*
I use this when I'm stressed or something. There's a charm hidden inside,
and it's right there, and it's a little fish.
And this... I got it for my birthday, and it used to have eyes and a mouth,
but then it rubbed off, and it's a lion.
Copyright Able 2018
What does anxiety mean to you?
It's like when you have emotions about what's going on around you.
Yeah, absolutely. Emotions. We have lots of emotions about what's going on around us, eh?
And you get, like, really nervous and you're worried about what's gonna happen.
OK, nervous and worried.
And when you have butterflies in your stomach and you feel, like, really scared to do something.
OK, yeah, sometimes you do feel it physically. Yeah, you get anxious about it.
Yep. When you're presenting.
Like, if you're doing a speech or something.
So, when you're practising it at home in front of your parents,
not quite so anxious, but then— CHILDREN: No.
And then what happens when you get out in front of the class? Butterflies go everywhere.
(LAUGHS) They just burst out. It's like bubbles up inside you.
Even thinking about it can— Yeah.
I try not to think about it until I'm doing it.
Right, cos even thinking about it can, sorta, build up that anxiousness and that nervousness.
Yeah. Yeah, just kinda think you're in your own little bubble.
Yeah. Everyone's invisible.
And that's what we see a lot in the literature is that overthinking — word that you said.
Anxiety is sometimes about not being able to turn off that problem solving,
so you just keep trying to problem-solve and keep trying to problem-solve.
And sometimes you can't solve the problem. Cos words go all through your mind.
You're just like, 'Oh no, what's gonna happen? What's gonna— Are they gonna laugh
'if I'm gonna go and do this or this or this.' Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you just kinda gotta clear your mind and just think you're alone.
Mm-hm. Just think everyone's invisible. Right, yeah, that's your strategy?
No one will make fun of you. Right. Yeah.
So feeling anxious is often about reaching out to our friends and our loved ones and our family.
It just helps you to stop feeling alone, eh. ALL: Yeah.
Sometimes anxiousness is just about feeling alone.
Anxiety is, like, more about how it's yourself, but as soon as you tell somebody your problem,
it, like, the weight comes off your shoulders a bit. ALL: Yeah.
And it doesn't feel as bad. Hmm.
When you— Cos usually it's like writing. When you say it out loud, you find your mistakes.
So if you say your problem, you might think, 'Oh, no, it's not actually that bad.'
Or, 'Oh, yeah, there is a solution.' Yes, OK.
Right, so what's the rules?
Um, we need to...
The children go first. What? Yeah. Yes.
I don't— I need to set out the wild cards. The what?
Children always come first.
They're completely opposite. We've got two kids. Mieke is—
She's 8. ...an 8-year-old now. Yeah.
Just had her eighth birthday. Yeah.
And Alex who's 6.
And they're complete opposites.
Which is fantastic, so...
Alex is pretty outgoing and easy, and... Yeah.
Just whatever comes, happens. He's cruisy as you like.
Mieke's not. Mieke's pretty anxious.
Yeah, she's a perfectionist, but she also... Yeah.
Will give up too early, so that's not a good mix. (LAUGHS)
She'll try something once, and when it doesn't go perfect...
Yeah, and then she gets pretty upset at herself that she hasn't done it, and she worries,
and that's when the hair-pulling comes out.
READS: 'How many sides does an octagon have?'
What's an octa— Oh. A shape.
Eight. Well done. Good job. Nailed it.
You got it right. I thought— At first I thought it was six, but, no, it's a bigger number,
so I just— Yeah, well done. So you just did that.
Mieke started pulling her hair before she was 2.
She started going bald on one side, and I sorta thought,
'Oh, that's a bit strange. She wasn't bald before.'
And I watched her, and she'd sit and she'd use her fingers, and she'd just wrap them and rip
and wrap and rip, and there'd be hair all over her pillow. You could hear the ripping.
It was that bad. Oh, it was awful.
There was— Doesn't seem to be a trigger, like a straight timeline of something,
but she did have quite a traumatic start to life,
and then she was quite sick as a baby.
And looking back, it was so obvious why. Yeah.
She had so many— Well, there was the earthquake obviously. She was born— Three weeks.
She was the harbinger of the earthquake almost. Not quite but—
She was 3 weeks old when the earthquakes happened. And I was put to sleep to have her.
(SIREN HOWLS)
That was a bit of a stressful time,
and then she was diagnosed with failure to thrive.
She got pneumonia, and then we had the second earthquakes,
and then in that time we lost our house and I lost my job.
