[Julian] Hello Everyone.
[Julian] Yes Julian here. Yes
[Julian] I've got some very sad news to tell you
[Julian] Yes you see...
[Julian] I've got an illness a couple of days ago and...
[Julian] I'm dying! [Cries]
[Julian] Oh yes it's so sad
[Julian] I'm so sad I'm sick [Cries]
[Miles] Oh sir. Oh sir.
[Miles] I heard all about it
[Miles] I'm so sorry sir
[Julian] Oh hello Miles
[Miles] Oh hello there sir.
[Miles] Yes I'm so sorry
[Miles] I heard the horrible news sir.
[Julian] Yes it was horrible wasn't it?
[Miles] Oh yes it was horrible sir.
[Miles] Oh I'm so sorry for you sir.
[Miles] You must feel awful sir
[Julian] Yes I do feel awful yes.
[Miles] Is there anything I can do for you?
[Miles] Oh oh careful sir.
[Miles] Sorry sir but I really don't want to get sick too
[Julian] That's okay Miles yes.
[Julian] While you are here...
[Julian] Yes there are a couple of things you can do for me actually
[Miles] Oh anything sir.
[Miles] Anything in this time of need sir.
[Miles] Of course.
[Miles] oh it just makes me so sad...
[Miles] To see you like this sir. [Cries]
[Julian] Yes it's ok Miles.
[Julian] I've come to terms with it
[Julian] I just have a few things...
[Julian] I need to do
[Julian] Just some requests to make you see
[Miles] Okay sir yes of course
[Miles] I can help you with that
[Miles] Right so what do you need me to do sir?
[Miles] Maybe I can get you some Vicks?
[Miles] Or something from the pharmacy?
[Julian] oh... No I think we're past that I'm afraid
[Miles] Oh oh right sir
[Julian] I... So when I die you see...
[Miles] When you die?
[Julian] Yes when I die...
[Miles] Right
[Julian] I have afew items I want to give out
[Miles] Right okay well I guess we can talk about that now
[Miles] Seems a bit odd but yes ok
[Miles] Shouldn't you be resting sir?
[Julian] Well... No Miles
[Julian] Got to get this done first
[Miles] Right okay yes of course sir yes.
[Miles] You must be right yes.
[Julian] So firstly...
[Miles] Right
[Julian] I want you to give...
[Julian] my girls mountain bike...
[Miles] Your girls mountain bike
[Miles] oh yes the girl's mountain bike yes
[Julian] Give that to Miles
[Miles] To Miles sir?
[Julian] Yes Miles
[Miles] Do you mean? Do you mean me?
[Julian] Yes that's right. You
[Miles] I mean I don't really need to give it to me...
[Miles] do I sir but okay
[Miles] so you want me to have your girls mountain bike
[Julian] Yes that's right. Yes
[Miles] by the girl's mountain bike you mean...
[Miles] the rusty pink mountain bike...
[Miles] That you left round the side of the house...
[Miles] the moment you bought it
[Julian] Er... Yes!
[Miles] The mountain bike that you bought...
[Miles] because you thought it would make you a cyclist...
[Miles] but then you didn't actually ride it
[Julian] Yes that's right yes.
[Miles] And then you still told people you were a cyclist...
[Miles] just because you had the latex and the bike
[Julian] Well I am a cyclist
[Miles] well no sir you actually have to ride the bike...
[Miles] if you want to be a cyclist
[Julian] Nevermind Miles
[Miles] okay fine fine
[Miles] well I guess I'll gladly take...
[Miles] the rusty old pink mountain bike sir
[Julian] yes okay and then next...
[Miles] yes okay another item
[Miles] will you tell me who you want it to go to sir
[Miles] and I'll make sure they get it
[Julian] So I want you to give...
[Miles] Yes
[Julian] My Piña Colada set...
[Miles] Oh the Piña Colada set oh yes sir
[Julian] and give that to Miles
[Miles] Right so that's me again isn't it?
[Julian] Yes. That's right. Yes
[Miles] and the Piña Colada set you're talking about...
[Miles] that's my piña colada set isn't it sir?
[Julian] No. It's my piña colada set.
[Miles] No sir remember...
