WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BEFORE WE
GET STARTED, I JUST WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT THE
ATTACK TODAY IN ALEXANDRIA. ONCE AGAIN, WE'RE ALL SHOCKED IN MIND
AND SOUL BY A MASS SHOOTING, THIS TIME TARGETING, APPARENTLY,
REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN.
AND I PRAY TO GOD THAT EVERYONE PULLS THROUGH.
VIOLENCE OF ANY KIND IS NEVER JUSTIFIED AND IS THE LAST REFUGE
OF THE INCOMPETENT.
THANKFULLY, NONE OF THE MEMBERS OR THEIR STAFF OR POLICE WERE
KILLED TODAY.
AND I WILL SAY THIS: EVEN IN THE HORROR OF THIS DAY, THERE WAS
REASON TO TAKE HEART IN BIPARTISAN RESPONSES LIKE THIS:
>> WE WILL USE THIS OCCASION AS ONE THAT BRINGS US TOGETHER, AND
NOT SEPARATES US FURTHER.
>> WE ARE UNITED IN OUR SHOCK.
WE ARE UNITED IN OUR ANGUISH.
AND AN ATTACK ON ONE OF US IS AN ATTACK ON ALL OF US.
>> Stephen: SO I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO THE
CONGRESSIONAL LEADERSHIP AND TO THE PRESIDENT FOR RESPONDING TO
THIS ACT OF TERROR IN A WAY THAT GIVES US HOPE THAT WHATEVER
OUR DIFFERENCES, WE WILL ALWAYS BE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, LET'S TRY SOME COMEDY.
WHAT'S GOING ON TODAY?
OH, IT'S DONALD TRUMP'S BIRTHDAY.
71 CANDLES ON THAT CAKE.
ALTHOUGH, TRUMP LATER SAID IT IT WAS "OVER A MILLION CANDLES.
MOST CANDLES EVER."
AND 200 DEMOCRATS GOT TOGETHER TO GIVE THE PRESIDENT SOMETHING
HE MIGHT LIKE.
BUT INSTEAD, THEY'RE SUING TRUMP OVER FOREIGN PAYMENTS TO HIS
BUSINESSES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AT LEAST-- AT LEAST-- IT IS HIS
BIRTHDAY.
IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY.
AT LEAST THEY GOT TOGETHER TO GIVE THIM THIS CARD:
"CONGRATULATIONS, BIRTHDAY BOY YOU'VE BEEN SERVED."
IT'S NICE.
IT'S SWEET.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT, IT'S A NICE WAY TO DO IT.
ALSO, 24 HOURS LATER, WE'RE ALL STILL DIGESTING THE SENATE
INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE'S "ALL-YOU-STONEWALL" BUFFET
FEATURING ATTORNEY GENERAL AND DOLL CARVED FROM AN APPLE, JEFF
SESSIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SESSIONS-- THEY SNEAK UP ON YOU SOMETIMES.
SESSIONS HAD A LOT TO ANSWER FOR, FROM HIS ROLE IN THE COMEY
FIRING TO HIS UNDISCLOSED MEETINGS WITH THE RUSSIAN
AMBASSADOR.
AND REPUBLICANS DID NOT HESITATE TO HOLD HIS LITTLE CURLY SHOES
TO THE FIRE.
>> ATTORNEY GENERAL IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU HERE.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE MARY.
I KNOW THERE ARE PROBABLY OTHER PLACES YOU'D BOTH RATHER BE
TODAY.
AND IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU HERE TOGETHER AND KNOW THAT YOUR
FAMILY CONTINUES TO BE PROUD AND SUPPORTIVE OF WHAT YOU DO.
>> THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN BLESSED, INDEED.
>> I AGREE WITH THAT.
I AGREE WITH THAT.
>> Stephen: "MR. SESSIONS, MY QUESTION IS AS FOLLOWS: ARE YOU
NOW, OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE WORLD'S GREATEST GRANDPA?"
( LAUGHTER ) "DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS MUG,
SIR?" "AT LONG LAST, DO YOU NOT
RECOGNIZE THIS MUG?" THANK YOU.
THAT SHELF IS GETTING VERY CROWDED OVER THERE.
>> Jon: IT IS.
YOU HAVE TO DUST IT.