(SIREN HOWLS)
That's where, clearly, things were very stressed. Like it took—
Mieke and I were in the city centre next to the CTV building.
I remember standing in the middle of the road holding her, thinking my baby's covered in dust,
and there shouldn't be this dust, and what am I supposed to do now?
And there was just clouds and screaming and sirens and noises.
And it took us eight hours to get to Stephen.
There was a lot of people who helped us, which was really amazing.
And had gone home to our house, but had had to wade through liquefaction to get Mieke's medication.
It was waist-deep just getting back to the old house.
Welcome to life, Mieke.
The expression often used is 'build a lifetime in the first 1000 days.'
Your brain will take what it experiences in the first 1000 days
as a good indication of what your life's likely to be like for the rest of your lifespan
and give you a brain ready for a lifetime full of what you experienced in the first 1000 days.
Now, we see that especially in Christchurch, and that's understandable
that we'd have a higher percentage because of the earthquake,
and if you understand the first 1000 days and how you're adapting to that environment,
if you were born just after the earthquake, you've been adapting to a trauma environment.
That's why Scandinavian countries put— spend all their taxes in the first 1000 days.
It's why they pay the parent to stay at home in the first— 80% of their salary
to stay at home in the first year.
It's not just a warm, fluffy thing about babies. They build less prisons; they have less suicide;
they actually ultimately spend less money by investing more money in the first 1000 days.
(SIREN HOWLS)
(PEOPLE YELL)
And looking back now, I'm like, 'Oh my goodness, there was so much that happened to her in the first...
'1000 days of her life that...' Especially, yeah.
Surprised that she functions at all to be fair.
I'd had a car accident, and it was quite bad, and I was, um...
There was lots of court and police and things, and so she saw that, and she worried for a long time.
When she started school, I wouldn't pick her up.
(SCREAMS)
In that time, I got made redundant and there was lots going on.
So it was probably a really stressful time for us. Yeah.
Let alone being a 6-month-old baby who was already sick and seeing specialists.
It's a bit difficult trying to be a normal family in those times. Yeah.
But even outside of Christchurch, we have more anxious children, and I think that is because...
You know, and it's speculation now as to why we have more anxious children,
but I think a huge part of it has got to be a lack of— we lost an at-home parent.
You know, when you look at risk and resilience factors — resiliency factors are the things
that are gonna make your child turn out well.
We're making pancakes for breakfast. So quickly you make pancakes?
OK, what do we need for this? Water. Milk!
'Mil-kuh'?
We had a fatal flaw in...
I think cos the thing I always wanted to be was a dad,
so, yeah, whanau time is really important to me.
I think cos once you've got a strong family unit, then wherever you are, no matter how spread out you are,
and no matter how far apart you are, they essentially know you're there in an instant
for each other emotionally, and that's really what it's about, hmm.
But I really enjoy the times when I get all the kids together.
And the moko together at the same time.
Little bit— Little bit gluggy.
To describe my dad in one word — I'd probably say different.
I think, sort of, growing up, everyone said,
'Oh, you're like your dad. You guys are quite similar,'
but then I'm sorta like the rugby player, sort of, what you think of,
and Dad's very much the drama, sort of, person.
And I guess you sorta correlates that over to work as well.
If you've ever seen him go talk, he's always quite expressive.
...and be introduced to the topic.
So, I spent, like, 14 years working as a child counsellor, working with kids in therapeutic settings,
and that was mainly kids with extreme behaviour and kids that had experienced trauma.
It was the 1990s, and a lot of the information about the brain had started to come through
really thick and fast in the 1990s. That's what that first talk was about with the first 1000 days.
What we learned in the 1990s is that the human brain is genetically and biologically designed
to interact with the environment in the first 1000 days of its existence
to see what sort of brain it's gonna need for the rest of its life.
Down here, I think we've got attached to your hoverboard.
My family feed my mahi because, in lots of ways, my family are my mahi.
You know, like nurturing and how to bring the best out of children and how to reach potential
and, even as a counsellor, conflict resolution. Like, all of that is in the family,
so I think because I had children young, I think I'd become—
I started practically and then added the theory and the academic research,
cos I was already— You know, a teenage— I was a dad when I started my university studies.
I think my children have been a huge part of my journey, because they've kept it real for me the whole time.
It's always been about, 'Well, what does that mean in real life?'
And I think that's a lot of what my job is now is taking that complex academic stuff and saying,
'Well, what does this mean in real life?'
I think a lot of that's down to my children and that practical experience.