[Miles] you borrowed it about three years ago
[Miles] and then you never gave it back...
[Miles] and then ever since then you've claimed it's yours
[Julian] But you bought it for me as a gift
[Miles] In fact you even lent it to me once sir
[Miles] and said that it was yours
[Miles] and that I could borrow it
[Julian] Yes because you bought it for me as a gift
[Miles] No I did not buy it for you as a gift
[Miles] We went to Argos...
[Miles] You had no money because you...
[Miles] conveniently forgot your wallet [Julian] Achoo!
[Miles] Oh careful sir
[Miles] and then I had to buy it instead...
[Miles] Using my card because you didn't have any money
[Miles] and I said you could borrow it from time to time
[Miles] until you gave me the money back
[Julian] Oh... Oh... Well...
[Miles] Which you never did
[Julian] Oh I'm sorry Miles.
[Julian] Well you can have it back now
[Julian] When I die
[Miles] Oh lovely. Thank you very much.
[Miles] How wonderful.
[Miles] I get my own possessions back when you die
[Miles] Yes okay anything else sir?
[Julian] Yes and finally Miles...
[Miles] Yes sir
[Julian] I want you to give...
[Miles] Yes
[Miles] Miles to Miles
[Miles] Wait you want me to give...
[Miles] me to me?
[Julian] Yes that's right. Yes
[Miles] What does that even mean sir?
[Julian] Well I don't want you to feel bethrothed to me...
[Julian] When I'm dead so...
[Miles] Well I'm not bethrothed to you sir
[Miles] I'm just your friend.
[Miles] I mean I'm not a possession
[Julian] Oh well well...
[Julian] And I don't want you to feel like that
[Julian] So when I die...
[Miles] Right
[Julian] I want you to be free to go...
[Julian] wherever you want
[Miles] Well thank you very much for that sir
[Miles] I think I would have been anyway
[Miles] but lovely thank you
[Julian] That's ok Miles
[Miles] right okay well I'm glad that's fine
[Miles] I do worry that perhaps you might...
[Miles] have got the wrong end of the stick here a little bit sir
[Julian] Miles. I'm not finished yet
[Julian] We need to move on to my funeral arrangements next
[Miles] oh right... Ok. Right. Funeral
[Julian] Yes that's right
[Miles] I'm not sure we really need it now but fine okay
[Miles] Yes so go ahead then
[Miles] What do you want for a funeral sir?
[Julian] Well when I die...
[Miles] Yes sir
[Julian] For my funeral I want to be buried at sea
[Miles] Buried at sea?
[Julian] Yes that's right
[Miles] You mean like a military burial?
[Julian] Yes
[Miles] Like they give to heroes...
[Miles] and to War Veterans and things like that?
[Julian] Yes. You know my love for militaria...
[Julian] and warships
[Miles] Yes sir but I'm not sure...
[Miles] we can just ask for a military burial
[Miles] I mean I guess we can...
[Miles] It's going to cost a lot of money though sir
[Julian] Oh well I'm sure we'll find the money
[Julian] especially with the life insurance
[Miles] Are you sure it's to do with your love of militaria sir?
[Julian] Of course it is
[Miles] Is it not to do with the fact...
[Miles] That you're going to be surrounded by...
[Miles] lots of hunky sailors...
[Miles] or at least that's what you think...
[Miles] Because you think it's "In the Navy"...
[Miles] and it's not
[Miles] That's not how the Navy actually works.
[Miles] It's not lots of like strapping young men...
[Miles] walking around in hardly anything...
[Miles] dancing and things all the time
[Julian] Oh well...
[Miles] In the Navy it's probably quite hard
[Miles] There's probably a lot of fighting
[Miles] There's probably a lot of training
[Miles] A lot of hard exercise...
[Miles] things like that
[Miles] not lots of men...
[Miles] gallivanting around having fun together...
[Miles] greasing each other up
[Julian] Well I...
[Miles] Also remember you'll be dead as well
[Miles] So you're not going to enjoy...
[Miles] any of this stuff
[Miles] you're just going to be in a box
[Miles] and they're gonna throw you off the side of the boat
[Julian] Oh well I'm not what else the navy do all day
[Julian] I mean we're not like in any wars or anything
[Miles] No not the moment no I guess but...
