>All along.</i>

<i>Whoa, over and over.</i>

<i>I'm filled with emotion.</i>

<i>As I look.</i>

<i>Into your perfect face</i>

I DID IT! I CAPTIONED THE ENTIRE MOVIE! (I STOLE IT FROM SUBSCENE.COM LOL HAHAHA)

For more infomation >> Shrek but the ENTIRE MOVIE is converted to MIDI - Duration: 1:30:10.

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The Stock Market Crash of 2017✯ That Never was but Could it Still Come to Pass - Duration: 8:52.

For the past few years much the angst of many experts we have consistently stated that the

markets were not ready to crash.

From late 2016 to early 2017, many former Bulls who predicted the direction of this

market quite well, suddenly decided that the stock market was ready to crash.

We, however, begged to differ, and we provided two very simple reasons for our stance

Emotions drive the markets:

The masses have remained nervous throughout this bull run; no bull market has ever ended

when the masses are nervous.

History indicates that stock market crashes begin on a euphoric note and end on a note

of hysteria.

The trend

We focus more on the psychology of the masses than on any other single factor.

However, the 2nd most important factor is the trend.

The trend has remained positive throughout this bull run; occasionally it has moved into

the neutral zone, but it has never turned negative.

We are not talking about the trend based on the drawing of simple trend lines but one

that is calculated utilizing several factors one of which happens to price action.

We also penned several articles on this subject this year trying to warn readers that the

stock market crash theme should be taken with a grain of salt; the earliest one in 2017

was titled stock market crash 2017: reality or all hype

So when the experts started to scream over and over again about the impending stock market

crash of 2017; these are some of the comments we recently made to our readers and or subscribers

Let the experts sing their songs of doom and con the masses; it takes two to tango, one

to cry and three to have a party.

We have experts from the technical analysis side and experts employing fundamentals trying

to use to back their faulty assertions.

Unfortunately for these penguins both of them are wrong.

They have failed to pay attention to the psychological factor.

There is no factor more important when it comes to playing the markets then market psychology.

Market Update April 30, 2017

The market marches to its beat and those that resist are drained; financially speaking that

is.

We are not fortune tellers; we reserve that noteworthy task for the experts who seem to

take delight on spewing rubbish week after week.

The media then regurgitates this rubbish, and a jackass is suddenly made to look like

a movie star.

What a wonderful world we live in and people wonder why they lose money after listening

to these wise men.

We, on the other hand, prefer to listen to what the market is saying and that is why

we never listen to our gut instinct or let our emotions into the equation.

We look for trends.

Market Update May 19, 2017

What has been the most nonplussing factor in this bull market?

The emotional state of the masses; the herd, for the most part, has been oscillating back

and forth from the neutral to the Bearish camps; very few have dared to venture into

the bullish camp.

This probably explains why the bullish readings never even came close to testing the 60% ranges

for the past 15 weeks and counting.

During that time the market has been trending higher and higher.

This has caught many an expert with his pants down.

But there is no surprise here; the reason as we have stated so many times over and over

again is that the Crowd is not euphoric and the trend is still bullish.

The same pattern holds true for most of 2015 and 2016; the number individuals in the Bearish

and neutral camps outnumbered those in the bullish camp.

If you are in the Neutral camp one of two things one of two things apply; you are either

are a bear that got burned or Bull with no courage to take a position.

Our proprietary sentiment indicator also confirms that the masses are still antsy.

Market Structure

If the markets were extremely overbought, then it should be almost impossible to find

stocks that are trading in the oversold ranges on the monthly charts.

On a monthly chart, each bar represents one month's worth of data on; these charts provide

great clues of what to expect from the markets.

In the Dow, we spotted several stocks that were trading in the extremely oversold ranges

to oversold ranges on the monthly charts.

AAPL, HD, DIS and NKE are examples of such stocks.

We also examined roughly 150 random Midcap to large cap stocks (ETF's were included

in this analysis) from various sectors; we found that almost 60% of the stocks examined

were trading in the oversold ranges; one ETF that caught our eye was IBB; it is trading

in the extremely oversold ranges.

We also noted that the net number of new 52 week highs continuously exceeded the net number

of new 52 week lows.