Well done! Yay!
(SPEAKS MAORI)
Oh, ka pai! (LAUGHS)
(SPEAKS MAORI)
I like reading a lot, and there's lots of books down there. Um...
My bed's very comfy.
And we only painted—
We only moved into my house last year, in January.
We're gonna do some baking. How do I do it?
Well, there's the instructions just over here. We're gonna start with the flour anyway.
Control over her food, that's a big one. Yeah, definitely.
Especially as she's gotten older, she's realised that she can control food and just choose not to eat.
That's her control in life. If she feels out of control in everything else, she will control her diet.
Like, her favourite food is rice, and then she likes vegetables and whatnot.
But as soon as you make fried rice and mix it together, nah. She won't touch it.
That's out of her control. She doesn't like... Cos she wants them separate.
So she can control what to eat. It's really quite bizarre.
She's very, um— She like— When she chooses what to eat,
it will be if she's in that phase of using that to feel better about herself,
it will be bread, rice, pasta — anything white — and it can't be—
Noodles. Yeah, anything with flavouring, she won't touch.
I just don't want to make an issue with food, so we've tried really hard not to,
and I really hope as a teenager that she knows food is for fuel,
to help her grow and to help her learn
and not to control how you feel about your body.
Mix it all up. It looks like manure.
I guess, we don't know any different, do we?
I can see different with Alex. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, we can, but...
Raising her, there is no difference. She's Mieke. She's always been... slightly anxious,
and you just— I guess that changes our parenting style maybe.
I'm a little bit more mindful of it in regards to what I say to her,
and if she is having a tantrum, I give her a few minutes,
and then I find the best approach is to just sit down and have a Daddy-Mieke talk,
and we just sit down, talk about how she's feeling, and that often gets the job done.
Doesn't it? Yeah, whereas as she won't talk to me.
She needs a lot more time if it's me around. Yeah.
And I'm not sure why.
She will eventually talk to me, but she prefers to speak to you when she's feeling...
Yeah. Like that.
Just have a cuddle and a big hug and just have a yarn about how she feels and what we can do to, you know,
make her feel better and...
It's not ice cream. Yeah. (LAUGHS)
But more things along the lines of, you know, just— Time.
Letting— Reading a book or 'let's go outside and ride your bike for a bit'.
That's it. Well done. Hot!
Done. Look at that. Well done. Yum!
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
It's hugely important to me. Te Reo Pakeha is also hugely important to me.
They're two aspects of my life that make up who I am,
so it's easy to facilitate Te Reo Pakeha because that's the dominate culture.
So I suppose Te Reo Maori is important to me because I want my children to grow up
in a world where that culture and that language is thriving,
where we have the diversity of multiple languages and multiple perspectives,
because I know through that diversity is where you really get human creativity
and original human thought, and that's the way of the future, really.
I'd love to take everyone into a marae-based kaupapa.
I'd like to see all of my work mould into one and that everybody gets this, um...
Because I think what's good for Maori is good for everybody,
so, yeah, I'd love to be in a Maori environment that is a holistic environment
that's about doing what education was meant to do in the first place —
helping people to reach their full potential,
and I think marae is a perfectly suited place for doing that.
Whenever people ask me, 'Oh, so why do you do this job? What is it that drives you?'
And I try to articulate it, and it just comes out sounding really cheesy and corny,
and really the truth was because most of the social workers I dealt with when I was a foster kid myself,
I thought, 'Oh, you've got no clue what to do, and it'd be so easy to come in and do it better yourself.'
So I sort of— That was a big part of the driving force, so...
Most people of this generation, especially in New Zealand and Australia,
don't fully appreciate that what that means is
'how brainy you are right now is not just driven by the genes or the whakapapa that you inherited'.
That might make up around a 50%...
In children that come from loving, secure environments where they were indulged and held in what Maori call
the ahuru mowai, that, you know, little paradise. (CHUCKLES)
Then that keeps the child's survival brain so calm because they're so, you know, looked after.
That gives them a biology or the biological information from the environment
to bring all of brain number four, this frontal cortex, online,
the brain that allows us to focus our attention, have empathy, higher intelligence — all the good stuff.
Is it easy to spot when a child is having trouble with anxiety?
No, that's not that easy to spot. It's usually their parents that's the expert on that, basically,
because they're the expert on that child. They're the one that lives with them day in, day out.
They've got an understanding of what's typical and what's now bordering into not so typical.
Often times, actually, the child just verbalises it,
and they will be telling you, 'I don't wanna do that. That scares me. That gives me a sore tummy.'