>> Stephen: BUT THERE WERE A FEW TOUGHER QUESTIONFOR SESSIONS
TO ANSWER; NAMELY, ABOUT CONVERSATIONS HE HAD WITH THE
PRESIDENT, BUT SESSIONS WAS PERFECTLY WILLING TO NOT ANSWER
THEM.
>> I'M NOT ABLE TO DISCUSS WITH YOU OR CONFIRM OR DENY THE
NATURE OF OUR PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS THAT I MAY HAVE
HAD WITH THE PRESIDENT.
IT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR ME TO ANSWER AND REVEAL PRIVATE
CONVERSATIONS WITH THE PRESIDENT.
I'M NOT ABLE TO SHARE WITH THIS COMMITTEE PRIVATE COMMUNICATION.
I'M NOT ABLE TO COMMENT ON CONVERSATIONS WITH HIGH
OFFICIALS WITHIN THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> Stephen: WOW, HE'S REALLY GOOD AT PROVIDING ABSOLUTELY NO
INFORMATION.
I THINK WE FOUND THE REPLACEMENT FOR SEAN SPICER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CONGRATULATIONS, SIR.
SO WHY ISN'T SESSIONS ANSWERING?
WELL, THE ONLY POSSIBLE REASO WOULD BE THAT THE PRESIDENT HAD
INVOKED SOMETHING CALLED EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE,
WHICH USUALLY PREVENTS HIS AIDES FROM SHARING DETAILS OF THEIR
CONVERSATIONS WITH THE PRESIDENT.
BUT TRUMP HASN'T CLAIMED EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE HERE AND
SESSIONS CAN'T CLAIM EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE.
SO, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> YOU SAID YOU DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO ASSERT THE POWER OF
EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE.
SO WHAT IS THE LEGAL BASIS FOR YOUR REFUSAL TO ANSWER THESE
QUESTIONS?
>> I AM PROTECTING THE RIGHT OF THE PRESIDENT TO EXERT IT-- UH
ASSERT IT IF HE CHOOSES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT A THING ( LAUGHTER )
YOU CAN'T JUST REFUSE TO ANSWER A QUESTION IN CASE THE
PRESIDENT LATER DECIDES HE DIDN'T WANT YOU TO ANSWER
IT.
YOU CAN'T JUST-- THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "I INVOKE MY
CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO THE 28th AMENDMENT, WHICH, OF
COURSE, IS NOT WRITTEN YET, BUT IT MIGHT BE WRITTEN ONE DAY.
AND IT MIGHT SAY THAT I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER YOUR
QUESTION.
SO I CAN GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY IN THE SPRINKLERS.
WEE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WEEE!
( APPLAUSE ) EVEN THOUGH NO ONE HAS EVER
HEARD OF THIS NONPRIVILEGE PRIVILEGE BEFORE, SESSIONS
CLAIMS IT'S A DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE POLICY.
>> SO I CAN UNDERSTAND, IS THE BASIS OF THAT UNWILLINGNESS TO
ANSWER BASED ON EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE OR--
>> IT'S LONGSTANDING POLICY OF THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE NOT TO
COMMENT ON CONVERSATIONS THAT THE ATTORNEY GENERAL HAS HAD
WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> CAN YOU SHARE THOSE POLICIES WITH US?
ARE THEY WRITTEN DOWN AT THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE?
>> I BELIEVE THEY ARE.
>> Stephen: "YES, I BELIEVE THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY WRITTEN
DOWN ON PAPER.
TOTALLY UNRELATED QUESTION: CAN I BORROW A PEN AND SOME
PAPER?" ( LAUGHTER )
JUST FOR A MINUTE.
COULD I CLEAR THE ROOM, PLEASE?
WEEE!
( APPLAUSE ) FUNNY THING, THOUGH, THOSE
ANSWERS DIDN'T SATISFY CALIFORNIA SENATOR AND MOM FROM
A CEREAL AD, KAMALA HARRIS.
SENATOR HARRIS WANTED TO KNOW THE CONCRETE DETAILS OF
SESSIONS' SECRET POLICY ABOUT SECRETS, AND THAT DID NOT SIT
WELL WITH OTHER MEMBERS OF THE COMMITTEE.
IS >> YOU REFERRED TO A LONG-
STANDING D.O.J. POLICY.
CAN YOU TELL US WHAT POLICY IT IS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
>> THE POLICY IS BASED ON THE PRINCIPLE THAT THE PRESIDENT--
>> SIR, I'M NOT ASKING ABOUT THE PRINCIPLE.