[Miles] but... but yes okay fine.
[Miles] Well I'll see if I can arrange that
[Miles] But it's going to cost a lot of money though
[Julian] Well... I'm sure we can arrange it with a life insurance policy
[Miles] Well I'm sure yes. Ok fine right
[Miles] Yes well I guess I can do that then sir
[Miles] okay well I guess if that's it then...
[Julian] Well I got one more request
[Miles] One more... right ok fine.
[Miles] I guess we may as well...
[Miles] We're here anyway let's hear it
[Julian] Well you see...
[Julian] Once I'm buried at sea...
[Miles] Yes sir
[Julian] yes I then want to buried in a tomb...
[Julian] in a pyramid
[Miles] I'm sorry... Wait what...
[Miles] You want to be buried in a pyramid...
[Miles] AND at sea?
[Julian] Well I want to be buried in my pyramid yes
[Miles] In your own pyramid...
[Miles] and buried at sea...
[Miles] You realize you can't be buried in two places at once sir
[Julian] Oh well...
[Julian] Well... No no no
[Miles] You only have one body sir
[Miles] You can't be in two places at once
[Miles] We can have the military burial...
[Miles] Or we could put you in a pyra...
[Miles] Put you in a pyramid?
[Julian] Yes
[Miles] There aren't any free pyramids to just put people in sir
[Miles] We'd have to build one
[Julian] Well yes of course you would
[Miles] Do you realise how long that would take?
[Miles] The original pyramids took...
[Miles] THOUSANDS of people...
[Miles] Hundreds of years to build
[Julian] But I don't understand then
[Julian] I thought everyone has their own pyramid
[Miles] No sir. Not everyone has their own pyramid sir
[Julian] But then how do you get to the afterlife?
[Miles] What do you mean?
[Miles] You can't believe that...
[Miles] you put all the stuff in the pyramid...
[Miles] and then it comes with you to the afterlife?
[Julian] Yes yes like the Pharoahs yes
[Miles] What kind of stuff do you want to take?
[Julian] Well I mean...
[Julian] If we could have a larger pyramid...
[Miles] Yes
[Julian] I'd probably take my house
[Miles] Your house?
[Julian] Yes
[MIles] You can't put the whole house in the pyramid sir
[Julian] Yes and a car yes
[MIles] The car? What are you going to do with the car in the afterlife?
[Julian] Well I thought I might need...
[Julian] a vehicle to drive around
[Miles] Drive around?
[MIles] Right okay
[Miles] I'm not really sure that's how it works sir
[Miles] It's not like going on holiday or moving house
[Julian] Well speaking of which...
[Julian] There's loads of other things...
[Julian] I need in the afterlife yes
[Julian] I need a suitcase
[Julian] Lots of clothes. Some sunscreen
[Julian] Get some sunscreen. Yes
[Miles] It's not a holiday sir [Julian] Do I need a ticket?
[Julian] I think I need a ticket don't I?
[Miles] You don't need a ticket!
[Julian] And a passport?
[Miles] No you certainly don't need a passport
[Miles] There's no customs sir.
[Miles] It's not like that
[MIles] I don't know... I mean... I mean...
[Miles] I mean no I don't think
[Miles] You can take any real...
[Miles] material objects at all with you sir
[Julian] How do you know?
[Julian] Have you been to the afterlife?
[Julian] I don't think so
[Miles] No but it's not somewhere that you can just...
[MIles] Hop over to and come back again
[Miles] There's no flight to the afterlife sir
[Julian] No I agree.
[Julian] That's why we need to make sure we got everything
[Miles] Well I guess so sir
[Miles] But I mean...
[Miles] Going to the extent of...
[Miles] extent of building a pyramid seems a bit much
[Miles] but fine so you just want to take...
[Miles] the car and a bunch of random earthly possessions with you
[Miles] Is that all?
[Julian] Well I mean...
[Julian] Well unfortunately I'd love to take you Miles...
[Julian] but I don't think I can take you while you're alive
[Julian] But maybe you can be in my tomb...
[Julian] When you die
[Miles] Okay sir. Well...