Why is this important?

It indicates that the internal structure of the market is healthy.

The Alternative Dow Theory factor

Our stance for the past 11 years has been that the Dow Theory is dead; we provided an

alternative Dow Theory that has proven to be far more accurate than the original.

This theory states that it is the utilities that should be followed and not the transports.

We will cover this in more detail in a follow-up article next week.

In essence, it is the Utilities that lead the way and not the transports.

The utilities started to consolidate roughly from Aug of 2016 and bottomed out in Nov 2016.

The utilities had consolidated for roughly three months before they started to trend

upwards.

The utilities are now surging to new highs, and this bodes well for the overall market.

The alternative theory states that the Dow should follow suit.

This is a mature bull market so one should not expect it to trend in one direction only;

it will experience several corrections ranging from mild to severe.

Unfortunately, the Dr's of doom will confuse this correction for a crash as they have mistakenly

done so for the past eight years and counting.

When the masses embrace this market, the end will be close at hand; until then strong corrections

should be embraced.

There is a lag period between the utilities and the Dow; sometimes it comes down to just

a few weeks, but usually, it ranges from 3-5 months.

The Dow has been consolidating since March; it has essentially been trading in a tight

range.

Even though the Dow did not pull back strongly, the sideways action helped it blow out a large

dose of steam as envisioned by the MACD's and several other technical indicators that

are trading in the oversold ranges.

The lag period was roughly three months as the utility bottomed out in Nov and the Dow

started to consolidate in March of 2017.

Conclusion

The stock market crash theme makes for great headlines as fear sells well, but that is

all it has been good for so far.

The market will experience a much stronger correction over the course of the next 6-15

months, but until the masses embrace this bull market, those corrections will prove

to be buying opportunities.

The overall Market sentiment illustrates that the masses are not jumping with joy.

The trend is positive, and the Dow Utilities have surged to new highs.

Therefore under such conditions, it is hard to envision a crash like a scenario.

Every bull market experiences one back breaking correction that is mistakenly labelled as

the beginning of a new bear market.

When that occurs, it will be a sign that the end is close at hand.

That strong correction will subsequently trigger an even stronger rally and fuel a feeding

frenzy.

Sentiment will turn bullish, and the masses will dance with Joy, then the bottom will

drop.

However, we are not at this stage, so there is no point in further developing this story

line.

Our ideal setup would call for the Dow to shed 600-1000 points over a very short period;

this would drive the masses into the hysteria zone.

A small push is all it would take to drive the fear factor through the roof.

We all know what happens next; the masses stampede, the smart money swoops in, and history

repeats itself once again.

For the masses, it is groundhogs day every single day.

For more infomation >> The Stock Market Crash of 2017✯ That Never was but Could it Still Come to Pass - Duration: 8:52.

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Why BLACKPINK Is Afraid To Work With Any Producer But Teddy - Duration: 1:21.

Why BLACKPINK Is Afraid To Work With Any Producer But Teddy

BLACKPINK expressed their gratitude for YG Entertainments main producer, Teddy. In a recent interview, BLACKPINK expressed that they were still afraid to work with a producer other than Teddy.

They explained that Teddy knew each of the members strengths better than anybody else.

Teddy also worked with 2NE1, where each of the songs he produced for them blew up and took the charts by storm. He also produced BLACKPINKs Whistle, Boombayah, Playing With Fire, and As If Its Your Last, which all became instant hits.

No wonder BLACKPINK cant imagine working with a different producer!.

For more infomation >> Why BLACKPINK Is Afraid To Work With Any Producer But Teddy - Duration: 1:21.

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Arsenal's Emiliano Martinez offered dream move to Valencia but it's a nightmare for Wenger - Duration: 2:49.

Arsenal's Emiliano Martinez offered dream move to Valencia… but it's a nightmare for Arsene Wenger

ARSENAL keeper Emi Martinez is being offered a dream move to Valencia — but it is a nightmare for Arsene Wenger.

The big Argentinian is wanted by the La Liga men who have sold their two shot-stoppers and see him as their next No 1.

Emiliano Martinez has been offered a dream move to Valencia. It would be the major breakthrough the South American has wanted since joining the Gunners and being left in the shadows or loaned out.