I'M ASKING-- >> I'M UNABLE TO ANSWER THE
QUESTIONS.
>> YOU WOULD RELY ON THAT POLICY.
DID YOU NOT ASK YOUR STAFF TO SHOW YOU THE POLICY THAT WOULD
BE THE BASIS FOR YOU REFUSING TO ANSWER THE MAJORITY OF QUESTIONS
THAT HAVE BEEN ASKED TO YOU-- >> CHAIRMAN, THE WITNESS SHOULD
BE ALLOWED TO ANSWER THE QUESTION.
>> SENATORS WILL ALLOW THE CHAIR TO CONTROL THE HEARING.
SENATOR HARRIS, LET HIM ANSWER.
>> Stephen: YEAH, COME ON, SENATOR HARRIS, IF YOU JUST GIVE
THE GUY A MINUTE TO TALK, I'M SURE HE CAN COME UP WITH A
NEW REASON WHY HE CAN'T ANSWER.
"I'VE GOT MY ANTI-SENATOR FORCE FIELD UP.
AND, ALSO, THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" ( LAUGHTER )
I YIELD THE REMAINDER OF MY TIME.
NOW, REMEMBER, THIS HEARING WAS ABOUT RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE IN
OUR ELECTIONS.
AND KAMALA HARRIS HAD A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
WELL, LET ME CHANGE THAT.
SHE HAD A LOT OF THE FIRST HALF OF QUESTIONS.
>> DID YOU HAVE ANY COMMUNICATION WITH ANY RUSSIAN
BUSINESSMEN OR ANY RUSSIAN NATIONALS?
>> I DON'T BELIEVE I HAD ANY CONVERSATION WITH RUSSIAN
BUSINESSMEN OR RUSSIAN NATIONALS.
>> ARE YOU AWARE OF-- >> ALTHOUGH A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE
AT THE CONVENTION, IT'S CONCEIVABLE THAT SOMEBODY--
>> SIR, SIR I HAVE JUST A FEW QUES--
>> WELL, YOU LET ME QUALIFY.
IF I DON'T QUALIFY IT, YOU'LL ACCUSE ME OF LYING, SO I NEED TO
BE CORRECT AS BEST I CAN.
>> I DO WANT YOU TO BE HONEST.
>> I'M NOT ABLE TO BE RUSHED THIS FAST.
IT MAKES ME NERVOUS.
>> Stephen: YES.
JEFF SESSIONS DOESN'T RESPOND TO BEING RUSHED.
IN FACT, IT'S THE ONLY KIND OF RUSHIN' HE WON'T ENGAGE WITH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WEEE!
BUT ACCORDING TO FORMER TRUMP ADVISOR AND GOATEE HOST
ORGANISM, JASON MILLER, THERE'S A PERFECTLY REASONABLE
EXPLANATION FOR WHY HARRIS KEPT GETTING INTERRUPTED.
>> HE CAME OUT WITH A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF VINEGAR AND, UH, FIRE
IN HIS BELLY TODAY WITH SOME OF HIS ANSWERS.
HE KNOCKED AWAY SOME OF THE HYSTERIA FROM KAMALA
HARRIS.
>> HOW WAS SENATOR HARRIS HYSTERICAL?
I THINK SHE ASKED A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
SHE WAS VERY DOGGED, THERE WAS NO QUESTION.
BUT I WOULDN'T SAY SHE WAS ANYMORE DOGGED THAN RON WYDEN,
WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
>> UH, LISTEN-- MY-- MY OPINION ON THAT IS-- I THINK SHE
WAS HYSTERICAL.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
IF ANYONE WAS HYSTERICAL, MAYBE IT WAS THE OLD QUESTION SAYING
THAT HER QUESTIONS WERE SCARING HIM
"HAVE YOU KNOW SHAME, SENATOR HARRIS?
HOW MANY VERBS IS THIS SENTENCE GOING TO HAVE?
A DANGLING PARTICIPLE COMING AT ME LIKE A VIPER IN THE NIGHT.
I DO DECLARE, THIS AGGRESSIVE LINE OF QUESTIONING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVE THE VAPORS.
BEAUREGARD, BRING ME A FAINTING COUCH AND A MINT JULEP!"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
TREVOR NOAH IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE RETURN OF RUSSIA.
STICK AROUND!
WEEE!
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