Hey everybody!
So today I'm gonna go over a few frequently asked questions about polyamory/non-monogamy.
If you're new here, hi, I'm Riley, I'm not monogamous.
But obviously I don't speak for all polyam folks -- everything in this video is just
my thoughts and opinions, and other non-monogamous people might disagree.
So yeah, I wanna start by talking about the difference between polyamory and non-monogamy.
I've seen a lot of people say that polyamory is loving multiple people while non-monogamy
is just having sex with multiple people.
I don't really like that definition, and I don't really see the need for separating
the romantic and sexual aspects since neither of them are really monogamous.
So I tend to say that polyamory and non-monogamy are synonyms for anything that's not monogamous.
But obviously, people are allowed to use whatever labels they want for themselves or their relationships.
A lot of the time I just say that I'm in an open relationship because people know what
that means and it saves me the trouble of having to explain everything about polyamory.
I also use "polyam" as the shortened version of polyamorous, and it's way easier and
quicker to say "polyam people" instead of "non-monogamous people".
Anyway, I asked on Twitter for questions ya'll had about polyamory/non-monogamy -- so let's go through those.
"Is polyamory more natural/progressive than monogamy?
Should it be a goal to become polyamorous?"
No, and no.
A lot of people seem to have run into polyam folks who act like they're superior because of it?
I don't think either polyamory or monogamy are superior to the other.
I think it comes down to what works for the individual.
So for some people, polyamory is the best, but for other people, monogamy is.
I'm not really interested in what is more "natural" because I don't think that
something being natural necessarily makes it better.
I do think a lot of people have stereotypes about polyamory that aren't true, and that
if they tore down those stereotypes they might see that they actually like polyamory -- but
I don't think that means you have to be polyamorous to be progressive.
Maybe you completely understand polyamory but just recognize that it's not for you,
and that's totally okay too.
So I don't think it should be a goal to become polyamorous, but I do think it should
be a goal to at least understand it and confront the stereotypes that you have about it.
"Do all polyam folks like orgies?"
No, I don't think so.
I mean obviously it's up to the individual, and I'm sure a lot of polyam folks love
orgies, but I don't think it's a requirement.
Some polyam folks might have sex with multiple partners at once, or some might just have
sex with one at a time.
"What are your thoughts on the more recent TV shows and movies depicting polyamory?"
From what I've seen, a lot of the media representation of polyamory is still filtered
through a very normative lens.
So like a lot of the polyam stories that get told are like one straight cis man in a relationship
with two bisexual cis women.
And they're probably all white.
And there's nothing inherently wrong with that kind of relationship, but it's the
most easily palatable for a mainstream audience -- because it's a depiction that appeals
to straight cis men.
Like it plays on the fantasy that a straight cis man could have two girlfriends, and it
usually depicts the relationship between the two women as being for the pleasure of the
man instead of just being its own thing.
I think I just wanna see depictions that push the boundaries of what a mainstream cis male
audience would be okay with.
Like, I think it'd be much better to show three men in a relationship, or three women,
or two men and a woman, or a bunch of non-binary people -- like polyam relationships have such
diversity and the fact that media depictions usually take the least controversial of those,
I don't think is an accident.
"Can polyam people successfully/happily be in a monogamous relationship?"
I think it depends on the person.
I know some people would feel trapped and like they were missing out on something, but
I'm sure for other people, it's less of a big deal, and if they found someone they
really loved who was monogamous, maybe they could be in a happy monogamous relationship.
Everyone is just so different in their experiences that I think it's hard to answer that for all polyam people.
"Do you get jealous?
And if so, how do you deal with jealousy?"
One of the common misconceptions about polyamory, I think, is that polyamorous people don't
feel any jealousy at all.
Like for me personally, I don't feel a lot of jealousy.
Like I probably get jealous about certain things every once in awhile, but for the most
part, I don't feel jealous if my partner is with another person.
In fact, I'm usually really happy for them.
I actually found out recently that there's a word for this.
It's called Compersion, and it's basically the feeling of happiness that you feel knowing
that someone you love is happy.
So if I know my partner is having a good time with someone else, that makes me happy too.
But there are also plenty of polyam folks who definitely get jealous.
Jealousy doesn't just go away in polyam relationships.
I think, just like in monogamous relationships, it's important to talk and communicate with
each other and be honest about your feelings and your jealousy and all of that.
I think most people feel jealousy to some degree, regardless of what kind of relationship they're in.
In polyam relationships, I think that an important part of coping with it is feeling secure in
yourself and knowing that you're still good enough for your partner, even if they're with other people.
I think a lot of the time you need to focus on resolving your own insecurities and be
confident in the fact that your partner loves you and that isn't going to change.
Obviously, confronting insecurities isn't easy, so I don't think this is like an immediate
process, but it is something to work on in the longterm.
"How do you respond to people who say they could never be polyamorous because they're too jealous?"
I mean, you do you.