[Miles] I don't really want to be buried in a tomb with you
[Miles] Just in case you need me in the afterlife sir
[Miles] that sounds a bit inconvenient but ok
[Miles] Right well is that it then sir?
[Julian] Um... Well...
[Julian] That's pretty much it. Yes Yes
[Julian] I mean er....
[Julian] Yes yes yes oh yes
[Julian] And also... but one last thing actually
[Miles] Oh yes
[Julian] I need to make sure...
[Julian] That when I do die...
[Julian] and go to the afterlife...
[Julian] That I have my money
[Miles] Your money?
[Julian] Yes yes yes so I need...
[Julian] you to pop to the bank...
[Miles] Right...
[Julian] Yes and then make a bank transfer...
[Julian] To transfer my money to the afterlife
[Miles] Transfer your money to the afterlife?
[Julian] Yes yes
[Miles] Right. That is it sir
[MIles] Right this is ridiculous
[Miles] I do have no idea what you're talking about
[Miles] You certainly cannot send money to the afterlife sir
[MIles] There's no proof that it even exists
[Miles] The bank certainly do not have a facility for that
[Miles] You can't just wire money...
[Miles] to some fictional place...
[Miles] which may or may not exist
[Julian] Oh oh well...
[Miles] No I'm sorry sir.
[Miles] and I think... really feel...
[Miles] That you've gotten the wrong end of the stick here
[Miles] and I'm really gonna need to let you let you know...
[Miles] What's actually going on here
[Julian] But Miles! I'm sick
[Miles] Yes you are sick sir yes.
[Miles] We went to the doctor
[Miles] I went with you remember...
[Julian] I'm dying!
[Miles] Yes you... No you're not dying sir!
[Julian] Yes I am [Miles] No you're not
[Miles] We went to the doctor...
[MIles] and he said you had a very very...
[Miles] MILD case of...
[Miles] The sniffles
[Julian] Yes the sniffles plague
[Miles] No not the sniffles plague sir
[Miles] The sniffles is a common term...
[Miles] for the common cold sir
[Julian] But...
[Miles] Just a common cold.
[Miles] It's not even the flu
[Miles] It's not a virus
[Julian] Achoo!
[MIles] Yes that's it.
[Miles] You just got a little bit of the sniffles
[Miles] yes and a little bit of a cough
[Miles] and you've got a bit of a runny nose
[Miles] And you know what you have sir
[Miles] You have a large case...
[Miles] of the man flu
[Julian] No!
[Miles] Yes the man flu!
[Miles] You seem to think that you're dying...
[Miles] For no apparent reason...
[Julian] But but but...
[Miles] The doctor was very clear...
[Miles] He said all you need to do...
[Miles] is have lots of bed rest
[Miles] and rest up and then maybe have some lemon...
[Miles] and some honey and a couple of things like that...
[Miles] Maybe a couple of paracetamol...
[Miles] to help you know reduce some of your symptoms
[Miles] But other than that...
[Miles] he said you'd be fine in just a few days...
[Julian] well I think we need a second opinion
[Julian] Yes I didn't trust that doctor
[Miles] Grrrr
[Miles] You're fine sir. Just go to bed
[Julian] Oh ok Miles
[Miles] Go to bed. Right now
[Miles] Yes go to bed
[Miles] and I'm gonna make you some honey and lemon
[Miles] And then I'm going to come in
[Miles] And you're gonna go to sleep
[Julian] But if I'm dead tomorrow...
[Julian] You know what to do right?
[Miles] Yes I know what to do...
[Miles] If you're dead but you're not gonna be dead
[Miles] And we're not building a pyramid
[Julian] Oh but I want my pyramid!
[Miles] But we can't afford one sir.
[Miles] Where's the money?
[Julian] Oh alright alright
[Julian] I'm going to bed
[Miles] I guess we could start a GoFundMe or something
[Miles] maybe we could get Julian a pyramid built...
[Miles] for when he actually does die
[Miles] But Jesus Christ...
[Miles] What a melodramatic moron
[Miles] Right
[MIles] Sometimes I just don't know why I'm doing it
[Miles] I guess I better get some lemon and some honey then...
[Miles] I'll make it really strong
[Miles] Yeah that'll change him
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