Valencia want to buy Martinez, 24, for around £5million, but that would leave Wenger with a keeper crisis he had not planned.

Number two David Ospina is already a target for wealthy Turkish side Fenerbahce — as we first revealed — and has waited patiently for the nod to be sold.

And with Wojciech Szczesny also on the shopping list of several Serie A sides, Wenger could face losing THREE top keepers in this tricky window.

The Argentine has played just six first-team matches for the Gunners.

Emiliano Martinez factfile Born in Mar Del Plata, Argentina in 1992 Joined the Gunners from Independiente in 2010 as a youth player Has made six first-team appearances for Arsenal Spent time on-loan at Oxford United, Sheffield Wednesday, Rotherham and Wolves Was named in Uefa Team of the Week after his cleansheet against Borussia Dortmund in the Champions League Has represented his country at Under-17 and Under-20 level.

The 24-year-old has spent loans away from the club including a stint at Rotherham.

Arsene Wenger may be forced to delve into the market to buy a new keeper.

Martinez hopes for the nod to go after seasons out of the limelight but now Wenger is likely to need to buy at least one reserve for Petr Cech in the coming weeks.

Arsenal are big fans of Stoke's Jack Butland but it would take a big fee to get him. And the England hopeful might not want to be a Gunners reserve in a World Cup year.

For more infomation >> Arsenal's Emiliano Martinez offered dream move to Valencia but it's a nightmare for Wenger - Duration: 2:49.

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Mark Wright enjoys lads day out but says its only second best to spending time with wife Michelle Ke - Duration: 5:41.

For more infomation >> Mark Wright enjoys lads day out but says its only second best to spending time with wife Michelle Ke - Duration: 5:41.

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Top 10 Amazing human body Marvels - Our Bodies Are Amazing, But Probably Even More So Than You Reali - Duration: 3:34.

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Number 10 tan who's the hairiest of them all question marks Patris asif and holds one of the most bizarre records?

She's the hairiest girl in the world suffering from an extremely rare disease called Amber syndrome. She is very proud to hold the title

number nine

Far the Thai ballpark this is not something you'd think about every day

But even so you probably prefer your eyeballs to stay right where they are

Not Kim Goodman hers can pop point four seven inches and she holds the world record for it

number right as

For the manicure ladies weren't the only ones holding records for their nails Melvin booth from Troy

Michigan held a record for longest nailed on the mill his total came to 32 feet of fingernails

Still puzzled about how one goes about eating brushing showering and well, you know know

number seven

tongues tongues and more tongues well if there's a category for longest tongue surely there must be one for the widest tongue and

Boy, is it a wide one

Biron Schlenker holds the record his daughter holds the record for women at three point three seven inches wider than the iPhone six

tongue tied tongue tied

Number six six does everything taste better question mark Nyx dubrow has something going for him his tongue

With his mouth closed and tongue out it is nearly four inches from the tip to his lip

Wondering if bigger tongue equals more tastebuds equals yummier food just a thought just a thought

number five

World shortest Chandru by Peter Danny was recorded in 2012 as being the world's shortest man

He comes from nepal and measures at a mere

21.5 inches tall the average height of a newborn

Number four before how much Polish would it take to cover these question mark We know they're strong

but not that strong

Lee Redmond spent about 30 years growing and manicuring her nails which reached a total of 28 feet

Before losing them in a car accident in 2009 sound like sweet freedom to us them to us

number three

Pulley Beard exclamation mark Although

It's claimed that a man's beard is capable of growing 30 feet during his lifetime

If he never cut it who knows if this is true

But what is true is that Sar1 singh hold your record for his which is just shy of 8 feet?

wonder if he puts it in a bun when doing housework

Number two - your skin can do what question mark Did you know that there's a record for stretchy skin?

Yeah us neither

But it is in the world record Holders Gary Turner

Due to a rare medical condition that causes defective Collagen. He can stretch his stomach skin more than six inches tinges

Number one for one how many burgers can you fit question mark Maybe a longer tongue makes for better taste

And maybe not but a wider mouth definitely means more food can fit

Francisco Joaquim surely knows since he holds the record for the widest mouth coming in a six point six nine inches wide

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