Like, if you think a polyam relationship wouldn't work for you because you're too jealous,
that's okay, you don't have to be in a polyam relationship.
But I do think that too much jealousy can be really bad even in monogamous relationships.
So if that is a way that you're feeling, you might want to look at why you're so
jealous, and again, I think it may come back to insecurities or trust issues that you need
to work through with yourself or your partner.
"What boundaries/rules do you set?"
So for this, I think there are like too many possibilities to list in a video.
Every polyam relationship is going to have different rules and boundaries, just like
a monogamous relationship.
Different people are comfortable with different things.
Like some monogamous people think cheating is worse if their partner has sex with someone
else with no romantic connection, while other monogamous people think cheating is worse
if their partner develops romantic feelings for another person even if they didn't have
sex with them.
So one person might have more physical or sexual boundaries, while another person might
have more like emotional and romantic boundaries.
But most of those boundaries are just like assumed from what we all know about monogamous
relationships that we've seen in the media and with the people in our lives.
So for polyam relationships, we really don't have as much to go on in terms of positive
examples, so it's a lot of trial and error.
Figure out what works for you and your partner or partners, and talk about it.
Communication is always the key in any relationship.
Like, some people might want to be in a relationship between three people.
Some might want to be in a couple that occasionally brings in a third.
Some might want to be with other people sexually, while some might want to be with other people romantically.
It's different for every relationship.
"What are the do's and don'ts?"
Okay, do: Communicate.
I've said this like five times already but imma keep saying it.
Communication is so important to any relationship.
Do: Trust your partner.
If you're in a relationship with someone who you don't trust, it's probably not
a great relationship.
Do: Set clear boundaries for the relationship.
Unclear or unspoken boundaries are how people get hurt.
Don't assume anything.
If you're confused about anything in the relationship, talk about it.
Don't: Pressure people in polyamory against their will.
Obviously you have to take into account power dynamics here.
Like, sometimes one person in a relationship has more power in the relationship than the
other, and you have to recognize that and be very careful not to pressure your partner.
Suggesting polyamory isn't bad, talking about the pros and cons of polyamory isn't
bad, but if after all of that, your partner is still saying no, don't pressure them
or force them to be polyamorous.
That's really shitty and toxic and not cool.
Don't: Act superior to monogamous people.
We've already kinda talked about this, but monogamy and polyamory are just different.
One isn't better than the other.
"How do you pick teams on board game night?"
I liked this question because I didn't realize people still have board game nights?
Like that sounds hella fun but I just don't know anyone who does that.
I think the real problem, if you had more than two people in your relationship, would
be playing co-op games together.
You might just have to switch off, or hope that one person in the relationship doesn't
like video games.
"How do you approach the topic with a partner who doesn't know anything about it?"
Uh, very cautiously?
I think a lot of people have this knee-jerk reaction that if you're considering polyamory
you must be unhappy with your current monogamous relationship.
And I guess, to a degree, that's true, like you do want to be in a different kind of relationship,
but I don't think it actually negatively reflects on your partner.
Like it's entirely possible to love your partner and think the world of them, but also
want to be polyamorous.
So, I don't know if this is possible, but you really want to make that as clear as you
can when you bring it up to them.
Like tell them that you love them and it isn't about them personally, it's just something
that you would like to try.
I can't guarantee it will go over well, but I think it's probably better to try
and talk about it with your partner, rather than just bottling it up and never talking
about it until it really eats away at you.
And also, like I was just talking about, be aware of the power dynamics in your relationship
and be extremely careful not to pressure your partner.
Because if they feel like you're going to break up with them if they don't try polyamory,
they might feel pressured to go along with it even though they don't really want to.
So it's important to keep that in mind, and make sure that if your partner does agree
to try non-monogamy, that they're doing so enthusiastically and not because they feel
pressured by you.
"Do you want more than one partner because you feel like one partner alone isn't good
enough for you or can't please you?"
I actually get this question a lot, and often times I hear it from people when I tell them
I'm not monogamous.
Like they'll say something like, "If my partner said they wanted to be polyamorous,
I would feel like I did something wrong or wasn't good enough."
And I think all of that is based on a really inaccurate idea of what polyamory is.
Like, the typical monogamous idea is that one person should fulfill all of your romantic
and sexual needs, and the only reason you would ever want to be with someone else, is
if they're not fulfilling all of those needs.
But, I think that way of looking at relationships doesn't work for everybody.
Like, if a polyam person is in a relationship with two people, it's not that one person
is fulfilling half of their needs and the other person is fulfilling the other half.
It's that both meet the person's needs, just in different ways.
I don't think people have this finite amount of romantic and sexual needs that they're trying to fill.
Like, two people could be deeply in love when a third person comes along and makes both of them happy.
I don't think they need to shut that person out and be like, "Sorry, we already make
each other happy."
That may be true, but it's also possible they could be happy with this third person.
Framing it as one partner not being "enough" sets up this idea that everyone in a non-monogamous
relationship is somehow not doing enough or is not good enough, and I think that's bullshit.
