As some of you may know from a previous video, I lost my 21-year-old daughter in 2009.
Before her death, I considered myself a competent grief counselor - and I was - but after she
died, I soon realized I didn't understand grief, at least not from the inside out.
When I returned to work, my supervisor stopped referring grief clients to me.
But then about two years later, I felt a mission welling up inside of me,
so I told my supervisor I wanted to resume seeing clients for grief counseling, especially
parents who had lost children, because of my new understanding of what it takes to grieve
such a traumatic loss.
So, my mission became to help grieving clients gain realistic expectations of themselves
and the grieving process as they worked through their overwhelming pain.
In other words, I sought to validate and normalize their grief experience, and, when necessary,
point out when their grieving had taken an unhealthy turn.
Here is what I usually found myself saying to a newly grieving client after our initial
intake interview: "There's nothing you have told me that concerns me.
I think you're grieving in the way that's right for you.
I know you feel overwhelmed, confused, lost, and think you're losing your mind, but that's
how grieving a traumatic loss feels in the early stages.
Everything you've described sounds like a normal part of grieving, but I will still
offer some suggestions that might help you deal with the pain, and here are the first
ones: Try to accept that your life is going to feel chaotic and out of control for a good
while because there's no shortcut to grieving.
So, be patient with yourself, and kind to yourself, and don't let anyone tell you how
to grieve.
This is no time to be a people pleaser.
Self-care must be your baseline as you go through the process of dealing with such a
tragic loss.
I know you feel hopeless right now, like there's no way out of the darkness, but trust the
process.
Grieving does lead to healing."
Now, I've also worked with a few grieving clients who've been triggered into destructive
or self-destructive behaviors, such as actively contemplating suicide, drinking too much,
or making reckless decisions.
Such clients need to be monitored carefully and intervened with more aggressively if necessary.
They usually need to see a doctor for medications and possibly even brief hospitalization,
but this is rare.
Many grieving clients want to know if they should take medications for their grief.
Now, I'm a therapist, not a doctor, so I can't prescribe meds, but I don't routinely recommend
a medication evaluation for grieving clients because their symptoms are usually a normal
and natural reaction to loss.
Grief is not a mental illness.
However, if a grieving client wants to talk with their doctor about medications, I certainly
respect their choice to do so.
And sometimes a brief course of meds can help a lot with sleep and anxiety in the early
stages of grief.
Grieving clients sometimes ask me specifically if they should take an antidepressant medication,
because most certainly they feel depressed.
That's when I explain the difference between the normal depression of grief and clinical
depression.
Certainly there are many similarities: both might include sadness, tearfulness, loss of
appetite, fatigue, poor concentration, loss of interest in things previously enjoyed,
erratic sleep patterns, anger, loneliness, and even mild suicidal thoughts.
However, the depression of grief tends to lessen over time whereas clinical depression
is more persistent.
And the depressive symptoms of grief tend to come in waves whereas clinical depression
is more constant.
If, however, the depression of grief remains constant for a prolonged period of time and
continues to affect functioning, then an antidepressant medication might help.
I rarely diagnose someone in the early stages of grief with clinical depression because
grief and clinical depression look so much alike.
However, the depression of grief can eventually turn into clinical depression if the griever
becomes stuck in hopelessness or self-loathing, which are common symptoms in the early stages
of grieving.
To feel hopeless is a natural reaction to a major loss - someone you loved has just
died and there's nothing you can do to change that.
But the process of grieving involves accepting what we cannot change, so feelings of hopelessness
should ease over time.
What many people may not realize is that traumatic loss can destroy one's self-esteem and trigger
self-loathing, especially when a parent loses a child.
So, guilt, self-blame, and self-loathing are often the most difficult symptoms to resolve
in the grieving process, but they must be resolved for grievers to return to living
a full life.
So, I work with my clients to be mindful of not getting stuck in hopelessness and self-loathing,
even though such thoughts and feelings can be a normal part of early grieving.
But their stubborn persistence can lead to clinical depression.
Thus, I explain the grieving process in great detail and encourage my clients to join a
grief support group, so they can learn from others further along the grieving process.
If you'd like help with your grief, then visit my website, serenityonlinetherapy.com, to
learn more about the online services I provide.
If you liked this video, please click the Thumbs Up button and then subscribe to my
channel to hear more from me.
And finally, keep paying attention to your life!
Until next time.
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