Seen on amateur comedy nights all around the bay area, give it up for UJ!
Wow, what a beautiful day today, what a beautiful day in San Francisco.
It's a beautiful city, isn't it? Any of you from here?
One person!
Well, the first person I know from San Francisco! But it's alright.
Like, it's alright, because they are sending their best people here, folks.
Like, we have the best chefs, the best bartenders, the best programmers,
the best Yelp reviewers,
And, weed is legal!
So what's the point?
Nobody's going to work.
But that's ok. Like, I have to admit, though. Like, I have to admit to Sundar, that I am addicted.
I am addicted to something that's not only legal but actually encouraged in the bay area.
I'm not talking about weed, weed is totally ok.
Weed is totally ok.
Like, why is there no food here?
When I saw pictures of this place, I saw tables of food and delicious looking stuff!
But now, I guess I have to carry my own munchies.
Weed is totally ok except for the munchies.
Alright, uh, not that!
Budweiser tastes so much like cows piss that its worshiped in India, right?
Ok, they renamed it America it seems.
Aye, that's still Budweiser.
When George Washington heard of that name change his spirit rose and moved to Canada.
He could live with Trump but this is too much.
No really, like, Budweiser is so shitty that I had to pour it out and fill it with water for this joke.
But see, the thing I'm really addicted to, is my cellphone.
Like, I'm all the time on my cellphone, and every time I'm like "What's this new post on reddit?"
"Why did my ex-girlfriend block me on Facebook?"
"Am I trending yet?"
"Wait, Putin and Ivanka did what??"
So, it's just, like, there is no place I can escape from it, and there's no place I can
go and confess, and like, check myself in for addiction, that I am a cellphonoholic
or whatever.
The best I can do is go to comedy nights and confess.
To y'all especially because we are all drug dealers of this, isn't it?
Alright, alright, uh, speaking of addiction, right?
I think the only thing I can find more controversial than drugs here is politics, because politics
divides everyone.
And I don't really want to talk about it, because politics is always something I have
mixed feeling on.
Like, take Trump.
On one hand I somehow like him, because everyone hates him and he still has to go and speak
in front of a mic, and there is something identifiable about that.
But on the other hand, I am an illegal immigrant.
So, he doesn't really capture our demographic.
With that, umm, I'll leave you all, and since this is Taylor St, since this is Tenderloin,
I need to do something for safety, while walking back home.
So I want to say, I am not here to take the open mic standup jobs.
They haven't outsourced that yet!
Give it up, you guys! UJ!
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