I think plenty of people have happy, healthy relationships with multiple people.
You can be having your romantic and sexual needs met, and still take pleasure in experiencing
different romantic or sexual things with another person.
Not all romantic and sexual feelings are the same.
I think you can experience really positive romantic and sexual feelings in different
ways for different people at the same time.
"If you're in a relationship with more than one person do you give all equal attention?"
I don't have personal experience with this, because even though my girlfriend and I are
non-monogamous, there's just two of us in the relationship.
But I know that people have all sorts of different configurations.
Like some couples have a third person who knows that their role is being kind of secondary
to the couple, while others have three people in a relationship who are all in love with
each other and presumably try to pay equal attention to each other.
Sometimes the two or three people in a relationship might all have different secondaries who don't
know each other, or other times two couples might be in a relationship together with the four them.
Again, communication is huge here.
You'd need to figure out what works with your life and your relationship.
"If you have multiple partners, how do you deal with events where you're supposed to bring a +1?"
Damn, I don't know.
I guess see if you can get another +1?
Or hopefully one of your partners doesn't wanna go.
I don't know.
I guess that's just monogamous privilege.
"How do other people treat you when they find out you're not monogamous?"
I think it's mostly surprise and then sometimes like just confused disbelief.
Like they don't really believe that non-monogamous people exist and they're like trying to
run through in their head all the questions that they have about it.
I think it's just so rarely talked about that when it is brought up, people are shocked
that it's a real thing.
"Can polyamorous people cheat?"
Yes, absolutely, they can.
I think it might be less common, since you could probably just tell your partner or partners
who you wanna have sex with, but cheating can happen in any relationship.
Cheating is about lying or crossing a boundary.
In a typical monogamous relationship, there's an unspoken contract that you won't have
sex with anyone else except for your partner.
So if you do that, you're crossing a boundary that you had set up.
And unless you tell your partner immediately afterwards, you're probably lying about
it, or at least trying to hide it from them.
So in a polyamorous relationship, if you set up some sort of boundary, and your partner
crosses that boundary and lies about it, it's definitely cheating.
If your rule is simply, "We tell each other everyone who we're having sex with," and
then your partner has sex with someone without telling you, that's cheating.
This is why it's so important to set up clear boundaries in polyamorous relationships,
otherwise you might end up doing something that you don't think is cheating, but your partner does.
So yeah, polyamorous people can cheat.
But also doesn't mean that all polyamorous people are cheaters.
I mean, a lot of monogamous people cheat too.
"Do you have to be bisexual to be polyamorous?"
Nooo definitely not.
I'm polyam but not bisexual.
You can definitely have a polyam relationship where you're only with people of a certain gender.
Like three girls being in a relationship, or two guys being in a relationship who both
have different guys as secondaries.
Something like that.
"Are all bisexual people polyamorous?"
Nooo, again, definitely not.
Some bisexual people are monogamous, and some are polyamorous.
It really depends on the person.
I do think that with bisexual people there is an added level of stigma though because
of the shitty stereotype that bisexual people are more promiscuous or whatever.
So I think often times bi people feel a pressure to be super monogamous to kinda disprove that
stereotype of them, and bi polyam people get shit from kinda all sides because people think
they're just living up to the stereotype.
So it's all a mess, but basically, bisexual people can monogamous or polyamorous, and
both options are totally okay.
Your sexual orientation is separate from your feelings about monogamy.
"How do you respond to people who say that they could never be polyamorous because they
love their partner too much?"
I think this goes back to a lot of the stuff I was talking about with having a finite amount
of romantic and sexual needs.
Like, even well-meaning people often say stuff like, "I love my partner too much to be
polyamorous," and I know they don't mean that in a bad way, but the implication is
that I don't love my partner enough because I'm polyam.
But I don't think people have like one unit of love that they can give away, and once
it's given, they have no more love to give.
I think you can share your love with multiple people and that doesn't diminish the love
that you have for any one of those people.
I think people who say they "love their partner too much to be polyamorous" could
probably find a better way of phrasing that, like saying that they would feel too jealous,
or they wouldn't have the emotional energy, or they just have no desire to be with anyone else.
Polyam folks are just as capable of love as monogamous folks are.
"Don't people in polyamorous relationships just end up getting hurt?"
I mean, most people in monogamous relationships just end up getting hurt.
Like, most people are serially monogamous.
They're in a string of different monogamous relationships throughout their life.
So most of those end in breakups and in people getting hurt.
I think most monogamous people can remember a time they were in a relationship and got hurt.
Yeah, polyamorous people break up, and they get hurt, and they make mistakes -- but that
happens in every other kind of relationship too.
Some polyamorous people end up in a really happy longterm situations, so it definitely
works for some people.
And that is all of the questions.
Feel free to leave more questions in the comments below, if you have any -- and if you're
polyamorous, tell me about your experiences in the comments!
Thanks so much for watching!
I'll see you next time.
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