The constantly worrying and over-preparing of things,
being really adverse to any type of risk-taking, any type of new situation.
Hmm, repetitive behaviours.
We're always looking for a cluster of things, so it's very hard to just, sort of,
give a tick-box list for, you know— a tick-box list for what is anxiety.
It's about a cluster of behaviours, and it's about the subjective experience of the child,
and it's about what the parents are reporting to us.
We had to prepare Mieke this morning.
We just told her we were going out. She had a lot of questions about where we were going
and what we were doing. We just said, 'We're going to the gardens.'
She kept repeating the same question over and over. We just, kind of, said, 'We've already answered.'
And we came out— Getting to the car were a few tears.
She wasn't sure about how she felt today coming out because she wanted to stay at home and read,
and we just said, 'No, we're going out to have some fun,
and if we have a really nice time, we can get an ice cream on the way home.'
That, sort of, calmed her enough to get in the car.
WHINES: No. No.
Mieke, let's go for a walk. Let's follow this path.
No. Come on. Take my hand. No, I'm not going.
Go on, Mieke. No. Mieke.
What are you worried about?
If we stay at home, Mieke feels really comfortable, and that's her comfort zone,
so by taking her out, we give her the chance to get out of her comfort zone
and not, sort of, get her stuck in a rut.
If we just stayed at home all the time, then we do have to go out,
it would be a lot harder than it was getting out today to come to the gardens, where we go quite often.
It's just a little bit— Yeah, we don't want her to be stuck in the same place,
cos she'd just stay at home in bed all day.
Well, not in bed, but in her room, in her safe space.
Oh, we're not bringing it home, though, all right. I'm going back down.
Mieke, jump out of the garden please.
How are you feeling today? Um...
Don't really know. Just felt nervous and anxious.
And how does it make your body feel? Hmm, a little bit jumpy and want to go home.
What we get with her is in public, she is able to function.
She knows that you don't have a meltdown, and it's—
People will look at her if she's pulling her hair out, so she tries really hard,
and she'll hold it all in, and she'll behave appropriately
until we're out of, sort of, the sight of people she doesn't know,
so once we're back in the car, once we're at home is where we'll get those behaviours.
Last night, she was pulling her hair out, and actually it's shorter in the front today
because she's pulled all the front bits and ripped her fringe even more,
so it's when she's back in her safe space that we get those behaviours.
So no one would know that there's something up with her.
She is able to function as a person.
Living through the Christchurch earthquake and living in Christchurch
and seeing the ramifications of that and the increased anxiety.
Seeing the anxiety and those statistics and people being concerned about it.
I am pleased that it's being brought to people's awareness,
and I'm pleased that we're seeing the pioneering things,
like we're seeing at Waimairi primary school — and they're not the only ones doing that.
They're just the ones we happen to, you know, film at.
There's an increasing number of primary schools that are focusing on disposition,
dispositional learning, emotional intelligence — really, really well.
So it's exciting. We just need to do more.
Grab a toy!
Grab it!
We wanted to focus on developing students' dispositions towards learning
because that is what they're working on before they come to us.
So New Zealand has a world-leading early childhood curriculum called Te Whariki.
And it's recently been revised, but it's been around for a long time,
and it still has international study groups coming from overseas to look at how it works
in a New Zealand context.
And it's groundbreaking and really special because it was developed by child development experts
rather than a panel of interested... people.
It had— It's got sound neuroscience, sound child development underpinnings.
And it is mainly about giving children a wonderful disposition towards learning.
'Yeah, I can do that.'
'This is for me.' 'Yep, learning, I'm all over it.'
Which is what's needed for future success.
So all we're trying to do is implement what research tells us
about these little brains that walk in the door.
More and more now schools are focusing on pastoral care,
but I think we've got a long way to go, so, yeah,
I think our exam system that we currently have
that puts our teenagers under constant stress the whole year —
I think when I went to school, there were two periods of stress, mid-year exams and end-of-year exams.
Under the current system, that level of stress is maintained throughout the whole year,
so I think it's a perfect storm, but I don't think New Zealand manages well.
I think our focus — very clearly what the research would support me with —
is that the— our focus on only literacy and numeracy and cognitive intelligence in early childhood
is probably the major contributor to our anxiety as a teenager.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
At that age, children should be playing. They should be learning to love life.
They should be learning to love themselves. They should be learning to problem solve.
That's what forms the basis. And the literature calls it social-emotional aspects.
So most early childhood curriculums in the world are social-emotional curriculums,
because they're aimed at your limbic system. The frontal cortex, the brain on top of that,
that you generally sort of move into around 7 — that's when it's centre stage —
that's got reading and writing and repetitive patterns and logic
and all the stuff that we think of as adults as being intelligent,
but you don't get a more intelligent child by doing that early.
But we have a culture in New Zealand that says, 'Get those kids ready for school.
'Sit down, literacy, numeracy, "What colour's this?" You know, "What number comes after that?"
That limits children's creativity. It limits their emotional intelligence,
and it makes them more vulnerable to anxiety and depression as teenagers.
You're actually building from Te Whariki...
a sense of belonging,
a sense of well-being,
a sense of exploration,
communication and contribution.
So they are...
ways of being which actually help you learn and function,
and they're what's built at early childhood before you get into the content,
before you hit the content, you've actually got to get the disposition towards it.
This isn't a magic land of no anxiety — particularly post quake.
But we have reductions in the number of 5-year-olds wanting to run home during their first few weeks,
which is something that happens in all schools, but it's been brought right down.
(CHILDREN CHATTER)
Have a think before you name one great thing that happened to you today,
either that you did for yourselves or you did for a friend.
Don't need to tell me. Have a think in your own head.
A great thing that helped your learning.
Here we have a mantra of we're only gonna work on the things that we can change.
We can't actually change society's rise in anxiety, but what we can do
is make careful study of how children and adults react when anxious
and learn to deescalate, to calm, and it doesn't have to be, like,
the whole programme design, which I've talked about. It's a big part of it is preventative,
so if we can design a way of transitioning to primary school
that is all about reducing anxiety, which in turn raises learning,
cos the brain cannot learn when it's anxious.
Then we're addressing that.
And then we've got a whole range of other microinterventions
that are just informed by what we know about anxiety for those children who still remain anxious.
We've learned new and different ways of deescalating anxiety-filled situations.
We've learned about trigger points. We've learned about reading children.
We've learned about the physiological manifestation of anxiety
and how we can turn that around in kids and actually use that as a positive.
We've even got a school dog here, who's part of the deliberate strategy of being a place
that actually can deal with anxiety in a really humane way.
I would hate to think that the message that parents get
is you need play-based learning at 7, until 7 and then bang.
Actually, 7 to 8 should be like a transition time.
But then by most children by the time they're 8 are more into a more cognitive learning base,
so we can do repetitive patterns, reading and writing, because it's building on that disposition,
not doing it instead of a disposition.
Show us some fabulous gymnastics. OK.
The other thing that was great was finding that one thing that she was good at and wanted to excel at.
We tried ballet first when she was little, and she gave up on that pretty quickly,
but then we went to normal gymnastics, yeah.
But she's always had a bit of rhythm, and when we found rhythmic gymnastics — that's a mouthful.
And her coach, yeah. And her coach. Her coach is like—
She was fantastic. Yeah, she's so good with her. She doesn't put up with anything.
She's like, 'Actually, you can do this.'
She was strict, but she also understood when, you know, Mieke—
not coming from, but... how was Mieke was.
So Mieke's not learning gymnastics to learn gymnastics;
she's doing it to get that confidence. She's doing it to get that— those life skills.
It's not cheap. (CHUCKLES) But it's worth every penny,
because just seeing a change in her has been— made a world of difference,
not just for her, but for me, you know.
It's been one of the key things is seeing that change.
And when you get to know her, she is pretty awesome. It's just taking the time to get to know her
and gaining her trust, and once you have that, she's actually pretty cool.
(LAUGHS)
I hope that she realises that she's pretty awesome and she doesn't have to be like everybody else
and it's OK to be her, and she doesn't need to worry cos she's got us.
Yeah. Yeah, and just to know that it doesn't matter if you fail at something.
It doesn't matter if you can't do it on your first go. Just keep trying.
Just keep trying, and I believe we're enabling her to do that, so she's getting there.
Hopefully. We just want her to be happy.
I do believe there's a long road ahead, though.
I'm so proud of what she's already achieved, and she's only 8, so... Yeah.
As long as she's happy. Especially compared to where she was four years ago. So proud.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(CLAPS) Good job. Well done. You nailed it.
Nailed it!
ALL: Love yourself!
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
Copyright Able 2018
Attitude was made with funding from New Zealand on Air.
Tickets are now on sale for the 2018 Attitude Awards.
This premier event shines a spotlight on the achievements of people who live with disability.
Go to attitudeawards.org for information about the event.
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